Do y'all feel that this holds you back from doing what you really maybe should do- or want to do?

For instance, I cannot get it out of my head that I would be better off divorced. BUT- 3 children, one on the way, unstable job situation, knowing he'd abandon the children in all but minimal child support, having already btdt with a different H...

This all stops me. It stopped me last time too, until XH divorced me. I feel like that is what will happen this time too- I'll be terrible to live with because I really don't want to be here....

And then there are days I DO want to be there and try.....

Like Bob Pure once posted to me....

What would I do if I were not afraid?

HTH

What would I do if I were not afraid?
****************************

or if money was not an issue?
Would you stay and try then?

What How do you fel on the days you DO want to be there?

FEAR can be crippling. You can literally lose years of your life because of it. When you look back on your life, you don't want to see choices made out of fear, but healthy choices made that are best for you and your family...You can't get the time that is lost back once it is gone...In our society money is often seen as being most valuable, and time is not always seen that way, but you can't get it back once its gone.
Life is too short and precious to spend it in fear.

I don't know your sitch, however, what do you feel the healthiest choice would be at this time? Have you done all that you can do?

ETA: Also, have you considered IC?

My dad always told me that the middle ground was the worst place to be. Especially if you are stuck. He said, pick a direction and go for it. One way or the other as it is the only way to have your heart and passion in it. Then, you will be able live with yourself no matter what happens.

TJD, I like that. I've beeen stuck in the middle many times in my life. I think he's right.

howtoheal, What about formulating a plan. Maybe because of the reasons you mentioned it isn't the right time for divorce. How about if you work on getting back on your feet, and if things aren't better in 6 months or 1 year, then you go through with the divorce. Are there things you can do to improve your situation until then? Finding a job, or more stable job, etc?

Oh, DH says that if I don't change totally to his satifaction by the end of the month he's gone anyways and won't even bother with the children.

He told me our marriage was a house of cards that will completely be destroyed once I get a 9-5 job and won't be able to have sex 7 times a week. Right now I am commissined and can make my own schedule. He says I owe him. I am the FWW and it's been almost exactly 2 years- but he says I "screw" with him.

It looks like I can only have a marriage with this man if he can hold my EA over my head forever and I just let him.

So, FWW's, are you in the same place? TBH, I have changed and will never do anything like I did 2 years ago. However, he has not, and the circumstances of our marriage have not changed and I don't anticipate them changing. The only time he's nice to me is if we had SF the night before or if he thinks he'll "get some" that evening.

The only thing that is different is me- I will divorce him rather than do anything like I did before.

Since I'm a FWW, do I have to put up and shut up because I deserve this?

Oh, yah, IC or MC totally out of the picture, he will NOT allow it, says if I go by myself he'll file for D the next day. He does not want to be told that maybe there are things he should change.

I am really really really angry and not sure I want him as anything in my life. I really hate SF too, even though he is doing "things" for me now, which is a change. Who wants sf when it starts really really late, goes to 1 am and I have to get up at 5:30??????

HTH

I tend to agree. If a person stays "stuck" and does not ever make a decision to move in one direction or the other, sometimes they will stay in that "middle" ground perpetually contemplating a decision...forever. That is not healthy.

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I felt very sad reading about your situation. Did your husband treat you in this manner before you had the affair?

If we use our fear to learn about what we need to do, it can become our friend. I think fear and guilt are emotions that we should not discount. I totally understand your fear, having experienced something similar when I was much younger. Often what we know, even if it is bad, seems a better choice then the unknown. Embrace the fear, delve into it, and try to understand what it is telling you about yourself and what you need to do. Your higher self has the answers, but you have to seek. An exercise that has helped me in the past is to sit with a paper and pen, and close your eyes and become quiet. Formulate a question to yourself, say it out loud, then IMMEDIATELY open your eyes and write down the first thought that comes into your head. I was amazed the first time I tried this. Perhaps you will find it helpful too.

After reading what you have posted here, it sounds like both of you are caught in a dysfunctional cycle. You cheated on him, and of course you have to take full responsibility for that. You say you've changed, but he doesn't think you have. Was this man abusive/controlling before your A?

You say you have changed but he is saying he is leaving at the end of the month if you don't make more changes? He isn't willing to go to or allow you to go to IC or MC? You can't have a job?

It takes two people to make a marriage work...Without some counseling of some sort, I don't see how you can move forward.