Beautifully said, Neak, especially this...

Neak, thank you. His healing has been a gift. And so are all the friends I have found here, that I have no doubt. This thread hit a heart string. I found myself responding with tears in my eyes, something I haven't done in awhile. The pain here is palpable, particularly your story...(((Neak)))

We shall overcome.

Unless something terrible happens to my daughter, nothing could ever touch it.

It has even taken from me the ability to truly grieve my mother’s death. She died a few weeks before D-day and it seemed to be the event that launched the emotional adultery to a physical adultery. I was the probate representative and Wayzilla pushed hard for me to get my mother’s cash and investments into our joint accounts. And then came D-day. In the end per her plan, she took half of my mother’s inheritance. Selfish and entitled. Now the passing of my mother seems permanently attached, tainted and stained by my XWW’s pigsty adultery.

But….I am now a far stronger, far wiser, more compassionate man and father than I have ever been or perhaps could ever have been. It is truly the ultimate trial by fire.

I have to say that there are a few posts on this thread that bother me...while infidelity is worse that anything I have ever experienced..including traumatic injuries, sexual abuse, physical abuse...I would NEVER suggest that infidelity is worse than my child getting assaulted. IMHO, there is nothing in the world that comes before your children...nothing. If I could stop my child from being sexually assaulted I would endure the pain of infidelity every single day of my life.

...witnessing one of my children seriously injured in a major accident

...getting a call at work from my W one morning that a man had broken into our home and assaulted her in front of our children

...the first time I was betrayed, because this time my choice to continue the relationship after the first betrayal eventually led to even worse betrayal by the same person years later. At 43, M'd with 2 children and lots of joint property, the choices open to me are very different than they were when I was 25 and single and everything I owned was my own.

* than when I lost everything in a freak flood and had to start over.

* than when I got shot a week after D-day.

* than when my nephew was killed on the 4 wheeler on Thanksgiving.

* than when my mother beat me into a coma when I was 7.

anything I have ever experienced in my life.

I have never in my life felt such pain and confusion. All of my beliefs and the way I looked at life before D-day has all changed.

I agree with MEDC that "If I could stop my child from being sexually assaulted I would endure the pain of infidelity every single day of my life." That being said I think many people underestimate the impact that being molested has on a child, even when it has happened to them personally. I am 38 and just this past year started to see how being molested has altered my behavior as a mother and a wife. It changed my beliefs and the way I look at life just as dramatically as being a BS did. It just happened a long time ago, so the wound is not fresh, and it took years for me to come to terms with just how much it affected me.

While I agree with MEDC, I have to qualify that a bit. I DO endure the pain of infidelity every single day of my life. It doesn't go away, I just become more and more accustomed to it. If there was a way to know that this pain I bear somehow saved a child, particularly my child from molestation, it would actually lessen it a bit. As it is, I suffer this for no reason at all and that in itself is painful.

I've got to say I completely agree. Are there people actually saying given the two options of;
1) have your young children molested or abused.
2) deal with infidelity

That they would actually choose 1 over 2? Maybe I'm not reading it right and misunderstanding. But tell me that's not the case.

I'm a better man now than I was before WW's "A". Did it hurt? yes. Do I still suffer some frustration over it? sure. But my self worth and happiness are not based on someone else. Especially someone who acts so selfishly. I'm fine on my own (if that's the end result) and will raise my children to be better than WW.

I read some of the statements in this thread and seriously consider how much MB is helping these people if they think dealing with infidelity is the end of the world and the worst possible thing one could experience.

I realize my opinions may not be real popular here but I just don't get it. Tell me I'm wrong in thinking people would put there own emotional well being (as mature adults) over that of their young impressionable children!

And if dealing with an affair has shaken "every belief I've ever had". I suggest questioning what your beliefs have been.

To quote my brother.
"there is no hope in people, there is only hope in god"

"I do not have faith in anyone, my faith is reserved for Jesus Christ our lord"

To put hope and faith in people means that we will eventually be disappointed. When people disappoint me I will forgive and move on knowing that God has a plan that I may not be able to see myself.

MEDC, it isn't that I wouldn't suffer the pain of infidelity if it would keep my children from being molested.

But the pain I went through at having them molested, the price of ceaseless vigilance and never letting them around these children - our family members - without direct supervision, is not worse than what I experienced at the hand of my husband. It affects my life every day, and has for the past 7 years, but still was not worse for me than his deep betrayal.

IMO, you're talking apples and oranges. I would suffer any pain to protect my children, but what we went through as a family was/is small compared to what I went through as a BW.

Sorry if that disturbs you, but what I said is about my pain as it relates to the events of my life, and is a completely separate subject from my children's pain.

By the same sort of reasoning, Lady Clueless and I would be saying we would rather have our children die than suffer infidelity again.

That is just not logical. It also does not seem hard to understand clearly what is meant.

Do I need to point out that Lady C and I were NOT saying we would rather have our children die than be betrayed?

Just in case...


We weren't!

FormerPF,
I don't people are saying given the two options they would pick 1 over 2. I think what they are saying is that unfortunately they have had both occur in their lives and they think being a BS hurt more.

The point I was trying to make is that if they feel that way then maybe they don't fully understand the affect being molested has on a child. It changes that childs beliefs and affects them in ways they may never realize.

For me, I became such a controlling mother that I had extreme anxiety if my child was out of my sight. This put a huge strain on my marriage and on my childs development. Fortunately this past year I have started to deal with this and am finally beginning to heal from being molested over 30 years ago. See being molested you carry the pain with you everyday for life, it just gets blurred and you don't realize the source of your messed up thoughts.
Victoria

And another hug to MicheleG. {{{Michele}}}

Lady C's post about her children helped a FWS to begin to understand the pain he had caused his wife. It is my hope that this thread can also be a helpful tool in showing them where, on the Pain-o-meter, they put their spouse.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Something DID hurt worse than the betrayal from my wife.

The betrayal from my church family that turned me into the pariah that I am today.

What a strange thing, to tell people they are obligated to feel more hurt by X than by Y.

It is a true master who can adjust the amount he suffers based on a moral judgment.

GC

I think that is kind of an obvious statement. I never suggested otherwise.

Sorry if my being bothered by a few statements on here has bothered you. While i can imagine greater pains than the death of a child or infidelity...I find it hard to believe that anything could impact me more than knowing my child was sexually assaulted.

We don't have to agree on this. I offered my opinion and view.

I understand where you are coming from.

Yes, i agree that would be a strange thing to do. Who did that? I will give them helll. See, offering your opinion about things is not telling someone else what their obligations are....oh, IF I could only have that power.

I said it was strange, not that you couldn't do it. I'm not going to bully anybody.