I need help. I just got picked apart by my BW for the past 2 1/2 hours about how throughout our whole marrage i've just been a big dissapointment, and as soon as i started breaking down after a couple of hours and started crying, i was told i'm being selfish and not acknowledging her pain, when all i can think of is how much pain i've caused her and it kills me inside because of how much i love her. what do i do? i was receptive, didn't yell at her, answered all of her questions honestly, and i'm about to lose my mind. I asked her what she wants me to do, i begged her to tell me, and the response is "be strong and be a man." I asked her to elaborate but she can't

TR,

You did the right thing. You answered her questions and it's nice to see that you didn't get angry. That's a big improvement. That's what you are going to have to do each and every time.

How about answering the questions in my previous post?

tst: other q's - I try to talk to my parents (Dad mostly because he's more the voict of the family), and i have put them in their place several times when they came over, but unfortunatly their just as headstrong as i am...so that's where i get it...anyways, they've backed off being so strong to where it's more of a soft loving "we miss you in church" instead of "GET YER BUTT IN CHURCH NOW!"

Reading drives me insane, lol, if i absolutly HAVE to i will. My wife sent me a link to the "emotional needs" stuff at work and i printed them out so probably tomorrow we'll fill them out.

I do feel the need to correct something you congradulated me on, you said i didn't get angry, well i did, but at myself, not her. At one point in time i went to go take a shower while she prepared dinner for the family, and while in the shower my emotions got worse, and the next thing i know she comes in and starts asking/getting on to me for it (crying, bawling, etc.), and i don't want to say anything because i don't want to be the "blame-shifter" or "self-loathing" or whatever person, when all i'm upset about is how i could've done all these horrible things to her throughout our marrage. Anywho, i did yell, but it was, how can i say this, towards myself but she was around. you know? It was like this - wife "what's wrong, why are you etc." me - i'm sorry, i don't think i'm supposed to say anything because i don't want to take the focus off me" wife - "why are you crying over yourself, what about me?" me- *yelling* "i can't stand myself and what i've done to you, i hate it, it hurts me so bad that i hurt you, i'm sorry, etc."

TR,

You really need move your post over to the General Questions II board. That is where all the traffic is and where you will receive more help.

This board is for BS's who have just found out about an affair.

Just start a new thread on the Gen II board and copy your story from here and paste it over on the new thread.

tigerripper - providing a "safe environment" in which to work through the difficult and stressful work of recovery is very important. To that end, and based upon what I read elsewhere I'd like to suggest you DO something that you might not "want to do," but that I believe is essential that you DO anyway. Would you be willing to do that?

It is my understanding that you have a gun or guns in the house and that they have made an appearance whether or not there was any intention of using them. Please take all guns out of the house TODAY and give them to someone who can be trusted with them or turn them over to the police. Whichever way, make it plain that you are not to have them back for at least 2 years or until your wife agrees that you are both recovered and no longer "in recovery."

This is an "easy" first step that doesn't require much of anything other than getting rid of the ability to "accidentally" use something that can cause permanent and irreparable harm to yourself or to someone you love.

Will you do it as a "first step" in showing through your actions that you really DO want a shot (pun intended) at recovering your marriage without actually having a shot fired? Do THIS surrender of weapons on purpose, okay?