Post deleted by Hopeful808

I'm the WS and even though I'm on the opposite end of things from you, I think I might be able to help just a little.

My H does everything he can to fulfill my EN's. At times, that means going the extra mile, I do the same for him. Don't give your H a compliment just because he's done something nice for you. Show him that you love him through all of this. Give a little extra, even when you don't feel like it. Whatever happened in your M, you're both going to need to work to repair it. Tell him you love him, out of the blue, don't wait for him to say it first. Offer a massage after he gets home from work, make his favorite meal. Tell him you're thinking of him. Let him know how you feel. I'm going to guess that he doesn't want you to just bake cookies for the office, I'm going to guess that he needs you to need him. Make sense?

I'm not sure what your story is, it appears as though this is your first post. Hope I've been able to help a little.

Hello Hopeful808,

We have very little about your situation to go on, except that he tells you that your baking makes him proud of you.

I don't think his need for admiration is the same as the need to be proud of you. They are two different needs.

One of the needs listed in His Needs, Her Needs is an 'Attractive Spouse'. Could it be that? Is it that you don't provide enough domestic support in his eyes?

The point is that guessing is fruitless. It's what would make him proud that matters. It could be anything but you need to know what it is from him. Baking is at surface of something deeper. It's just one example of a way he can be proud of you.

'So, what's WH's problem? Not like I don't do anything in our M.'

Well that's the whole point. His problem seems to be that you aren't fulfilling his emotional needs and worse, you don't understand what they are.

You might be doing plenty. Plenty that you think you deserve to get credit for but it might be plenty of the wrong thing for him. No matter how ridiculous you think his needs are, he has them all the same and they are likely different from what you need from him.

You are lucky he has begun to articulate his EN's to you. It might be a good idea for you to get him to explain them to you further without judging or trying to defend yourself. That will shut him up quicker than you can imagine.

You may feel outraged when he tells you. Feel like he has no right to expect what he does. Try to stow it. Anger will shut him up even faster.

No matter how well you think you have done in fulfilling his needs, it's what he thinks that counts. Just finding out what he is looking for in a non-confrontational or defensive way will in itself make him think you love him. Acting differently in response to what he says will have an even more profound effect afterwards.

That's not to say that you should do anything you are unwilling to do (Policy of Joint Agreement).

You should also expect reciprocal behaviour from him.

All that said, if you are a BS who has recently found out, you have to be wary of the fog and different rules apply.

Tell us more about your situation and we may be able to help.