My daughter came home from spending a few hours visiting her father and told me the EX is marrying the OW.

OW has asked our daughter to be in the wedding.

My daughter vehemently tells me how much she dislikes the OW. She cries when she knows her dad is planning the weekend visits around the OW.

The story:

The EX moved out of our home and into the OW home. The OW was a friend of mine, our kids played together. The OW had a boyfriend living with her the day before my EX moved in. March 14 2005 she kicked him out March 15 2005 she moved my EX in.

Fast forward two years and The OW moved the ex-boyfriend back into her home last summer because he had gotten busted for dealing drugs and had no place to go. my EX couldn't deal with it and moved out of the OW house last september. (The EX also told me he thought at the time that the OW was also doing drugs) The OW tried to work things out with her druggie boyfriend and recently moved him out again (3 weeks ago to be exact). And now...EX is marrying OW in July???

My daughter is my only concern. She is an emotional child by nature and she isn't dealing well with the Ex's rollercoaster ride. Is there anything I can do in the courts to prevent her exposure to this rollercoaster? How do I guide her? She shouldn't have to put on a happy face for fear that if she doesn't her father will go ape on her. She has seen his temper flare many many times.

I'd love to get a restraining order on the OW for my daughter but realistically I don't think there are grounds.

My daughter is such a sweetie...I hate seeing her this distraught. She's only 11. I'm also concerned about how this rollercoaster will effect her view on men and relationships in the future.

Oy Vey!!

Ronda

Find her a good child psychologist. They are not just for 'crazy' people, if that is your first thought. My D17 seems like the most well balanced person I know, but she's been getting stressed out, so I took her to a C. It has been a godsend, giving her an outlet just to talk. Plus the C has given her some good advice on how to deal with her issues. The C also has given her confidence in herself to be able to handle things, something I think your D would benefit from, when she has to be over there; I'm sure she feels somewhat powerless, and the best thing you can do for her is give her the tool of self-reliance. Please consider it.

Oh! Oh! Go to www.daughters.com and sign up for the newsletter. It is a lifesaver for parents of girls age 10-18. I can't say enough good stuff about it. Sometimes I read it and learn from it; sometimes D17 and I sit down together and read it, and discuss the issues that come up in it.

Your X, the OW and the OW's boyfriend are all totally screwed up.

First order of business, get your daughter to a good therapist. She has been exposed to far too much dysfunctional behavior because of your X. What stinks is this man is her father, someone she wants to admire, and he is a poor example for her.

If it were me... I would let my X know that your daughter does not want to be in the wedding (I think that part is just weird!!!) I hate to say it, but she should probably go to the wedding, but not be a part of it. What the heck... does the OW want her to be a bridesmaid for crying out loud!?!?!?

Oh, and the relationship your X is having with the OW... sounds like a match made in heavan doesn't it?

Thanks Cat for the words of advise and the website link. I'll definately check it out.

Keith,

The ex sees absolutley nothing wrong with all of this...of course....and he's left it up to my daughter to decide by the end of the month whether she wants to be a bridesmaid or not. She has told me...she's not sure if she would want to do it...part of her says no...and the other girly side of her says...ooohh pretty dress and all the fun that goes with it. I as her mother doesn't want her first "wedding part-taker" experience to be this totally bizarre situation.

Do I really have a say??

I have contemplated a mini vacation a few days before the wedding for me and my kids and accidently on purpose have car problems which would result in my daughter missing the wedding. But something about that just doesn't sit right with me.

Match made in ****** maybe...argh!

Hi AlluringGreenEyes-

Your daughter is 11. I think you do have a say. Sure, she would love the pretty dress and all the fun...but there is a part of her that knows this isn't right. Even at 11, she knows that this "wedding" is really a sham and she doesn't want to be standing up in some sort of approval for it.

You can give her the girly fun in a different way. Maybe you could have a sleep over party where she invites her friends over for a real tea party. I did this for my DD22's 10th birthday party. All the girls dressed up in fancy dresses and brought their dolls. We had a real tea party-with all the fun finger sandwiches and desserts like a British High Tea. They drank tea or juice (10-year-olds don't really fancy tea) and had fun getting ready with curling irons, hair spray, make-up, the works! Then, we watched Little Women.

Something like that.

I think BHINWI has a point. Why would a grown woman (OW) want an 11-year-old to be a bridesmaid? Sounds like she is trying to suck up and get into your DD's good graces in a way.

Thanks Johnstwin! I totally agree it's a suck up maneuver and it also shows that the OW doesn't know my daughter very well. We've done the girly sleep over party just a few weeks ago for her birthday. She had a blast!

My poor baby girl went to bed exhausted over the entire situation. It just kills me!

Thanks again
Ronda

Allurin,

Your daughter is going to be fine.
I grew up with a father who suffers from a personality disorder--diagnosed by a psychiatrist, not me.

With Dad, we HAD to "put a smile on your face" in order to avoid terrible outbrusts. I survived and so did my sibs. I have had trouble with romantic relationships because of this. HOWEVER, I think it has more to do with the fact that my family pretended his behavior was normal and acceptable, and my parents didn't split until I was 21.

I'm also going through similar stuff with my OD and her dad. B isn't getting remarried, but he yells when he doesn't get his own way. He can be very scary.

I'm helping the girls learn to enforce some boundaries with their dad. First is if Dad gets angry, that's not the end of the world. If Dad is unhappy because you don't want to spend the night because the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in months, and you have to eat dinner sititng on the floor, that's not the end of the world either.

So, if I were in your shoes, I might encourage my daughter to express her concerns to her dad. I'd also say that while you don't have to pretend to be happy about this, you also can't sulk, be sullen or ruin it for everyone else.

I'd also teach her how to buy time. When someone says, "I need to know RIGHT NOW" I've learned to say "Then, I'd better say no." A month though is a long time to think about about whether to be in the wedding or not, but they don't have to know by the end of March, do they? End of April is plenty of time.

And speaking of time, Allurin, given the track record of this relationship, I'd say there's many a slip between the cup and the lip. I'd give the wedding a 50/50 chance of happening.

I agree with the counselor recommendation. Many schools also provide counseling too.
I tell my emotional DD that she's seeing a counselor to help her deal with issues and to learn how to communicate, not because there's something wrong with her.
Between the divorce and puberty, there's alot going on in their heads, we need to help however we can.

I think DD's this age are torn between loyalty to mom and wanting to please Dad - which means pleasing the GF. My DD complains to me about GF, then talks nice to her on the phone.

If you get DD to see a counselor, a session with Dad and GF would be warranted, and then your DD can get her concerns across safely.

Is there any documented drug history?
Arrests?

Based on that you might have some success in getting a restraining order. Sounds like a dangerous crowd to have around a pre-teen.

Do a background check on her.

Thank you Greengables! I will definately pass along the learning to buy time. We can all stand to learn that lesson!!

She actually has told her dad exactly how she feels about the girlfriend and the wedding but he of course thinks it's me telling her what to say and feel. When he picked her up yesterday my daughter started crying when it came time to leave. He asked her why she was crying and she told him "because I'm afraid you're going to take me to HER house". I was standing right there...he could clearly see that I hadn't told her what to say or how to say it but yet I still get blamed for it. It was shortly after that when he told her about the pending marriage.

Thank you also Newly...My only concern is the emotional well being of my daughter...I want her to grow to be a strong woman so hopefully she won't have to live the same life I have.

I really appreciate everyones feedback. Like everyone here..we only want the best for our kids...and when they hurt, we hurt!

Ronda

No Lexxxy nothing documented in the courts...just his word against mine. unfortunately!

Sad thing is she has two teen boys who are living this life more than my daughter is. Their father lives in MN so they only see him a few times a year. I sometimes wonder if the father knows what she is putting their boys through.

And, do you really want your tween daughter exposed to two teenage boys in a house where drug use is acceptable?
Yikes.

I'm not an emotional person. I tell my DD that I'm not the best to help her work through her emotional issues, but that I'm working on it myself. She, herself, can sense people (adults) with whom she has an emotional connection. I do believe that counseling will help her make better choices. And I'm focusing on that in Girl Scouts too.

I worry that she'll be susceptible to the influence of GF's daughters who are close in age, but older. Since the oldest was allowed to date at 14, what happens when my DD is around a 14 YO who dates. Since this will be in the "other household", I'll have no control but to give her the emotional tools to deal with this.

We are all doing the best we can to equip our children with better tools and lives to make better choices than we did. Why else are we here?

I really hope you will get her into counseling. It doesn't have the stigma it used to have, it really doesn't. And the counselor can teach her, even play act, the things she needs to say to build up her confidence to not get talked into doing things she doesn't want to do. So she doesn't follow your path, as you said.

I found that my D17 loves to go on walks with me. It is a stress-free way to talk through her issues and find resolutions. Plus it gets the dog walked!

I also would look into a RAD program, see if there is something near you like it, where they teach girls her age how to protect themselves, how to be forceful, how to say no, how to get help when they need it, instead of following the age-old rule of girls being nice and not making waves. They literally have to teach the girls to practice shouting STOP! - loudly - because it's so ingrained in us females to NOT be loud and aggressive.

One other thought, Allurin, you may want to share with your daughter that if OW starts doing drugs, etc, you will take action to protect DD.

Also, my lawyer said the girls are getting close to an age where they can choose not to go over to their Dad's house. My older daughter is 12. I think it's 13 or 14 when they can start to have a say. It's worth a $100 or so to get your lawyer to weigh in on this.

Ronda,

Something I learned in my divorce care classes is that you want to be careful about letting your kids make decisions between Mom and Dad. In this case, if she is in the wedding, she may feel she is hurting Mom. If she is not in the wedding, she may feel she is hurting Dad.

Have a frank discussion with her about it. Make sure you don't give her any impression that you are hurt if she is in the wedding. If she doesn't want to be in it, support her on that also.

I wonder if your X really knows that deep down inside, most children want to see Mom and Dad get back together. So, by having her in the wedding, it is almost like she is part of keeping Mom and Dad apart (at least in her eyes).

Be a rock for her.. show her how much you love her and that you are always there for her.

Keith

newly, cat and greengables

I was so unbelievably swamped at work today that I realized at 7:30 evening that I forgot to call about her counseling and forgot to call my attorney. I left a note on my desk at work to do both in the morning asap.

Keith

I totally get what you are saying and I'm the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve so I'm sure she's already figured out I'd be hurt....but on the other hand...I have plenty of time to put my game face on and convince her otherwise starting today.

Normally girls tend to be "daddy's girls" but that's never been the case with my daughter. She and I are so incredible close. She has been that way from birth. She would cry uncontrollably when her father held her...I used to feel so bad for him...I knew that hurt him. Rightfully so.

This is a road I've not traveled before....and I'm afraid it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Thanks Keith!

There are also books explaining divorce to kids, and I'm sure there are some about moving on afterward. Perhaps it's time to head to the library or a bookstore to find one that fits her current age/situation. (I should take my own advice here).

I just let my girls watch "The Sisterhood of the traveling pants" because I wanted them to see the scenes of Greece. One of the storylines was that a dad was getting remarried but didn't tell his daughter, and she had to deal with all the impact of it. That story line alone is worth seeing the movie, particularly in cases like this.

I know my DD hasn't started DARE classes yet. Has yours? If not, how do you even go about explaining about drugs and what to do (and not do) if she sees them? Yikes.

Regarding new people in their lives: I tell my children that they can't have too many people who love them, and that love just grows and grows and grows. So X's GF can love them and that is a good thing for them, and they get an expanded family to love them.

We've talked about drugs in my family. My dad's wife's son is an addict. He's been in serious trouble. So, I've talked with my girls about drugs and the effects. One great idea I got from an ex-boyfriend was to tell the girls that drugs do indeed make you feel good--for a while. Then, they totally screw up your life.

Devil's Advocate:

Alurin, YOU be the villain. You be the heavy. YOU put your foot down, tell ex "No Way our D is being a member of the wedding party. You will not use our D to legitimize your affair."

Your D will be relieved that you have taken this burden off of her. She is a child. It should not be up to her to stand up to her father, or to risk his anger for being upfront about not wanting to engage in this Through The Looking Glass sham.

Your D will rant and rave at you, she will cry, she will complain. And you will simply absorb it all. Your H will b1tch at you, you are insane, jealous, living in the past, etc. So will his affair partner.

This is worth taking a stand. Whatever the date of the wedding, you have "other plans" and D will be unable to take part.

Your D will have an out, for when your ex and his sl*t put on their sorry faces. "My Mom Made Me Do It." This way, she gets to keep her poor excuse for a Dad in her life until she is old enough to kick his sorry b#tt to the curb.

I wish my Mom had refused to let our Dad take us to his new home with his abusive new wife. But she stayed out of it. It was like she was saying "your on your own kid" and we were no older than your D.