Todd, 3/09/08

An insight into my soul and the struggles that I go through…

Some on the website have asked me how I have changed from this experience and you continue to question why I stay with you. A poster wrote in a thread recently that they felt their WS understood the magnitude of what they had done based off of some of the things that they had posted to other WS’s. My hope in writing some of these things down is that it will give you a better understanding of who I am, where I am, how I got here and where I am going. You know that I am not the best communicator. Please read these things as they are and do not re-word them in your mind. I am opening up my heart and feel very exposed right now sharing these things with you.

Please keep in mind that these are not complete lists but ONLY some of the things that I can think of. I continually think of things that I could add here but I have forgotten them.
So as I do I will try to add them here.

In Bible class today, the question was posed…What is your name and what does that mean?? Who are you? What defines you? What mark or fingerprint do you want to leave behind? I don’t know the answers to all of these questions but one thing I do know is that I am NOT defined by this affair and I do not want that to be the mark that is left by me.

How have I changed: (not in any particular order)
• Honesty- I see how important this is (not that I didn’t before, it’s just different) I stress to everyone (kids, students and even co-teachers) that it is better to be open and honest. Before I would have not encouraged someone to face up to things or confront someone else. Because I was such a conflict avoider, I would have let it drop.
• Due to your moral standard, I have found myself questioning mine. I try my best (and not always successfully) to be very mindful of the things that are said about others and encourage the children to not gossip as well.
• It is important to me that I do what I say. I did before but not with such conviction.
• I question and continue to question why I allowed myself to go down that road (the A). I had always thought of myself as different from the world morally. I believed in God and went to church and tried to do what I thought was right. After I had the A, I had a really hard time dealing with the idea that I was the SAME as everyone else in the world. I know that is one reason I did not tell you about what happened when I got home from my trip. I thought if I told you, then it would be real and I would have to face up to it and admit to myself what I had done. In not telling you I could shove it away, way back and not think about it. This for some reason made me feel better about it. Since no one else knew, then I could pretend it didn’t happen. Fast forward 7 years, when I took the children and left you, I knew that if there was any way we were going to have a good marriage I needed to answer your questions about the trip. So I did! Obviously, I had no idea of the trauma it would cause to you and our relationship.
• I have NO desire to allow anything to compromise who I am and my Christianity, nor to put myself in another situation that would lead to a moral dilemma. I have hurt you more than I will ever know and do not ever want to do that again.
• I see more clearly how other couples appear to be out in public but most everyone has issues at home. Not to blindly believe what I see.
• I realize how I let my emotions get the better of me (and sometimes still do). I talk to myself and get myself to see things more realistically then emotionally. To keep things in perspective. This is VERY difficult for me and I struggle with it still, but I am very aware of it.
• Being a mother now, I recognize how my actions and behaviors affect the children (even the actions before they were born) and want to better prepare them spiritually for the things life will throw at them.
• I try to focus on the things that I can change and try to recognize those that I can’t. I question myself daily and fight Satan constantly in this department.
• I work hard to focus on the positives in you. Many things about you are VERY different then me. In the past, I would see them as wrong. I try very hard to see them as different now and try to look at them from your perspective.
• I pray daily that God will help me see clearly the things that I need to change. It is amazing to me how something in a sermon or even a comment from someone else might hit a cord for me and help me in this department.
• When making a decision, I think about what you would like and if possible decide based on that and not bother you with it.
• I appreciate the smaller things now. Especially when looking back at the sweet things that you have done in the past like: your proposal in Vienna, our 10th anniversary trip, my 40th b-day surprise and many more things that you have done in the past. I think about the cards that you would buy and what they said in them. You always put thought into them and clearly choose your words. I love that you dated them so I would know when they were given to me.
• Ray told me that I needed to get a “thicker skin”. To not let things you say hurt and be tougher. This one is very hard for me. I have a hard time identifying whether I am developing a thinker skin or becoming callus. I don’t want to become insensitive but I do however want to be able to recognize when things are worthy of hurt feelings.
• When the children ask me tough questions about you, I always keep in mind that it is important that I speak positively about you.
• The blessings that I have are so much clearer to me. I try to focus on them especially when things are not good with you.
• Sermons in church speak so much louder to me and I am open to hearing what is being said. I can identify with what is being said and try to soak it all in and let it help me.
• You know that I am ADD, reading is not something I enjoy doing. I have several books on several different topics that I have never completely read. So to listen to a tape or CD in the car is better. I have listened to “How to get the love you want” and several of the marriage enrichment CD’s from the seminar we had at church that I went to.
• I have posted on Marriage Builders and been open minded to people’s opinions and thoughts. I also, realize that that is what they are other’s advice. I read and determine what is best for us, even if some are saying leave.
• In the bedroom, back after d-day we talked about how you wanted me to let go and be freer to do anything. I have let go and we have done A LOT more than I did before.
• You told me that 100% honesty was expected all of the time. I have been 100% honest with you. You know everything that has happened. The toughest part for me is to talk to you now when you have hurt my feelings. I have to make myself do that.
• You wanted me to NEVER fake sexual pleasure again and I NEVER have.
• I have a better understanding how hard a good marriage is and the time and work that needs to be invested in it to make it work.
• I understand better how fragile relationships are and the importance of being REAL.
• I am more careful about not speaking before I think (not always successful with this ) I think you feel like I am thinking through my answers because you think I am trying to hide something. That is not the case at all. Because communication is a problem for me, I want to be sure that what I say is clear. I am not always successful in this endeavor however. 
I realize that many of these changes can not be “seen” by you but they are there and they are very real.




Why am I still here?: (not in any particular order)
• I love you!!
• I look forward to something better in my marriage to you.
• I don’t want to leave!!!
• I can’t imagine life without you
• 20 years of memories and time invested
• I believe this is the best thing for the children
• Hope to get on the other side of this so we can someday be helpful to others and even our children.
• I know you are a good man and have been hurt horrifically.
• I want the opportunity to make things right between us.
• We CAN have a terrific marriage. I TRULY believe that!!
• Staying here also keeps me closer to God and my focus where it needs to be.
• Running away is not an option for me. I broke my marital promise to you and I don’t want to break anymore promises I made to you.
• Financially d’ing would be a mess
• There are no guarantees in life. Struggles will always be there. I want to conquer this struggle so I will be stronger to face the next one that comes along.
• I truly believe that God would not have blessed us with these three beautiful children if we didn’t have it in us the make it through this.
• I have faith that God is not finished with me yet. I still have a lot of growing to do and I am open to it.
• I want to play with our grandchildren together and grow old together.
• I don’t want to be a wife failure
• I want to have the chance to be the wife and friend that you need me to be
• I want to have a chance to be at peace with all of this and enjoy the gifts and blessings that God has given to us
• I want to be a good example as a wife, mother and Christian to others

Again Todd, this is not a complete list. I don’t know that this is a type of list that could or should ever be complete. I thought maybe if I wrote some of this down that you would have a better understanding of my daily struggles and why I am here. I think it is important to recognize that many times I allow Satan in and he messes with my head and I am not always successful in keeping him out. What you do with this information is of course up to you but I hope that it will at least open a door for you to be able to see the REAL me.

I love you,
Cruise

you seem very assured that it is certainly the case that Todd is choosing to hurt Cruise with his behavior.

I think that is a disrespectful judgement on Todd. You can't know his motivations for his behaviours apart from what he and Cruise have told you.

I have learned that recovery is not black or white.

The choices are not : "divorce and go " or "stay and forgive".

When children ,finances, faith and beliefs are involved the decision can be far more complex than that.

A person can love their kids enough to place their stability ahead of their own desires in the aftermath of betrayal. Is that weak or strong ?

A person can want to retain the wealth & comfort they worked for together for years and so bear unforgiveness or an unhealed wound in order to support that. Is that weak or strong ?

A person can be directed by their faith and beliefs to divorce or not divorce regardless of how they " feel" , is THAT weak or strong ?

I am coming to believe that it is unrealistic for a BS to stay "only" if some day they expect to feel untouched by the hurt of their betrayal. Such is a shaky foundation for a marriage as it is unlikely.

And that it is also unrealistic for an FWS to stay only if they feel that one day no bad consequence of their decisions will ever revisit them after some miracle point of "recovery" arrives.

Fact is for most of us, BS and FWS, we have an imperfect path before us, that we must make on-balance value judgements about each day.

Staying in a marriage because we expect superhuman contrition from the FWS is as unrealistic as expecting superhuman forgiveness from the BS IMO.

BSs may feel that they may never fully heal from betrayal but feel your duties / beliefs primarily keep you married ? Welcome to the reality of most recoveries.

FWS may feel that they will never be free of the stigma of infidelity ? Well the flesh bond with OP that they made is as real as Snickers bars. Own it. Live with it. Anything better than this reality is a bonus.

I consider the situation of Todd and Cruise : if I discovered a betrayal long hidden by lies and maybe even with family assistance, I might consider every loving action performed with my FWS during the lying period to be corrupted. I had only three months of lies and betrayal from Squid before I busted the affair. There were few "loving adventures" we had together during those dark days. But I can project how its more than two nights of PA that broke Todd's heart,but also the lies robbed him of a good sized chunk of what should be the happiest part of his life.

Yet I ache to have a FWS willing to work on recovery as much as Cruise apparently is.

I don't think recovery is absolute very often, but many couples recover to a functioning level: where they can be happy most of the time.

Where even THIS is not attainable, perhaps divorce is best for all parties ?

According to Pep, it is risky to avoid DJ to people other than our spouses and not appropriate to apply here on the forum. It is strictly a tool to build intimacy.

I agree with you. But I sure wish you guys would make up your minds. ********edit******.

It can be complicated. But it’s not a matter of weak or strong. I never said anything about anyone being weak or strong. But would you agree that there is a problem when their MC says it’s up to Todd and after 4 years of Cruise trying everything she can to work on the M, he still hasn’t decided if he wants to work on it?

Quote:
I am coming to believe that it is unrealistic for a BS to stay "only" if some day they expect to feel untouched by the hurt of their betrayal. Such is a shaky foundation for a marriage as it is unlikely.



It’s a bit extreme to think that a BS will never feel untouched by a spouse’s betrayal.

Quote:
And that it is also unrealistic for an FWS to stay only if they feel that one day no bad consequence of their decisions will ever revisit them after some miracle point of "recovery" arrives.



It’s a bit extreme to think that a WS will never feel untouched by their betrayal.

What about some forgiveness, just a smidgen, so Cruise will have some hope?

I’m glad that someone of your influence on this forum will stand up and say this. I’m not being sarcastic in any way.

I meant the words generally not in a "Harley lovebusting" way. That it was disrespectful to judge a person negatively on small evidence. but hey, good folks disagree everyday

I tried to explain that I thought it was unrealistic to build a recovery on the CERTAINLY of total healing or total forgiveness. While attainable, those statuses are pretty rare in my experience. That's all.

I just get shouted at for not being fully recovered at almost 4 years nowadays

Thanks for reading and responding S&C. I feel stupid when I spend time on a post that nobody reads

**********edit*************

Remember, each of you are sharing your perspectives. It's usually not a matter of being right or wrong. So if he perceives something differently than you do, why argue. Thank him for sharing and file that away so you understand his thinking.