Brought up in church, know a LOT about the Word, had an affair on my wife, she wants me to be on here, I am the "offending husband" or whatever the acronym is, so...here I am, crucify me [color:"black"] [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's called a "wayward husband" and you're certainly not here to be crucified. The goal of this forum is not to crucify anybody, but to offer help and guidance in restoring marriage, especially after an affair.

Are you here willingly?
Does your wife participate on this board?

I'm just trying to do whatever she wants, and she wants me on here so I am. I'm pretty upset with myself right now, it's been almost a year since it was revealed, and I ended the relationship with her best friend about a year and a month ago. What I did was horrible and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it. She reads stuff on here all the time but I don't think she's ever participated. It'll be 10 years for our marrage in November, I'm 27 and we have 3 kids together. Long history, and i don't really feel like typing our whole marrage stuff right now, but if there's any questions you have I'll answer honestly and try not to leave anything incriminating out to make me seem like I'm the victim or anything

Tigerripper -

INHO there are a handful of things you need to do in order to even begin to be successful.

*Adjust your attitude. You should be here because you want to save your marriage, not simply because your wife told you to.

*You're already playing the victim by saying, "here I am, crucify me." Take a step back and do some reading. The Wayward Spouses and Betrayed Spouses are here to help in any way that they can.

*Whether you feel like it or not, take the time and the effort to give a little background on what your story is. No one here is going to be able to help if they're constantly trying to find answers to what happened. Volunteer as much info as you're comfortable with and let people help you from that point.

*Love your wife. WIth all your heart, body and soul, love her, protect her and win her back.

I am the WS. I had an affair and I've only been here a few months but I'm learning every day. These people have a lot to offer but you need to help them to help you.

Well your whiney posts so far aren't a good start if you aren't claiming victim status.

Are you only on here to placate your wife or are you on here to straighten out?

Do you love your wife?

What have you done to restore your marriage?

OMG ILMH - are you channelling me?

LOL

HA! I must be BK....who knew we thought on the same track?

too funny.

wait, hold on, i am NOT the victim, my wife is. Want history? fine, met in high school, 18, both virgins, had sex ONCE, (was and STILL am in love with her) got pregnant (she did, not me), willingly and lovingly got married. I've had issues with porn ever since i was 13, i've lied to her about it and took years to stop. She's been sexually abused from foster kids since she was 5, my stupid porn crap caused a lot of pain in her, so much that she'd constantly bring up separation and divorce over and over again, she befriended a ****** (un-beknowced to us at the time), we had talked about getting a vasectomy after having 2 beautiful daughters and she got the baby bug for a boy after friends around her kept getting pregnant, she freaked out, i freaked out, i knew we couldn't really afford another child at the moment, she wanted to bless me with my son, had a fight at one point in time, she threw the "separation" word around, i snapped, started to talk to her ****** of a best friend behind her back, left her while she was pregnant with our son (her having hyperemesis gravidarum didn't help) and carried out a full blown affair. Now how the heck can someone get "victim" from that?

apparently the word blanked out there is w h o r e

Take a deep breath.

It's obvious that you and your wife have a number of issues to deal with. I'm the last person that's going to throw stones, and I assure you, no one else on this site is going to either. You've got to take a step back for a second. Let me ask a few questions..

How old are the kids?

How long did your affair last?

Are you both willing participants in this marriage? Meaning... do you both want to recover or are you doing it because you think it will pacify her? I'm not being a jerk in asking that, it's something that you really need to consider, you both do.

How long has your wife known about your affair?

Are either of you in individual or marriage counseling?

BK may be able to offer a bit more guidance here. He's been around a long time. I have to say though, name calling, IMHO,really not going to get you anywhere.

i have no idea what IMHO means, lol, it sounds like " i'm a ho" lol, sorry. um, kids are almost 9 (daughter), 6 (daughter), and almost 1 (son). Affair lasted emotionally about 6 months, physically approx 2 months. My wife graciously said she wants to work things out and I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. She has known about the affair for...I think 10 months. We have gone to about 5 sessons of marrage councling since the affair was known, and she has gone i think once individually. i have not gone by myself

IMHO = In my humble opinion.

I'm going to let one of the men on here offer what advice they can. I think you're going to find that a lot of personal growth is needed.

I wish you the best. Take care.

Tiger - lose the attitude.

Really.

Have you read the infidelity FAQ's here on this site? Harley's basic concepts? Have you done the EN questionaires?

Why did you have an affair?

Can you read some of Dr Harleys books?

My immediate suggestions?

Order the Basic Concepts DVD and the infidelity DVD from this site as well as Fall in love, stay in love.

You can use the concepts by Dr Harley to recover your marriage and heal from infidelity but to be honest you sound very angry with a poor attitude.

This is a narrow road and recovery is tough.

Do you have the balls for it?

Where are you based BTW? It's very late in the USA right now....

there's a thread with all the acronyms and abrieviations at the top of this board BTW.

Not for me it doesn't...For me, it means In My HONEST opinion, as I have no humble opinions of course! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


TR,

The reason you got the "victim" label is that you came here acting like your wife was holding a cattle prod to your scrotum...Gotta lose the pompous attitude and come at this with a humble heart...That is what it will take from you to help heal your wife...No more coming at this like your wife is somehow lucky that you are still there...You're the lucky one, yanno?

I think you can do this, and I will be rooting for you...You have to put in a sincere effort at posting here...I promise that if you do, it will help you, your wife and your marriage...

I would suggest that you start a thread on General Questions II...There is a lot more traffic there and you would benefit from the input of many...

Mrs. W

bigk-yes, my wife found this site and suggested i read the basic concepts and i did. I'm in California. Times are tough for us right now finanically and that's why we haven't gone to councilling in a couple of months. Thank you for the IMHO clarification, and for being very angry, i am, but at myself, not at my wife, i'm grateful and feel undeserved for her to choose to work things out. I feel upset because i don't want to come off as the "victim", i was just trying to convey my emptyness i feel at this moment, but so far all i get is a big F.U. for this attempt to do what i can to make anything better. What attitude? The attitude of knowing i F'd up and want to do whatever i can? How is that wrong? I've made several posts before your last one, what do you need clarification on? I don't like to clarify much, i don't want to make excuses, I feel like if i give a reason as to possibly why it happened it would come off as myself justifying it and that's not what i want.

And really, TR, you aren't in any position to be calling the OW a wh[/i]ore yanno...Let us not forget that it took two to tango...If she is a wh[i]ore then, by golly, you are a HIMBO...When taking inventory and checking true colors, don't forget to look at yourself, m'kay?

Mrs. W