My DH keeps saying that all of this stuff is fine, but that he really is different than other adulterers and wants to find out about people like him. He says that he was not in an affair to meet unmet emotional needs, that he just did it because he wanted to.

He says that he really was not emotional about anything over the past ten years...that he never felt a connection to anyone at all so an affair was of little consequence to him. He didn't really care about whether or not he got caught or that it continued or ended.

Is he in denial? The way he describes himself totally fits with the man that I knew. He has always been very emotionally detached. And he is a completely different man this week. Or is he denying his feelings so that it's easier for him to deal with what he did?

I want to believe him about his change of heart and I want to believe that he isn't bs-ing me, but it's hard to trust
right now.

Not only that, but I almost feel that we know how to make a great marriage, we just haven't been. We are beyond Plan A because he ended the A six months before he ever told me about it. He has been working on our marriage for those six months (not the honesty and openness part, but the rest of it). But am I in denial? I'm scared to believe that we know what we're doing.

"My Story - Single Thread" for more details.

Hick:
My H said the same thing. He claims he was not happy with our sex life so he went to an online site and had 2 PAs with women just for the sex. He says there was no emotional connection..just the physical need to be filled. The real problem to him occured when #3 became a Love-at-first-sight. That A lasted a year until d-Day Dec. 27th when the truth came out after I got the stereo type hype of "I don't love you like I used to. I don't want to be married anymore" yada-yada-yada. We are in month #3 of recovery. My H has also been detached emotionally. He knew my emotions but I could never read his because he buried any feelings that were upsetting to him. With his upbringing it became a survival tool. We are working on "HIS" communication skills daily and we know now that the mess in our marriage would never have occurred if he'd just opened his mouth!

Look into your heart and give him a little bit. You have to do the give & take in order to make your marriage work altho there won't be trust for a long time to come. You may forgive him but you'll never forget. Communication is key!!
Best wishes...

I don't know. That sounds odd about the emotionally detached thing. I can't really imagine wanting to be married to someone who is so emotionally detached that he feels nothing for anybody. Can you explain this further? Is he saying the affair was purely for sex? Can you further explain the history of your relationship?

Hicktown:

Your WH is garden variety.

IF this stuff means so LITTLE to him, then it may be time for some serious counseling.

SERIOUS COUNSELLING.

ANd since he HAS this aqttitude, he is LOOKING for the next opportunity.

Because "It just doesn't matter"

Scary.

He abused SO many. And not to be concerned.

Scary.

LG

We've been married for almost 11 years. When we met it was a whirlwind romance. We were married within six months of our first date. We were complete opposites, but always had this strange and strong connection.

My father has never been emotionally forward (love and affection daily was not his thing) but I knew he loved me through his actions. DH is the same way. He showed his love for me with actions but not really ever with affection. I was used to this and it felt comfortable for me.

DH history is that his mom was married SEVEN times before he turned 16 years old. She had A after A and he was aware of many of them. He says that he probably shut down sometime during those years because he didn't want to feel the pain of attachment and loss. I think that sound reasonable.

DH says that he didn't have needs met with OW, but moreso that he could get whatever he wanted at the moment without having to meet her needs...essentially, he could have sex, conversation, friendship when he wanted without ever having to feel the burden of commitment. He admits that he totally used her. He even equated her to a prostitute at times.

I think he did it because he could have what he wanted and not have to work at it. She pursued him often and all he had to do was agree. Not that he wasn't to blame for his choices, but I think that if she hadn't pursued, he probably wouldn't have had the A.

HTM,

I'd say that true complete emotional detachment would make me uncomfortable. I don't know that I actually believe that is possible, it might be residual Fog. Your d-day was fairly recent, so it could be that he just doesn't get it yet how very painful his actions have been for you and how harmful his indifference is for both you and your DS's.

I guess if it were me, I would see if he is willing to get some much needed IC, which IMHO is pretty important even before you get MC.

He sounds like he is pretty unenthused about anything, could it be that he is suffering from depression?

Certainly, my FWH did some of the same things your FWH did, actively seeking OW for potential affairs, internet dating sites, and ultimately a lengthly EA that became a PA. My FWH was never indifferent however, actually quite the opposite.

Mind you, he believed that his PA was all about SF and I also believed that for years following D-day. Once we started MC with Jennifer, we got a better understanding of the real truth behind his A. It was more about not meeting each others EN's and my all too frequent love busting.

I have come to believe completely that too much damage is done by infidelity to a relationship to even begin to recover without the professional assistance and guidance of a solid, pro-marriage MC.

In the beginning, it is OK for you to be the one to put forth most of the recovery effort, not fair, but probably necessary. But, I think that eventually, he is going to have to enthusiastically get on board and work harder than you are for your marriage to actually recover.


Honestly, he really sounds depressed.

Who

The way that I describe his emotional detachment is the man before d-day. The man that has been here this week is not the man that I know. He has cried (I have NEVER seen him cry). He is emotionally vulnerable (I have NEVER seen this). He is truly present in our conversations, making thoughtful comments (I have NEVER felt him this way). He is open to me and while I think he struggles sometimes with how to tell me things, he is sharing.

As for the past, he talked with me, but never with such intimacy. He never really shared himself. That may sound corny (and maybe it's just me wishing it), but he is different.

He ended the affair almost 3 months before he told me. He had no need to tell me...i.e. being caught...he just decided to tell me because he had started to FEEL things for me and our children and wanted to be in our marriage (maybe even for the first time).

I think he is depressed and doesn't know it. I think he has a lot of unresolved childhood issues. I have hope that he and I can rebuild.

I don't know if he would go to a MC or an IC. He has always thought it's bull. Maybe because he's in denial of the feelings he's buried for so long?

HTM,

Well IMHO, this is all very good. Perhaps in time, he will recognize how helpful, and again IMHO, necessary the MC is in achieving real recovery.

I think it takes quite a while for the FWS to grasp the level of damage to both the BS and to the marriage that has been done by the affair and that it is very difficult to heal without someone guiding the couple thru the process.

For some of us, it takes a second near miss and visably seeing the end of the marriage coming toward us that makes us realize we don't have the skills and tools needed to recover on our own.

Best,

Who

My WSTBXH could have been described as emotionally detatched throughout most of our M. He was never really emotional about anything - good or bad. He didn't shed a tear at his father's deathbed or funeral and he even seemed to lack understanding of the emotions the rest of his family were expressing. I had always wanted him to be more romantic and feeling, but it just wasn't in him. I myself was somewhat emotionally detatched and probably was attracted to him in part because he didn't come on too strong, even in the beginning. I always felt like we were content, if not passionate together. Of course, all of this just increased the SHOCK of his A and the way he lavishes attention, affection and emotion onto his OW. I don't know what can be learned from this. Do I need to learn to feel and show more emotion? I sure felt (and showed) it during the past year and didn't like it one bit.

I'm concerned for you that your WH was able to have emotionally detatched A's. A's are so disrespectful and to do it without all of the usual drivers makes me a little queasy.

What do you know about the OW? Does she live in your hometown? Is it possible for him to see her or for her to see him? EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS are ESSENTIAL to insure that they have NO FURTHER CONTACT. I would wonder what has transpired in their RELATIONSHIP recently.

FIRST AND FOREMOST, regardless of what HE SAYS, request a NO CONTACT LETTER be sent to her. His response to your request for this will TELL YOU A LOT.

Just talked with my BFF and she can't believe that I'm staying. She says that she'll support me in my decision, but she thinks that he has done this to me before (when I caught him in the lie the first time and he "ended it"), and it continued.

She told me that everything I'm saying right now is exactly what I said the first time it "ended." She doesn't believe him and wants me to really think about whether or not I can actually trust him this time. What's different?

I don't know what is different, if anything...other than that he told me without me catching him. He seems more open to me, but maybe that's wishful thinking and I see what I want to see.

Aargh...I just start to think that I feel secure in my thoughts and I'm knocked to the side with someone else's opinion.

HTM,

This is not a decision for your BFF and her opinion should not influence you. I'd venture to say that nearly 100% of we BS here would have emphatically insisted that if OUR spouse cheated on us we'd divorce them immediately.

It is never as simple as it sounds to someone who hasn't experienced it. This is not to say that you might not decide to divorce if your FWH doesn't soon take an active role in the recovery process or if you are one of the BS who is unable to get over the affair. But the decision you make should be based on the status of your recovery and how you feel, not what your BFF thinks.

I was one of those "uninformed" people who would have advised a BS to end their marriage, and I would have been wrong.

If I had ended my marriage, I would have missed out on the opportunity to have a recovered marriage that is, in most ways, far better than it was before my FWH's affair.

I am sure that she is concerned for you, but she simply should not influence this decision.

Who

HTM,

""essentially, he could have sex, conversation, friendship when he wanted ""

These sound like emotional needs to me.

I think the guy is putting up a big front.

Sorry, nothing special here, he is like all the other WSs.

IMHO

kirk

You didn't respond to my post about the NO CONTACT LETTER.

We are encouraging your to follow the MB approach.

And NO, your WH is NO DIFFERENT.

The same PLANS are necessary.

NO CONTACT LETTER..EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS...

Mimi,
DH told me that he will write the NC letter, let me read it, and I can send it if I need it to be done. I think he has reservations about writing it because he is afraid that it will encourage her to contact him...

In a huge leap of faith, I think I will tell him tonight that I do need that letter written and sent. I'm scared and I don't know why. I know he'll do it. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Maybe that he won't be able to honestly say in the letter that it was a mistake for him to have an A. I think he rationally knows that it was wrong and I am sure that he will write whatever I tell him needs to be included, but I just don't know if he is in touch with his own shame/culpability yet.

I have faith that he will eventually see his past actions as mistakes, and I know that he understands it now, but I'm not sure that he can look at the past and see it yet.

This is where the EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS come in...You have to make it almost IMPOSSIBLE for her to contact him without you knowing. CHANGE ALL PHONE NUMBERS and EMAIL ADDRESSES. We did this IMMEDIATELY!!

You are making an AWFUL LOT of ASSUMPTIONS about HIM.

Take it DAY by DAY...actually minute by minute.

I FULLY UNDERSTAND your ANXIETY...have been right there in your shoes..but he is home with you..told you about the affair..says he's willing to write the letter..I haven't read your whole story but those are a couple of MAJOR POSITIVES..try to focus on the positive...

HTM,

The letter is absolutely necessary to confirm to OW that the affair is over and done, forever.

I can tell you that my FWH wrote one about 5 weeks after d-day even tho he had told her both over the phone and in an email that it was over and that he could never have any contact with her ever again.

Frankly, the letter was beautiful and made me realize how hurt FWH was by his actions as well. It was so clear that he felt nothing but contempt for the OW and loved me completely.

I must have read the letter daily for years after it was sent. And you know what, it worked, in over 4 years neither of us has heard from her.

Who

DH wrote the letter last night. I am sending it today. More about it on my other post:

My Story - Single Thread

HTM,

Frank Pittman in his book "Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy" breaks affairs into different types. It's a book I highly recommend.

I'm pulling these from memory and I don't have access to the book at the moment, but the types include, IIRC: romantic, philanderer, accidental, marital arrangements. I did a quick google and found an online article by Dr. Pittman, that goes into some detail and includes some of the categories I had not remembered.

Types of Affairs

He writes that the romantic affairs are the most destructive in that this is the category that is more likely to lead to divorce, murder, suicide, etc.

I think this is the category that is most often thought of when adultery is discovered, hence the belief that affairs all include emotional involvement.

Romantic infidelity has very different issues and a different life cycle than does, for instance, the business person who picks up OP and has affairs on his/her monthly business trips out of town.