i have not posted in quite a long time. so here is the cliff notes run down.
winter 05- i had e/p affair
feb 06- d-day
march 07- separation
august 07- divorce
aug 07-present: depression, regret, pain, self loathing

that should cover the run down. As i said in earlier posts the ex had second thoughts about divorcing leading all the way up to the d. we both have been seeing the counselor seperatley since the d. I have tried dating other women but i cant seem to let go. i live each day with regret, sadness, and anxiety. people keep telling me it is going to get better but i just dont see how. i have been dating a woman for about a month now, and although she is very nice and caring i just cant seem to let go of the past. im afraid she is going to be hurt because of my emotional "baggage". to add to my torment the counselor recently revealed to me that the ex was having serious thoughts of contacting me a month ago. that put me right back into the "theres hope mode" well that excitement lasted me approximately one day, when it was told to me by a friend that she met someone a couple of weeks ago and is very interested in him. that just tore my heart out all over again. i truly am believing that this punishment for what i have done is the karma i deserve. If anyone reading this is thinking of or having an affair at this time. take it from me, stop! i just dont know what to do anymore. conseling is no longer helping, time is doing nothing, and dating has not been the answer.

Well, I wish I could offer some sympathy, but from my perspective of a BS, it's the effing you get for the effing you got.



I truly wish you could have seen your mistake before you made it. I really do.

Now I only wish my now ex wife can see what a disaster she caused with her affair and subsequent divorce.

She seems to be proud of her handiwork though.

thanks for the kind words pariah. you make it sound so cut and dry, as if i did this out of spite. theres alot more that goes into an a i must tell you. was it right? absolutely not! but its a little more complex than u might think. unlike ur ex, i owned up to what i did and did everything i could possibly do to rectify the situation. furthermore before the a our marriage was in the toilet. i delt with two years of taking care of my dying mother with no sympathy from her. she spent every waking moment with her parents. treated my sister like crap when she lived with us after my mom died. yes, im sure i could have done things different to appease her but i was in emotional turmoil at the time trying to balance a marriage,dying mother, and orphaned younger sister! i continuously suggested counseling only to be told that im the one that needs it. So yes i did fall into a terrible trap! i will never betray anyone ever again. but alas it is too late because contrary to what the "experts" say i believe my ex is the only one i will ever truly love. I even loved during all our hard times. so yes i effin got it all right. a lifetime of regret and sadness. so u can look at me and find some comfort that there is justice for the "betrayed" but maybe i ws betrayed in a different way.

chtd - I would say that there is always hope until one of you is in a pine box. However, you may have to do a lot of work on yourself before that hope can be realized, and she may have to do some, too. If you two were to get back into a relationship and basically be the same people you were when you broke up, I believe the chances of it succeeding are not good. I'm happy to hear you are both seeing counselors. I believe that increases your odds of success. Does your XW know you are interested in perhaps a 2nd try/2nd chance? I'm fairly certain she's not a mind reader. If she's not, or not at this point, I think that continuing to obsess on her will hurt your development.

If you've read my thread, you'll see that my mind is in a similar state. However, as much as my XW is constantly on my mind, it hasn't stopped me from working on myself, and hopefully morphing into a better version of the person I was before. Yes, I'm hopeful of a reconciliation, perhaps more so because she keeps the door open to it, and I realize that a reconciliation may never happen. If it doesn't, then at least I believe I'll be in better mental shape for the next relationship. I have no idea when I'll be mentally ready for that relationship, and from your post it seems clear to me that you're not ready for it yet. Also, you say that "counseling is no longer helping." If that is what you believe, perhaps you might want to consider a different counselor who takes a different approach.

BTW, just because she's seeing another guy and is "very interested in him" doesn't mean a lot to me. It could just be a crush or passing infatuation. It could be something that lasts a couple of months or a year. There's no way to know, and, from my experience, speculating only causes pain. As people keep telling me, it may be best to focus on you and not on her and once you feel good about you, then you can worry about "you and her." Best of luck!

chtd,

Well, some things are cut-and-dried. You made a vow right? Did you keep your vow, yes or no? No? There are consequences.

I'm not going to say that you deserved what you got, because that would require a judgment on my part. However, as a BH, it's certainly difficult for me to be sympathetic.

Somethings are cut-and-dried. If you make promises and don't keep them, you hurt people. The people to whom you make promises, are hurt when you betray their trust.

It's really no more complicated than that. So while I don't agree with the you deserved what you got line of thinking, I do believe that where you currently find yourself is not an unexpected place.

You talk about all of these outside influences that made your marriage "in the toilet" as you say. So what where you doing during that time to build your marriage?

Where you too busy, with all these other things? Was it her fault?

My impression is that you are still trying to justify your affair. I did it because my marriage was in the toilet is what I read in your post.

Well, what woman would come back to that? The marriage was bad, but it wasn't your fault. Let's see, you put your dying mother ahead of your wife, or at the very least, stole time from your wife to care for your mother. Unless your wife enthusiastically embraced this plan, then you were engaged in a love buster, independent behavior.

What about your sister, did she want her there? Was this a mutual decision, or did you force the issue?

You seem to have an excuse for everything.

I'd advise your ex-wife not to come back until you own your behavior and not write it off due to being in a bad circumstance. After all, this ain't no fairy tale, so there will be more bad circumstances. So far, what you've told me about how you handle them doesn't make you a good marriage partner.

First off, DON'T DATE! You are not in any position to start dating anyone. You need to work on you and your issues. Second DUMP the counselor, what your wife tells them should not be repeated. If this counselor is gossiping about your wife to you then what makes you think he/she isn't telling your wife private things about you? This is against all ethics! Third, don't listen to any other gossip coming from anyone. If you really want to reach out to your ex-wife then talk to her directly.

Are you seeking sympathy or justifying your affair and subsequent destruction of your family?

Shall I call the waaaaambulance? aaaaaawwwwwww, there I backed it in for ya.

Get angry with me, call me names even.

There is nothing you can say or do to justify your affair to many of us BS's.

You think you got it bad, how bout being on the receiving end of an affair and losing EVERYTHING.

I'm sorry, I just can't feel sorry for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I was forced to move on, start completely over and make a new and better life for myself and so far I can't complain.

Pariah said:
Actually, there's nothing ANYONE can say or do to justify an affair TO ANYONE ELSE. That's because there IS NO justification.

That said,chtd, I do "hear" your pain. I am very sorry about your mother and that your ex wasn't there for you emotionally or physically.

I also have more than a little understanding about regret and consequences. It is VERY heavy baggage, indeed.

My advice to you is this: Take care of that baggage. Don't date anyone until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE (without a shadow of doubt) that you have done everything you can to repair your marriage (as you say, you are still in love with her) and are emotionally healthy. If the marriage is truly over, there will be a time of grieving, like any death.

And try not to be defensive here. Even when you hear difficult things, you can learn from them. This is a message board filled with devistated people in pain. Surely you expect to hear some tough stuff, right?

i know about trying to justify an A. i indeed did that alot early on and all it did was make things more difficult. my intention on the post was to give circumstances that led to the A. i do believe the name of this forum is divorcing/divorced and that is what i am. i am here for support and advice. it seems as if though i am taking the beating for all of the other ws's. thats fine. i am not proud of anything i have done and just want to figure out how to move on. if the answer to getting though all of this is to log on and have people berate me than im well on my way i can take criticism quite well. i just appreciate a little more intelligent responses than "should i call the waaaambulance".

Or perhaps you can simply do as you say your goal is and learn how your words impact folks who've been betrayed and understand how you come across.

You may not like how folks express themselves, but you can still learn a great deal from those responses.

After all, your former wife will have many of the same hurts. You may be triggering the same feelings in her with your words.

So it's my opinion that you can learn a great deal, even from the responses that may not meet your intelligence criterion.

No counselor should be sharing this type of information with you. Your sessions are supposed to be confidential. If you still require counseling, I would consider finding someone else. Not a relationship counselor but someone who can help you as an individual.

You did what you did and you did it by choice. Consequences follow. To sit and regret your decisions now is a waste of life. Your XW may become more attracted to you if she is convinced of your personal growth.

Get a new counselor, stop beating yourself up and start building yourself up. If your interested in getting back together with your XW, then date HER not other women.

Read what there is to read on this website because, if you haven't learned anything about how and why the affair and marital destruction occurred in the first place, you are likely to repeat the same mistakes in any new relationship.

When you can separate your decision to have an A from the circumstances that led to it, you will begin to heal emotionally. The choice to commit adultery is simply that, a choice. Your wedding vows included "for better or for worse," and did not include "except when the marriage is in the toilet." There are a thousand reasons why a marriage may be down the toilet. There are probably a dozen possible solutions for each of those reasons. None of them are adultery. I am not writing this in bitterness; I'm just trying to illustrate where you need to change the way you think about it. Separate the A from everything else that was wrong. You alone are responsible for your decision to cheat. You need to take ownership of this. Only then can you even begin to consider the problems that put your marriage in the toilet; the responsibility for which both you and your STBXW have a share in.

Karma? What comes around goes around? From a Biblical stand point you can ask God for forgiveness, you can repent your sins but yes there are still consequences for your behavior, for breaking up a home.

I'm sure my ex has his "reasons" for running around in our marriage, we aren't divorced and he thinks I'll take him back BUT he's still running around. How about making ADJUSTMENTS? How about NOT going down the same road, how about becoming a man of CHARACTER rather then blaming and whining?

The hurt from cheating I compare with the pain of what it must feel to have an arm cut off. God didn't intend for marriage to hurt this bad, there are RULES that are meant to protect us, one of them is to be faithful to our partner. Yes there are many of us here who have been cheated on, so you won't get much sympathy as you experience your CARMA as you call it.

BUT we aren't to cast stones, we have all made mistakes in our lives... we are to move forward, ask for forgiveness, and become as good of people as we can be, men and women of character. No matter what we've done in the past, we can move forward to create a new and different life. That takes WORK, for me it's a spiritual process and I too have a long way to go up that mountain.

well I do agree that the counselor has to go. sometimes i think that going to the same mc that we went to together is counterproductive anyway. i shall seek a new counselor. i have been making adjustments, i guess time will tell if i have a chance to share the "new" me with someone. I feel terribly guilty when i think that someone else may reap the benefits of the lessons i learned from my past choices. i know its just something that i have to deal with. perhaps i would be content as a single person. if someone comes along so be it.