A friend directed me here. I just joined and I'm looking for help. Purchased surving an affair today, but things have already progressed quite a bit.
I have been with my GF for 12 years. She has 2 children we have raised.
I found out about affair 1/17 when I came home from a business trip. Said she loved me but wasn't in love with me and she was going to pursue this relationship.

The entire family knows and condems it but every night for 6 weeks, she would come home, shower, and make herself pretty then go spend the night with him. I tried what I have found out is plan A, but I couldn't take it so I told her to leave (plan B), but that I loved her and wanted to work this out.

She moved out 3/1. Son said he wanted to stay because what she was doing was wrong and he didn't want to meet him or know him.

Daughter says he is a creep but wants to stay on her mom's good side.

I can provide more details but don't want the post to be too long.
I guess I moved too fast, but what do I do now?

Are either of the kids yours?

If not, I say count your blessings that you found this out now and walk away.

I am sorry for your pain...but unless you have kids together or are married, I do not see any reason to stay with a liar and cheater that would treat you in such a disrespectful way.

Ugh Six weeks of emotional abuse, eh? IMO, walk away - don't that her steal any more years of your life. Even if by some miracle she comes back to you, the memory of that will haunt you for a long, long while.

I say if you've raised the kids together and been together for that long... they probably have just as much time, energy emotion invested in the relationship as a couple who is married. Follow Plan B like a married person would. Keep the boy with you if it's possible. And if the guys a creep as the girl says, find out what she means by that. Hopefully she isn't in any sort of "danger." And if he's just a normal creep, keep the door ajar for your GF to come back. Good luck, this kind of thing is the PITTS!

Let me expand a little on my previous post. While we are not married I don't see the difference between a 12 year marriage and a relationship other than the legal commitment and it appears others in worse situations are being advised that the relationship is worth saving. The two children are hers but I raised them as my own.

I love her and want to guide her back to what we had before all of this and make it better than it was before. She appears to be in the middle of a MLC. Her kids have been a challenge to raise and I think it has crushed her dreams for them. This caused us difficulties in our relationship and we grew distant. But I think it is worth saving!

We actually did have a few days together going to her daughters wedding. A wedding she thinks is a mistake. We talked for 700 miles going and coming. She said that with my understanding of what has been lacking she could have everything she wanted, but she doesn't want it right now.

She is in the fog I have seen described in other posts. I want to try and work this out. She asks her sisters and kids about me. The guy was a friend of hers that she poured her troubles out to and then he took advantage of them.

Almost all of what she has said is what others have said their spouses have said. There has to be a way! While this has destroyed me, she has been the love of my life and I am seeking ways to bring her back, because up until now, she has been a great woman. She is worth saving! Please help!

Why aren't you married????? Maybe you don't see the difference but she does??? Has she mentioned wanting to get married in the past???? Is it you that doesn't want to be married????

This may be a bigger issue than you think...

not2fun

Do you see the difference between renting a house and buying a house?

She hasn't been gone as long as some of our WS's, so don't dispair. Keep plan Aing as much as possible. That's good that she said what she did on the long trip. Give the OM a chance to LB her, while you do the best to convince her back home is where she belongs.

You are right. It is a big issue. I asked her to marry 2 years ago and gave her a ring, but nothing happened. I asked her to set a date last September and she said January. She told me afterwards that she was waiting for me to show additional commitment, but I didn't follow up. She now says she believes I want to get married. Obviously I have a problem there and have set an appointment with a counselor. I am not clean in this, but I still think there is hope. She is already complaining about him smothering her and sending text messages every 5 minutes. I made a big mistake not marrying her and I know that now. Until I went dark she kept saying that he would marry her tomorrow and I wouldn't for 12 years. There is still love on her part and obviously on mine. I am doing all I can to learn about what has happened and how I can improve. You guys seem to be able to guide us new folks through the storm. She doesn't love him, it's almost like she is punishing me for not making the commitment. The truth may be painful, but nothing like the last 2 months! Any assistance is appreciated.

Yes. I see the point. I was married once before and she cheated on me. Maybe that is my blockage to marriage. She is doing some bad things right now, but she is a wonderful person up til now. I need a strategy to bring her back. I want to be married. I didn't realize that until this started.

I don't understand some of the acronyms, but I get the gist. Unfortunately I made her move out thinking she was walking all over me and that maybe once out, she would start to see all that I bring to the table that he will not.

ahhhhh, so maybe she wants a BUYER instead of a renter? If that is the case, she may want you to fight for her and show that you are willing to make a committment.


You don't need to go to a "counselor;" you just need to show her you are willing to marry her. She may have wakened up and realized she preferred a BUYER.

One nice thing is that you don't need to know what the "blockage" is to solve this. You can make a decision to get married. The blockage can be removed with ACTION.

I wouldnt try to get her to move back until you marry her because you don't want to have the OLD relationship. The OLD relationship was not a committment and only cemented some bad traits. If you live together again, I would suggest doing it on a completely different basis. A MARRIED basis where you are both committed.

This article might help you see the difference between marriage and living together, and trust me, there is a world of difference: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html

I was fighting for her. We talked quite a bit at first. I told her how I felt and how much I love her. I wrote her letters that she said were beautiful, but she was already caught up with this guy. I WANT TO MARRY HER! The pain of watching her go to him every night was so painful that I said I loved her but she had to go. So I guess I'm in plan B. I don't know if it is too late to go back to plan A. That is what brought me here. What can I do? I realize my mistakes, but I have been with her through thick and thin. This guy is exciting and fresh, but no history. There has to be a way!

Who is this guy? Is he married? What does he do?

She went to high school with her 25 years ago. They have been friends on and off since then. Don't even know his last name. He has been divorced twice. Has two children ages 14 and 15, but only the 15 year old lives with him. Already says that she can't go 7 days without him. This is due to the son saying he won't meet him. She has tried to introduce him to the family without much success. I don't know what he does for a living. Can you go back from plan B to plan A. I am still fighting for her but she has closed communication with the family.

The boy is staying with me. She didn't expect that and has tried to get him to move in with her. Plan B is so drastic. How do I keep the door open if I'm supposed to go dark?

rockfish, I would go back to Plan A and try and woo her back. And this time ask her to marry you before you live together. Start all over again on a different foundation.

Mel, I am confused as you always offer advice for a non married person to walk away from a person that cheated on them. Couple her cheating with her leaving her child and going to shack up elsewhere. Even though this man has helped raise these children...she still left her child.

I understand the logic...but it is NOT the time to be asking a woman to get married...she is cheating with another man...that deserves a reply that does not involve a wedding ring at this time.

MEDC, the only reason I am not telling him to run is because he has been living with her for 12 years. It's not like they were committed - they were NOT - but its also not like a DATING situation where this has been a TEST.

I heard Dr Harley tell such a couple once to SEPARATE and start over on healthier basis with the help of counseling. IF that worked out, they could get married and THEN live together.