I just typed my heart out for almost an hour and it came back to me...

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I am so frustrated!!! I have been hurting and crying since Friday because we cannot get along just to get through everyday life. I've been holding my tongue and hiding the hurt in an attempt to keep the peace and he still gets really angry with me. I am not usually a crier, at least not to this extent. Yesterday he agreed to couples counseling and trying the Marriage Builders program. We both read a lot and started the questionnaires. Today, he blew up at me again even though I tried to diffuse the situation with all my might. My stomach is so twisted up in knots that at times I feel as though I will vomit. I am so tired of being yelled at. Sometime he claims that he's not yelling, but when the pets run for cover I think that's a pretty good indication that he is yelling. When I try to get away from him when he's yelling he says I don't want to hear what he has to say. I tell him no, I want very much to discuss the situation, but I will not tolerate being yelled at any longer. When he is somewhat calm he refuses to talk to me. He says I always turn it around to be his fault. I tell him it doesn't have to be anyone's "fault" but if we are arguing it's usually because we both have strong feelings about the situation and so we should both be able to share our feelings. He does not agree. He wants to rant on and list every thing I've ever done or not done that has wronged him in some way and not give me a chance to speak.

Please give me some peace-keeping strategies to use while we work on our relationship. I am so tired of crying and it's affecting my ability to do daily tasks.

I don't think I have any better strategies than what is already listed on this website (instincts and habits, love busters, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, policy of joint agreement, etc.).

Feeling like you are holding your tongue and hiding your hurt is just going to make you resentful and you will probably instigate arguments without even realizing it. What has helped me with this is to really examine my feelings and see if I am maybe perceiving slights where none are meant and to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. Also I stopped making him wrong for "not taking care of my feelings" and have taken more responsibility for my own feelings. At first it might seem to you that you are letting him get away with something. But for me anyway, it has meant that we can talk about improving things without it turning into a big fight/stalemate/I'm right-you're wrong thing. It will take time, but keep working on it and it will get better.

Oh and if you hit your back button when you get that error message, your post should still be in the box. Then you can copy it, reload the page, paste it back in the box and post it. It seems to time out if you spend too long posting. Alternatively, you can type a little, then hit continue (make sure preview reply is checked) and then edit it in the preview page. I haven't had the time out problem on the preview page.

Use the counseling, use the MB stuff, and for the quick fix, the next time he yells, calmly say "I won't participate if you're yelling. I'm going into the other room and I'll be back in 20 minutes, when we've calmed down. Then we can talk about this.' Then leave and come back in 20 minutes, like you said. If he starts yelling again, leave again. You may have to do it a few times til he gets the message.

If he tries the old 'if you leave I won't talk about it when you get back' trick, just say 'that's your choice' and leave anyway. Don't let him manipulate you. You have to be the calm, nonjudgmental one, since you are the one here getting educated. Just be consistently calm and nonjudgmental, make it safe for him to talk to you.