Dear Vets,

I have not been able to find a concise, printable source of information to educate my husband on what an emotional affair is or how to end it. If I try to show him literature that is aimed primarily towards physical affairs, he will balk.

Please help me explain to him in layman's terms what it is, how it hurts us, how to end it. Keep in mind that he is male and does not have a feminine perspective on emotional affairs. He only understands that an actual physical affair is upsetting and bad for marriage.

Thank you in advance.

Have you tried "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? He should find himself in some of her examples. GF

This website has a pretty clear picture.

Emotional Affair

I hope it helps. Be sure to scroll down and check out all the pages. Page 6 is a quiz he may find eye opening.

LC

val,

here is an Online Quiz that has 8 questions written by Shirley Glass (author of "Not Just Friends."

She also writes: "In the new crisis of infidelity, platonic friendships and workplace relationships are turning into emotional affairs, usually gradually, often without premeditation. Parties cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing intimate information with a friend that is usually appropriately the exclusive territory of a husband or wife. When emotional boundaries are overstepped, the partner has taken the first step onto the slippery slope leading to emotional and eventually sexual infidelity. Even if the infidelity is "only" emotional, it often leads to a double life of deception and sexuality, threatening once secure marriages."

And how to end it? The best way is to end the friendship completely. No more phone calls, emails, IMs, conversations, visits, etc.

I think one of the simplest ways of determining emotional involvement - does he tell her things he doesn't tell you, and does he discuss you and your marriage with her?

I found some good articles at Suite 101. My head is hurting too bad to get the links, but there were some very good articles with few ads than About. (However, the About articles were good too.)

VS...Please be careful of defining this as a "male" problem...That is a disrespectful judgement and it's NOT true of many, many men...

I suspect that your husband DOES know that his behavior is inappropriate and is gaslighting you about it...

Mrs. W

MB pretty much defines any affair as "allowing other people to meet Emotional Needs (ENs) that only your spouse should be meeting for you."

If you allow someone else to meet your need for SF, that's a physical affair.

If you allow someone else to meet any other ENs, but not sex, that's an emotional affair.

There are ten ENs that a husband or a wife can and should meet for their partner and that they should *only* allow their partner to meet for them.

These ENS are:

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment (SF)
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness (Attractive Partner)
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Committment
Admiration

If a marrid couple does make certain to meet each other's ENs, the marriage is virtually always rewarding, satisfying, happy and fun.

But if they refuse to meet their partner's ENs and instead go out and get theirs met elsewhere -

if they invest time in meeting the ENs of some other attractive opposite-sex person while ignoring their spouse -

the marriage will become starved and barren and miserable and nobody will want to stay in it.

Many, many people honestly believe that the only EN you should save for your spouse is sex, and that anything else short of sex is perfectly okay to give and get elsewhere.

This is why we have such a huge divorce rate and why EAs, which can destroy a relationship as fast as any PA, are absolutely rampant.

Can you go down that list of ENs and identify which ones your husband gives to and gets from other people, and which ones you yourself give to and get from other people?

We can go from there. I'll check back later this evening if I can (I'm s'posed to be workin' right now).
Mulan

Affection He turns to me. He actually dislikes too much affection. I have to be careful not to overdo it. I turn to him. I don't get enough much of the time.

Sexual Fulfillment (SF) He turns to me. Even with all of our stress, everything has been good in that area for a few weeks. I turn to him.

Conversation. He turns to male friends, me, then EAs. He seems happy. I turn to him, my family and strangers (such as cashiers etc.)

Recreational Companionship. He turns to me and a male friend. I turn to him and family. I also enjoy RC that does not involve him, such as shopping, going to the library; and I go alone. I am not happy with the things I had to give up -- camping, beach, etc. -- but am happy with current RC most of the time.

Honesty and Openness He turns to me & EAs. I turn to him and my mother. Lately both DH & I have beeen much more H&O. I was unhappy but am happy with his changes lately.

Physical Attractiveness (Attractive Partner) He turns to me, movie stars and porn. I turn to him and movie stars (do they count?) We both are happy most of the time. His EAs are notably unattractive -- which may actually meet his need more than me because he does not like competition in the area of looks. We have had problems because I am attractive.

Financial Support He turns to me. He is unhappy with me right now. I turn to him. I am happy.

Domestic Support He turns to me. This is his number 1 need in my opinion. He has seriously exaggerated needs in this area, and I actually have to set boundaries to prevent a master/slave dynamic. But I do my best to meet his needs, and he is actually somewhat satisfied most of the time. I turn to him.

Family Committment. He turns to me. I do not turn to anyone. I am fine with this.

Admiration He turns to me, EAs and strangers. I admire him frequently, but unfortunately, he doesn't believe me. He cannot handle criticism, vice versa. We both criticize. I think this is the number one thing he gets from his EAs. They worship the ground he walks on. Which is why he has nothing to do with them when they are dating. I turn to him and strangers. (Strangers meaning a quick glance or smile, not serious flirting.) I am not happy with my DH's admiration of me.

Val, from what you have posted elsewhere, I think you are massively in denial about your answers below. You constantly say, "He turns to me," but before this you have posted a great deal about how much time he spends in person with other women, on the phone with other women and texting other women.


These girls are loading him up with Affection, both spoken (calls and texts) and physical (touching, flirting.)

He "dislikes too much affection" from *you* because he wants to let his girlfriends provide this EN for him. You don't get enough because he's saving it for his girlfriends.


Sure, he'll sleep with you. Does that mean he loves you? No. It just means he likes getting some from you. And surely you really don't think that he pushes the boundaries as far he can with the other ENs but stops just short of this one? That's what he tells you and that's what you want to believe. Come on, now.


He is calling and texting other women endlessly, but you think that you and "male friends" are providing this for him?

I was going to go down the list - but honey, you've got to wake up here.

Sure, he might allow you to fill a small amount of each EN. A little conversation. A little (very little) affection. A wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am here and there.

But please understand that as long as he's allowing other women to fill *any* of his ENs, you have NO hope of any sort of decent relationship with this man. And hasn't he said, "My girlfriends are my family. I'll never give them up" - ?

He's really quite happy right now because he's got a wife *and* girlfriends, and that's exactly what he wants. He will NEVER, EVER "choose", and you will grow older and greyer than Rip Van Winkle if you hang around waiting for him to "choose" between you and his girlfriends.

The only way you *might* bring about a change here is to do a very short Plan A (which it sounds like you've pretty much done) and then go to a pitch-dark Plan B to Remove Yourself from this very nasty situation.

He's not your husband, Val. He's not married. He's just a single guy who has a wife. Big difference. And you MUST understand that he will keep this going forever - for as long as you're willing to let him string you along.

YOU are the only one who can change this. He Never Will.
Mulan

Don't know if this will help, but in addition to the articles on EAs, I asked my husband how he would feel if I was carrying on with another man the way his MOW was carrying on with him. His answer was that he would be devastated. He had an easier time relating to the situation by me putting myself in her role, rather than asking him to put himself in my shoes. Does that make sense??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Val,

Check out this one>>>The Affair You Don't Know You're Having

Mark

V,

My H is exactly like your H. He has always had other females filling his ENs and never wanted to give them up. He said it should be fine even though there was no sex involved. I never felt safe in the R and then M because of all of this 'friends' and I actually left the M emotionally along time ago. I was in denial about it for a long time because I still thought I was M'd living in the same house, but did not have a true R with my H.

Looking back I left the M first because of his shennanigans with these other females. I never felt good enough. I already had self esteem issues before this, and all this made me feel worse.

That being said, I really do think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, because I do. But you need to draw a line somewhere. You have to be able to put up a wall somewhere so that you don't become too emotionally involved with them.

When someone has a long history of going outside their primary love relationship to get their EN's met, there is a huge problem. They typically won't change because they think there is nothing wrong with what they do. They will only change when no one is willing to put up with their crap anymore and they find themselves alone.

I would demand that he has no female friends. He obviously doesn't understand where to draw the line in these relationships. Otherwise, I'd get out if I were you.

I put the story of what happened in another thread. For Mulan, I am only dealing with the last EA right now. She lives about an hour away. He has not/can not physically touch as he is not in her presence.

I double-checked on his co-worker K. (ex-lover.) He took the shift OPPOSITE her, so that is very good news. They only have moments between shifts to speak (lock-down factory with guards,) and he says he so dislikes her at this point, he does not, but he is aware that if she speaks to him, I must know about it.

Any future shift changes will be discussed in advance.

Zora, that is what I said. Because he has such ill-defined boundaries, he has a choice, a wife OR opposite sex friends. Because he does not know when to draw lines.

I got the details on the affair. He had spent time on the internet having cyber-sex with other women. He said he had a different view on it back then, but it so upset his wife that she said she had an affair with another man -- then she said it was just a date. He doesn't know what is the truth. He said his affair was after the second time he asked for a divorce, and she begged and pleaded for him to stay. (He can ask me all he wants, I will never beg or plead. In the end, it is he that decides he doesn't want to divorce.) He used his friend for an exit affair. It was brief. He feels terrible remorse.

His guilt is his actually a big problem for me. Because he paid and paid and paid for that sin. He doesn't need to stay in touch with her (and isn't) to keep attempting get her forgiveness. She will just never forgive him.

His view on cyber-sex now (we discussed this a couple months ago) is that it is cheating. He would not want me to do it, and does not do it himself. All cookies are saved on our computer. Total transparency on that.