I would at least ask him what they did during their secret meetings. My ex and his OW liked to meet at motels to "talk".

By the way, is the OW married?

Not sure why you are being sarcastic, M. Of course I am "bothered" by the EA! lol. We are making plans to move--it is contingent on both of us finding jobs in the same city. Of course, it can take some time for that to happen. Until then, it is imperative that he attend these funtions. It is a part of his job. I can't really think of a way around it right now, unfortunately.

I guess if some men (and ergo, possibly my man) will go back to their lovers even after years of "happy marriage," and if such men will get back with their affair partners even when all possible proactive measures have been taken by the BS to protect the marriage and ensure NC, then I'm probably dead in the water. As Yogi Berra said, "if someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't stop them." That said, I'll certainly do my part to put healthy boundaries down. H knows what I will and will not tolerate. I looked him dead in the eye and said this can't happen again, and that if it did, i would not think twice about leaving.

You can only control yourself, yes.

But that means if someone in your life is making choices that are damaging - even potentially catastrophic - to you, you have the right and the obligation to protect yourself from having that person around you.

That is what enforcing a boundary is. Not making someone else bend to your will, but choosing to surround yourself only with people who are not intent on harming you.

Until there is total NC, there cannot be a recovery.

I wish I could spare you the pain that is sure to follow if this dynamic doesn't change. You have a lot of power, if you will choose to use it.

All the best.

Yes, she is married with kids. H was godfather to her child.

Have you told her hubby that she has been meeting your husband secretly, but they claim it is only an EA?

You are allowing him to stand right next to you with banana peels strapped to both feet, and telling him, "If you fall, I'm leaving you."

Of course he is going to fall.

Boundaries are about telling him, "If you want to stand next to me, you've got to lose the banana peels. If the banana peels are more important, then whatever, but you can't be beside me."

If you stay in a situation where you know he's likely to (going to) fail, telling him that if he fails you're leaving, it places a limit on the value of the marriage to you. I don't understand the reasoning behind this.

I think Mel's point was, if you were truly bothered by it, you would do everything you can to stop it. FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT is NO CONTACT. That is more important than any other excuse you can come up with as to why he stills needs to see his affair partner on occasion.

I asked him--I actually typed up a loooong list of questions that I felt I had a right to answers to. That was one of them, of course. H said that they would meet to talk about life, work, her problems in her M (NOT appropriate!). H said that he never talked about our M to her. Not sure if that's true or not. According to H they met in public (the mall, restaurants, etc.). I saw the text messages when they arraged to meet, and they bear this out as true.

Be sure to contact your hubby. It just smells fishy that they were secretly meeting and claim there was no PA. But, oh, he was thinking of having a PA with a different woman who he was not meeting secretly. It doesn't make any sense.

Too funny...

tell your H you want him to take a polygraph exam. Watch his face...and then wait for the truth to start coming out. They ALL tell the same stupid lies. If it wasn't so sad, it would be comical.

On the contrary, it valorizes the marriage, and grows out of my respect for and definition of it. I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't say for sure whether he will fall or not. If he does, then that's his choice. But then he will have to live with the consequences of that choice, as will I. We're at a real fork in the road, that's for sure. I feel that I've done what I can to protect my M (through NC letter, plans for moving being put into motion, total transparency with email accounts, texts, etc), but ultimately he needs to decide whether it's worth it to stay with me. And really, even if I tell him "You're not allowed to go to any more work functions," who's to say this won't prevent him taking up with someone else in our new state? He's going to have to do the hard work of soul-searching and deciding what he wants: M and me, or "freedom" and not-me. That has to come from his own heart, or not at all.

Hmmm, has anyone on this site asked this of their spouse, or even gone through with it? I'd be interested in hearing about their experiences.

You are going to learn this the hard way editrix, and that is sad.

There is one consistent message here, and that is that you will need NC for your M to heal. PA, EA, whatever, (you are probably being lied to though, regardless of your "instincts") your H will always be vulnerable to this person and the only way for him to "get over" her will be to not see or speak to her, EVER again.

You might be in the very small percentage where NC isn't required, that percentage must exist right (not according to Dr. Harley)? Why are you willing to gamble on that is a question you should think about.

Not "You're not allowed to go to any more work functions." That would be an attempt to control him.

"When you want to be a part of my life, let me know by ending all contact with the OW" is a boundary.

Nobody can make you do this, or even make you want it, but we want to spare you further pain, and another betrayal that is nearly sure to happen.

yes and 100% of the people that have taken the polygraph have been holding on to lies. Having a WS take a polygraph is the BEST thing in my mind. It clears the table of all lies and allows the BS to KNOW they have the truth. It also allows a WS that has been having trouble getting to the truth to finally get that monkey off their back.

100%.

Can't argue with that!

Correct me if I"m wrong, but this sounds alot like taking responsibility for someone else's bad choices. If I fell asleep on a park bench and was raped, would that be my fault? Would the perptrator be any less culpable for the crime? I would be guilty of being stupid and reckless, maybe, but my fault? I don't think so...

I liken it more to Russian Roulette. You have been warned that the gun is loaded...yet you still pull the trigger. Sleeping on a park bench does not even compute. I have seen hundreds of people asleep on park benches...VERY, VERY FEW would ever be raped.

I have NEVER seen a WS end an affair while still allowing contact. Not once.

BTDT, pre-MB.

Didn't work.

Thank you, MEDC--this may be something I will have to consider. *sigh* Of course, asking your S to take a polygraph really changes the marriage dynamic, doesn't it? Now it's "inquisitor" and "criminal"...not "W" and "H"...seems as though I am between the devil and the deep blue sea in this one...