My husband is friends with a female coworker that is 16 yrs younger then him. At first, we hung out with her and her husband a few times and things were good. Then about 3 months ago, they split up and since then she has been calling my husband to talk about that and other problems she has. I was sympathetic at first but after it starting becoming an everyday, every night, several hours at a time thing, I told him that things needed to chill out between them. He tells me that he feels like she is his younger sister and he wants to help her and that I just don't trust him. It's not that I don't trust him, but I don't understand how they have so much to talk about and what they could possibly have in common. To top it off, yesterday he came home from work with a tie she had bought him. When I asked why she did that, he said that she told him she was in the store and saw it and just thought of him so she got it for him. I got upset and of course we ended up fighting the rest of the night. He says that she was just being nice and that I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. I just don't think it's appropriate. Am I wrong? How do I get him to understand how I feel without him getting upset and feeling like I'm trying to "Control" him as he likes to say??

I would say you are NOT overreacting. Sounds to me like this woman is no friend of the marriage.

If he talks to her every night, for hours, that is way too much. Sounds like it's taking time away from you.

Every behavior has a payoff. Men often like to be the hero. Men like to be admired. Is she admiring him? Telling him he is wonderful?

When he tells you that you don't trust him, I think he's saying, "Look, I can handle this, it won't get out of hand." If he spends hours a week talking to her, it has gotten out of hand. I think that he sees this relationship differently from both you and the OW.

I would INSIST that he spend time with YOU. If you have his undivided attention, he is not talking with her. YOU have the right to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with him. It may sound devious, but all you are doing is stepping up for what is yours.

Surely, if he rebuffs you to talk to her, he should be able to see how toxic the OW is.

It is way out of control. That doesn't mean your H is instigating, but it's only human to love to have someone 'need' you like this woman is doing to him. Think of the Sirens, who called out to men on the ships, and they just couldn't help jumping overboard to be with those women. He may have no intention of falling for her, but her vulnerability, over a period of time, will erode all his defenses.

As his wife, you have the right to show him this and expect him to choose his family over her needs. Surely she has friends or family who can be helping her? Maybe she developed a crush on your H awhile back, and that might have contributed to her marriage's downfall? Even if not, it's not right to be seeking help from him.

Somewhere on these pages, there is text directly about this issue. About someone at a weak point, coming to someone in a marriage for support, and that married person being sucked in. I'd see if I could find it, if I were you, and print it out and give it to him. Does anyone else know where it is?