D-Day - 2-9-08
married 20 years
4 children - ages 3-16
me - BS Female, 43 y.o.
Him - 45y.o.
Hi
I'm new to this site, but am finding it very helpful. This adultery stuff is such a secret sin, and I feel like I'm the only one going through it. Statisically, I know that's not true, but to my knowledge, none of my close friends have had to experience it. Thank you for this site so I know I'm not alone in this. His affair started in end of Oct '07 with a 23-year old girl with 2 young children who he met through AA. He has been a recovered alcoholic for 12 years, and has always gone to AA meetings at least 2 nights a week. I have always been supportive of that. Our marriage has certainly had its ups and downs, and I totally can see my part in not meeting his EN, which apparently, in his "alien" state, he believes this young girl has done.
We are really trying to work on repairing this, but there is one thing that I don't know how to handle. We find ourselves talking about this whole situation constantly, and my husband will use code words like "I have good days and bad days." I did not realize he was referring to his feelings for this woman...I thought he was talking about spiritual stuff...I feel hurt all over again, and we are at that 3 week mark where the withdrawal is supposed to be retreating. I wonder if we should stop talking about the specifics of this affair, and concentrate on how we will move forward in the future? I want to move away from here, and return to my home state, but I am trying to do what's right for my daughter (who still has a year of high school left.) My husband seems to want to use me as his confessor for everything re: this 3 month deal...I told him this morning that I consider what he did to be very silly - if he really wanted to enter into a serious relationship with someone, you would think he would choose someone that would be more on his level - in terms of age, education, etc. He is very quick to apologize for what he has done, and he agrees it was silly and a fantasy, yet he says he still struggles with the emotion of it. I should mention, prior to this affair, we were only intimate with each other about every 6 weeks, b/c I was so busy working 2 jobs and having four young children...I know I pushed him away. We have been down this road before...about 12 years ago...before he got sober. Then, it was again a woman with a child...he seems to have this "white knight syndrome" where he needs to rescue these damsels in distress. I am not that woman..I am extremely independent, have always earned more money than he, and just don't know how to do the vulnerability thing. To me, when you have 4 kids, that should clearly indicate that the other person is needed, but that is not how my husband receives his validation. I guess my core question is how do I get back that feeling of commitment that I used to have, now that I feel so betrayed? Does it help to stop talking about the affair and instead focus on future goals? Also, why does counseling help, vs. just reading books together, and praying together?
Thank you for any thoughts from others that are where I am! Looking for a ray of sunshine....

Welcome. You probably need to drop the independent thing, since one of hubby's needs is to be needed and admired. So start practicing the vulnerability thing.

I hope the two of you are spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without the kids. That will go a long way toward rebuilding the partnership.

Withdrawal sometimes lasts longer than 3 weeks - that period isn't set in stone.

Also you need to meet his SF needs, if he has been tested for STD's.

Be prepared to do most of the heavy lifting at first. I know, it isn't fair, but that is just the way it is.

Thank you for the reply...yes, we are spending alot of time alone, and have talked together more than we have in the last year probably. I hear what you are saying about the independent thing - I'm praying about that piece. I need to feel strong and in control just bc I am so scared for the future. On the STD question: that's a hard one, since he never let me in on the situation until after we had been together several times while the affair was still going on. I have yet to be tested myself..I'm one of those rare women who actually have never been with any other man, except for the couple thousand I've been with NOW after my husband's extramarital activity. Pretty p.o.'d still

I urge you to make STD-testing appts for both of you, and stress to your doctor(s) that you want ALL of them...I believe AIDS and herpes testing are separate tests, not necessarily automatic. It is very important for your health and early treatment if something IS detected. It will also be some more clear moments for your H, the error of having an affair.

I agree, practice sharing your vulnerability. Confident, independent women can still be gracious and "need" their Hs in ways that White Knights understand. Remember to show your appreciation for even the little things he does.

Have you considered some phone sessions with the Harleys? They're very good and could check that you're on the right track to recovery, probably quicker than in-person counseling.

berlyq: I am also married to a man who fancies himself a "knight in armour". My H became frustrated by a lack of sex and rather than speak to me, he went online to sex sites. His downfall was when he fell for #3 and she was a lonely (yea and how many husbands did she entertain before him) divorcee who was withdrawn after a bad marriage. She cried a good story about how he was the best lover she ever had and the most caring man and he fell for it. The affair went on for a year. Our D-Day was Dec. 27th and he left me for her but then had an awakening and returned to me by Jan.1st. (Praise God). We began seeing a MC early and she has been a big help. She keeps pushing that we need to communicate so I am utilizing her methods and Dr. Harley's to understand and work thru things. Luckily, my H tells our MC how his days are going and whether he thinks of the OW any more, rather than me. OW kept calling H at work to plead her cause because his decision was so sudden to return to me that she was left spinning, and because of this we have had a couple of stops and restarts to recovery. H told MC that he rarely thinks of OW during the week anymore and in the beginning it was daily because they used to speak daily on his lunch hour at work. When I questioned my H about why he felt the need to "rescue" OW he told me because she was vulnerable and I was so independent I didn't need him. I said that may be so...but why should I have to be?? Why couldn't he take care of me for once so I wouldn't have to be so independent?
Our MC has been focusing on communication but thru this site I have learned how the mechanics of recovery work, and the steps to get there. My H wants to forget the A and move on but we have to confront it before I can move on and my H has only just now done that. He would get angry when we spoke of it as he still attempted to protect OW and tried to convince me that she was not a part of this. Only this past weekend did he finally realize she held as much responsibility for the A as he did. Now we can recover!

You need to do some things for yourself though and that includes being tested. My H tried to persuade me that I didn't need to because he'd been safe but then admitted oral involvement and that's NOT safe. DUH! It is embarrassing but my dr. was so supportive and when my H saw the embarrassment I was going thru in requesting the tests, he got the full impact of his actions.
~wadeallie aged: 46 yrs
H: 45 years
married 19.5 years
4 children: 26, 24, 18, 13