My M problems mostly go start at my H making stupid choices when he is mad. I feel very, very betrayed. Instead of recovery, my husband does more radical dumb stuff:

Like taking my name off his checking account (behind my back- he did not think we would last). -- NOW he's sorry.
Recodring our conversations (he got a new office gizmo for meetings and I believe he wanted to "prove" I was saying mean things to him.) -- NOW he's sorry.
And at Thanksgiving- he went to a divorce attorney and filled out paperwork <but was never going to tell me he did so.> -- NOW he's pathetically sorry.

Our priest told me I was married to the WORST communicator he's ever met.

He's always sorry THE NEXT DAY. I know he was raised by kooks who disown, beat, call police, School personell, sue and steal things from each other. I never imagined he'd treat me
...like a member of his family...

He says he love me.. he want's recovery...blah blah..

My question is: In recovery (it has been 2 years of "recovery" -- mostly on my part) Does the BS ever just feel like there is nothing there? Love is over? How much can one take?
Is it time to throw in the towel?

It would really financially hurt us to divorce and sell. I loved him unconditionally- he acted out in this midlife crisis sh*t.-- NOW he's sorry.

I have felt like this a few weeks. Is it normal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Our MC only seems to call these "mistakes" that he has made. She does not want to tell me how to handle them- only if I'm going to forgive him.

I know in marital situations of severe stress- people can do stupid things. I am sick of it.

I feel like I have REBT, books, websites, education and MC on my side- unconditional love may have limits.

Or is this a natural part of recovery?

Unconditional love is very unhealthy.

Yes, BS lose their love for a spouse at times.

IMHO, too many people put up with [email]cr@p[/email] for too long around these parts. There comes a point where if the WS or FWS are not pulling their own weight..they should be jetisoned to the land of ex spouses.

When you are talking about "recovery" are you talking about recovery from infidelity? Are you a BS (betrayed spouse) meaning your husband had an affair?

Just trying to figure out where you're starting from...

Barbi,

I suspect that we all, both BS and WS feel that way from time to time.

Although my FWH has never said so, I imagine that, at the very least, he didn't feel much love for me in the early days of his PA. How could he have, he was too focused on himself and OW's adoration of him.

I, myself have experienced several periods when no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feel love for my FWH. Fortunately, I knew that it was hiding somewhere and sure enough it did come back.

Now ask me why after all we have been thru, I do still love him. The answer to that still escapes me.

Who

Is it a MB thing that unconditional love is unhealthy?

I agree with the above statement in an abusive relationship- but I don't think it is unhealthy as a concept.

Maybe I was raised old fashioned. My "Peeps" were the stick together kind- his were shi*z to each other.
Big clash of the paradigms.

It's been 2 years since D-day and my D. My love is squished. Gone. Non existant.

You move on and I say you should bail if you don't have kids and someone cheats on you.

Yes, it is generally a MB thing that unconditional love is unhealthy, but is not stated explicitly. Have you read the Basic Concepts about ENs, the Love Bank, and how each of us have a Giver and Taker?

I previously believed that love between a husband and wife should be unconditional. This is because of the love I was shown by my family and God. Unfortunately, others do not grow up with that, and so what is normal love to them is not normal to us. This becomes confusing when our spouse says 'i love you' but their actions are the opposite of what we define as love.

There should be conditions on your love because otherwise the person you love can abuse that and make you miserable. Read His Needs, Her Needs

To answer your first question, yes, I feel like I have lost my feelings of love for my W. When I think of her it makes me either angry or depressed, never happy. So I try not to think of her.

There have been times when I've felt like my love for my WH was gone. It was usually when I was trying to get my brain around some of the things he'd done. I'd logically think that I didn't love him anymore.

Those thoughts always passed as we worked through things. As we get closer to recovery, I realize that I do still love the original guy I married - but not so much the WH he became.

I also realize that loving him doesn't mean that I have to stay in a M that is destined to be one sided or where my WH doesn't hold up his end of the deal. I've gotten to a point where I can work very hard on my part and leave his part to him. If he doesn't do it, then we will D whether I love him or not.

I believe that it is an MB thing. However, I don't believe that it is true.

It is true, however, that otherwise great concepts are misapplied or even deliberately misused all the time.

It is possible 2 love others, including our spouses, unconditionally. That is NOT 2 say that marriage is unconditional. Since it's a contract, it is very definitely conditional.


-Dr Guy Pettit, "The Forgiveness Program"

-ol' 2long

Here's my advice on unconditional love.


Love can be unconditional. Relationships, however, ARE conditional.



That is what makes the difference in the marriage. You can certainly love your husband unconditionally. However, your marriage can, and should, have conditions applied.

POJA your conditions.

SB

My goodness 2long - I've read some rubbish on this site but I think you just got the gold star.

Have you confronted your wife yet?

fear won't let him do that.

Dr. Harley’s reply to “Unconditional Love”

“The gist of my argument is that unilateral love (unconditional love) lends itself to a lifestyle where one suffers for the happiness of the other. It's easy to get into the habit of living that way, and there are many well-meaning spouses who give unconditionally, only to find themselves repeatedly on the short end of the stick. They begin to think that they are natural "Givers" and their spouses are natural "Takers." But it turns out to be a matter of perspective. If you talk to their spouses, they think they are the givers.”

People mistakenly equate ‘agape” love in the Bible with unconditional love. This is not quite right. 2long actually has the right information about agape love.

It means basically to call forth a sense of responsibility, and a capacity to make wise choices.

Everything else he quotes falls under this description.

Agape love is healthy because it always does what’s best for the one receiving it. It is oftentimes accompanied by grace and mercy. Which some mistakenly interpret as weakness.

As far as your question regarding nothing being there; love is an emotion just like anger, sadness etc. Just like you are not always angry, or happy or sad; you are not going to have the feeling of being “in love” all the time. Just not going to happen.

The concepts you’ll find here at MB are to help you develop that feeling of being in love again. They work if applied properly.

Good luck and Blessing to you.

S&C

It isn't surprising that such a small mind would have difficulty with big thoughts.


Have you stopped attacking MBers yet?

Because of the pervasiveness of negativity on these boards from people such as yourself and medc (just 2 name a 2ple on this thread), I will no longer be posting anything about my relationship with my W 2 this forum.

It's none of your business, and you really don't know what you're talking about anyway.

-ol' 2long

I think this is an MB thing and i am not sure that i agree with it. There are a lot of MB things that i do agree with but this is not one of them.

I have unconditional love for my spouse and my children and i am a giver and i like that about me, i do not see it as a bad thing but MB does.

I disagree - I think what some call 'unconditional love' is what Christians would consider agape love - "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being"

I find it fascinating that 2 Long (not a Christian believer) embraces the concept so close to agape - this idea - that there exists an elevated and elegant sort of love is not rubbish in Christendom

K said 2 me recently, "You may not have found Him, but He most certainly has found you."

I 2k that as a very high complement.

-ol' 2long

I was gonna say sompin' similar - but decided agin'it

God has his eye on you

I prayed on my knees in tears for God to take away the utterly undeserved love I had for Squid when she was cheating on me.

He didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My love for her seems unconditional. My LIKE for her seems conditional.


Odd huh ?