Tami, please STOP this lovebusting behavior and GO INTO PLAN B. Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Change the LOCKS, send the letter! Go into Plan B. And until you go dark, stop the lovebusting games. It is not helping the situation to give him the cold shoulder.

Doing this strategically, instead of emotionally increases the chance that this will work out. But this set up is only making it WORSE.

I would do it this way so it is not such a huge shock when you go dark: Explain to him that you need this seperation because his presence is so painful to you. Ask him to stop coming in the house and find another place to spend his days. Give him a week, THEN, change the locks. In that week, be as pleasant and warm as possible.

Once that is done, being as pleasant as possible, send him the Plan B letter and GO DARK. This way his last memory of you is pleasant.

Also, have you exposed this affair to everyone? Their workplace, her H, her parents, his parents, etc?

P,

Thanks for getting back to me. I am changing his availability to MY home. But what can I do if he's just there waiting? As far as the kids are concern, they are old enough to hack out their own schedule so I don't need to be involve. Of course I can't completely not hear about H, cause if the kids need to vent/talk I'm not going to tell them I can't talk to them. What do you think I should do? I need to be available to my children even if it's uncomfortable. I'm doing the best I can, I won't lie..I miss him so much. And even though I know that I can survive this and be better in the long run...it's still very scary to think that you may have to start over. Thank you for your input, it's been very helpful to have a clear voice thru all this chaos! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Fled:

Hi, friend! The reason why I choose to not be a part of the family activities is cause it's his family. I love them but they are ones to pretend that everything is just fine-we don't talk about "unpleasant" things. So, I will make arrangement with them separately. I was thinking if he had to be there w/o me, it may make a bigger impact, it would be harder to ignore the fact that things are okay if there is a missing spot at the table. What do you think...does that make sense? I'm pretty confident that he won't bring the OW to anything b/c the in laws don't like her at all. And though they won't talk about anything unhappy they are very good at letting people know when they don't like them.

Anyways, things are good...bad....good! Roller coaster ride at it's finest! Hey if you need help finding a house..I know a really nice real estate lady. So if you are interested I can give you her name and you can google her. She and I don't talk so if you want to keep your identity a secret I won't know. Do what's comfortable for you, no worries. Hope all is going well for you. As always, thank you! You have hung in there with me pretty much from the beginning...it has helped me keep my sanity!

To everyone who has posted...yes even Melodylane...please don't give up on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tami

Go inside and shut the door. Why would he be there waiting if he knows he can't come in? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

ML,

Yes, everyone has been exposed. OWH had exposed to workplace, I just found this out but I'm not sure what happened after that and I'm not sure when he exposed. I do know that they have changed her schedule so that OW/WH are not working together as much. Do you think I should call OWH and compare information? I know that if WH finds out it would be major LB.

I don't know how much her family knows-I do know that her father has major health issues, but WH family now knows. They are not ones to get too involve in other people's business..though his youngest sister has been very supportive since she found out. She has been calling and checking up on all of us. WH exposed to her himself and when I talked to her, he was actually very truthful about the situation. He told her that he doesn't know what to do. Compare to a lot of other people's M, his was great. So what's wrong with him? She told him that he was using the wrong head! And to pull his head out of his a$$ before he looses it all.

Did you get a chance to look at my letter? Believer didn't like my original letter so I copied Ethan's letter. Let me know what you think!

Thanks,
Tami

I think he's hoping I will change my mind! I can't make sense of why WS do what they do..I guess if I think only of myself and how and what would make me the most comfortable/happy I would get it. Oh, wait...I can't cause I'm an adult/parent and I wear big girl panties! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tami

Tami, I would call the OWH TODAY and compare notes. That is not a lovebuster. A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

You are supposed to be doing everything in your power to disrupt the affair.

I would also send a formal letter to Human Resources informing them of the affair. Here is a letter developed by BritsBrat: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

Send the letter registered and cc both of their bosses and a key VP. Address it to the Director of HR.

You will want to expose to his family YOURSELF. If they were told by your H, then they got a highly spun version. Tell them the TRUTH and then do this----------->real important-----> ask for their advice! When you do this, it motivates them to help you. Call his parents and any close siblings, friends.

Do you know how to get ahold of her parents? I will go look at your letter.

Tami, I like your letter! But before you do any of that, i would call the OWH TODAY and see if he even knows about the affair. Then proceed from there.

However, is his sister the BEST CHOICE for an intermediary? For example, will she agree to be completely NEUTRAL and only pass on critical information? She can't pass on his rantings and ravings about how upset he is about nc. Will she protect you from that? Will she negotiate his return and TEST HIS SINCERITY?

Another thing to consider is his job situation. In the event of a reconciliation, that will have to change because recovery will be impossible if they still work together. Have you considered that?

Also you will want to send a copy of your plan B letter to the OW with a note to her. Just use the note in Surviving an Affair.

I think the best way to coordinate your plan B and these exposures is to call the OWH today and get his feedback. Compare notes with him and tell him everything you know about the affair.

Then, after you go dark in Plan B, do these other exposures. That way, the affairees will have each other to love bust.

Tami,

You are getting some great advice from ML IMHO. Heed it.

I'll answer your specific questions:

'But what can I do if he's just there waiting?'

Walk past him as though his not there and shut the door. Just like ML said. As far as you're concerned, he simply isn't there until he meets the conditions for him to return. If you get major hassle from him, just call the police and tell them he's harassing you - that is what he's doing now in case you don't realise it.

'What do you think I should do?'

If the kids want to volunteer stuff, listen and help if they need advice but don't be any more interested than that. Don't ask about him. As I've said before, anyone else you can just say you don't want to hear about him.

Look, I agree, going to Plan B is scary but what you are doing now is even scarier. If you don't put a stop to it soon, you will end up being a basket case.

You will be amazed at how quickly the chaos disappears once you do this.

Yes, you will still miss him. Yes you will still think about him lots. Yes you will still feel sad. But it does get better slowly once you are insulated from the daily drama.

You don't deserve all this and it's within your power to end it.

From what you say there is nothing stopping you doing that is there?

So why not get on with it right now?

Tami,

I agree with Principled. The kids just need to be told why you are doing this, to preserve the love you still have for him, so that if he gets his head out of you know where, you can still be there to work on the M. The kids will get that you need this time for peace. It will be okay for them, you are NOT deserting them, they are old enough to understand this.

(((Tami))

Fled

ML,

I'm confused...how am I love busting?<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Tami

Hi all,

I just got off the phone with OWH, we talked for about hour. HOLY COW, after talking to him I can say that I HATE OW. He is working almost 80 hours a week and he's giving her $800 a month to live on while he's bearly getting by. He does have the kids fulltime, she gets them on her days off. But she just got a new position (same place as WH-now more in his dept.) where she can work 40hrs a week during the day and can have the kids at night. OWH works crack of dawn til 5-6pm. She's moving into a 3 bebroom apt.that he's footing the bill. He says it's because he doesn't want his kids to be staying in a dump...but I'm sure she's manupilating him. Sad part is he know it too but feels like he doesn't have any options. She has totally deflated him...took out his spine and balls in one swoop. I hate this is happening to him...he's a really nice guy. I thought my H was an alien but compare to what she is doing to her H...WOW!

I told him as much as I could about trying to step back from all this and to stop enabling the A...but she's got him by the short hairs. I'm not sure we will talk again, I think that I'm a little too hardcore for him right now...compare to him I'm a lot further along.

Everything I was thinking about the OW--her being a skank, liar, cheap and just a all around piece of poop--was confirmed. You would like think that the OP is all that, but you wonder if maybe OP has these wonderful qualities (much better then yours) that may have caused WS to wander. If WH wants that--then maybe there isn't a future for us.

I gently urged him to get a plan in place...he says he doesn't have the time...I told to make time...there is only so long you can do this before you break...then what good will you be for your kids? Look at the big picture...if the A ends...do you really think she's coming back? Why would she...you are taking care of her "the way she is accustomed to" (her words to him). Did I say I HATE this THING (I can't even call her a person--that would be an insult to the rest of us)!

This really pisses me off, he's such a great guy...and loves her so much...and she's just walking all over him. What's worse he's letting her. I don't know who's head I want to smack...I'm thinking hers...really hard.

You know something, I was all worried about WH spending time w/OW--but after talking w/OWH and the mess they are in, I suddently don't feel as worried. I'm sure they are spending time together...WH has to see what kind of person she is by now-I hope so cause she's gona drain him dry.

I had thought talking w/OWH would put me in a bad place but it has had the oppisite affect...I have more of resolve to better myself. And if in doing this, my M recovers then great but it's no longer is my main focus.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions that I can pass on to OWH...or should I just stay out of it? I am going to tell him to come to this haven..maybe someone here can knock sense into him.

This just blows my mind! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Tami

It's been a little while since I last posted. I've been a busy beaver these last couple of weeks. I exposed the A to WH mother, that was the hardest thing I had to do so far. She was so upset, she couldn't stop crying..which made me cry. She kept saying "What is he doing? I can't believe that he would do this". It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Then I spoke to my other SIL and told her everything but MIL had already called her. She said she's not ever heard her mother sound so depressed. They are so baffled by his behavior...they all say this would be the last thing they would ever expect him to do.

Their next concern was for me and the kids. MIL said she was going to talk w/WH and try to find out what is going on. I told her the WH is very confused and don't have a clue what he wants. Only what he doesn't want....me. She told me that OW will NEVER be welcome to her home and this will NEVER be okay. She reassured me that as far as she is concerned I'm the only DIL she will ever have. I was so glad to hear this b/c I wasn't sure where I stand. This whole mess has made me question my place....his family is the only family I have had for the last 20 years. I was preparing to hear that they would support him. Silly I know but everything that I know/knew has changed.

MIL talked to WH last week. She called just confused as heck, she said she has no idea who she just talked to. He is a mess..told her he wants to come home, that he miss his family, wife and the life he had before all this crap started. She asked what he was willing to do to fix it...go to MC? Change job? He told her that he is "too confused" to know what would be the best thing to do. He said if he could just talk to me like normal...not talk about M..b/c I'm his best friend the only one he can talk to. She told him he's full of crap, if getting back his family and life was that important to him then he would have to be willing to do anything/everything in his power to make it happen. He told her that he just isn't sure what he wants anymore. He told her that he doesn't have sexual feelings for me and that it was an important issue for him. She told him that he's been using that excuse for so long to justify his actions that he doesn't know the different of what is real and what is fantasy. She mommy whipped his butt. I don't know if it will do anything but even if our M doesn't recover....I love him enough to want him to be better then he is...for his sake and for our children's sake.

Another thing MIL and SIL said was that when they talk to him, it's like talking to someone else. They want to believe what he is saying but somehow what is coming out of his mouth doesn't match his actions. I said that's why I don't talk to him, it's too painful to get my hopes up then see that it's just more crap.

I know that Plan B consist of no contact w/WH even 2nd hand. But to be honest, I no longer feel like this M will work out. Too much has happened and he's just not willing to do his part. Since he's been gone, I have slowly worked at getting myself back. I have a new routine that doesn't like involve him anymore.

Now I don't know what to do. No matter my bravo, I still have a small glimmer of hope that we will work out. But I just don't know what "work out" means anymore. I guess I'm just as confused about my feelings/thoughts as he is.

Any comment, insight, thoughts will be welcomed.
Tami

Hi Tami,

I just went into Plan B almost two weeks ago. Please keep posting as I sense there is so many similar feelings and I am not sure what they are. Your words bring me comfort in that what I am feeling isn't nuts.

It's a scary place to be in for us right now, I sense? But really don't know.

Thanks Queenie--I just read your last post, it brought me comfort also. This is the hardest part of plan b. It's not so much for yourself but to see someone you love/care for so much just keep making the wrong choices and become a shell of a person you knew. You just want WS to just DO something! But then you fear what boneheaded thing they will do.

I know what you mean, it's difficult to know exactly what you are feeling. There's many questions and so few answers.

Thanks again for your post, I hope to keep hearing from you. It is a comfort to know that you are not in the darkness completely alone.

I'll check out your posts and add you to my pray list.
Tami

Tami,

I'm glad you finally exposed to his family. You know the answer and so does he. He changes jobs, has NC ever again, gets into counseling, and then.......


Keep on taking care of yourself!!

Today is dday times three years. I have done very well, know it all day, but haven't cried or thought about it. I know that I am different now, that many things have changed. I don't think I'm done with this journey (which I wouldn't recommend to anyone:) ) but I am in a much better place now than a year ago. FWH is really doing everything he can right, but I haven't moved forward enough yet, maybe never.
I quit coming here because the stories from everyone seemed to bring me down to much, after they helped me so much (weird, i know). Now I spend more time with others with the same consequences, and how they are dealing with the OC issues.

Remember, one day at a time, and keep breathing

Fled

Hey Fled,

It's nice to hear from you. I think no matter where you are in your recovery...this tears something out of you...it's like you
can't find that innocence anymore. But from what I've read, it does get easier. I am glad you are in a better place, I wish I can give you more substantial support. I think about you often and what you are going thru,though I have not experienced it...I hope that you are doing well.

I have given up on my husband...my marriage...he has made his choice by not making any choice at all. He is still in the same place as he was the day he told me about the affair. I just don't understand it...how can you not know what's important to you...how do you say that me and kids are most the important people in the world to you..that you love us more then life. BUT still not making some kind of effort to change things.

I'm so tired of hoping, wishing, praying...my heart breaks over and over. I have not talked to him and most days I don't even think about him anymore. Maybe I am sad cause our anniversary is at the end of the month or that I will be going on "our" anniversary trip in May w/o him.

Just a little blue and a lot lonely...it's that "time" of the month!

I've been kicking around the idea of going back to school for surgical tech. I've always wanted to do that but there were never time or money. I got to observe a surgery that my doctor did, and I thought...I could totally do this.

It was a turning point in my self realization that my life isn't over...it's just been altered. And WH isn't a part of that future. I decided that if he is still in the same place when I come back from my trip..then it's time to move on.

I really don't know if I can ever get over the fact that he thinks/feels so little for me and the kids that he couldn't even try to work on our M. I just don't think I can get over that.

My son got a part time job at the same place WH works (yeah, skanky works there still). Son says that OW is always smiling at him...like she wants to talk to him. he finally told her that he will be civil to her but.."Don't talk to me, smile at me or look at me. There is not anything you can say or do to ever make this okay. YOU will never even come close to being in the same class as my mom even on your best day and my mom at her worst." He's a good boy!! The bright side is that he is making money of his own and he feels like he can lessen the burden on me. Since WH left, son feel like he has to be the "man" of the house...I told him that I don't need a man, I just need him to be himself. He just wants to help. But I'm keeping an eye on him.

Oh how was spring break w/your son? I hope it was wonderful!

Take Care...I'm breathing!
Tami

Don't you just want to hug the daylights out of the boys of ours??

I think the surgical tech would be awesome if you enjoyed. Finding something that requires your energy and attention while you heal and grow. I love the OR. Most the time its lots of fun, except when certain surgeons get going.

I'm sorry that things haven't gotten better, but you can pat DS and the back for being so great!. We are headed to dive for a week. Then I'm hoping to come home to a sold house, no luck yet. We will be moving the end of May and the new job starts the first of June. I can't wait, I am so sick of always being on call. Worked all day yesterday from 7am until 10 pm. On call all night and worked this morning until noon.

Take care, I'll drop in after I go get that tan

Fled