My wife cheated on me. I am a torn man. It is something that I can't comprehend. I went to COSTCO with a friend to get some food for a little business meeting. My wife called me and told me another friend had stopped by I said Id be home soon. SHe gave me 4 calls in thirty minutes asking where i was at. When I came home one my friend was sitting on the couch. when the business meeting was over and the guest left my house, I went in the room to make love to my wife, I put my hand on her shoulder and she started freaking out. Thats when I noticed hicky marks on her chest and a bruise on her leg and her lips were chapped. I played it off and took of her panties and they were full of ***. SHe did some stop drop and roll **** and started yelling like I was committing domestic violence, I never touched her. I left the room and calmed down. I called the dude who was at the house with her he didnt answer so went to his house and socked him in the mouth as I stood over him ready to stomp his head.
Additional Details
He went to the emergency room at midnight and didn't press charges, he changed his number, I told his wife too since she called me form the emergency room. For a week a laid on the floor in a state of denial of how my wife cheatd on me in less than a year and a half of marraige. BUt she keeps denying that anything happened and drew this **** out for six days before admitting it. We talk about repairing things, but i know she is not being honest. She has changed her password to 1977islove. It use to be the pet name I gave her. NOw its the birth year of the dude she screwed on my couch. I catch her staring at it as if she is off in la la land. So now I have to thre throw couch out. Or should I throw hew out. But then I would face the world alone. I've been blatently disrespected in my own home and I can't calm down. She brought outside parties into this her family, friends and father making it seem like I'm lying. She was fake crying on the phone talking about she gonna kill herself.


At night she sleeps on a different side of the bed, curled up in a ball facing away from me. Every now and then she would flinch and kick her legs. Will I ever be able to get her back emotionally and physically or is all lost.

We went to couples counseling five days after this event the couselor cried when I explained this situation. My wife was just defensive trying to justify her actions.

On Friday she confessed and said she regretted it, no tears or anything. She just seems mad she got caught.
We stayed up to three in the morning arguing about this crap. NOW she says she didn't do it. Cause I told her I should tell all of her friends my side of events so they can see how big of a ****** she is. I always caught her looking at other men when walking down the street and called her out about it. I've assualted men before, but it never got to this level before. As I stood over that man ready to stomp his head in, I thought to myself why would I kill for someone who doesnt love me?

I am too embarrassed to tell my family and friends about this tragedy. When I look back on events in her life I connect the dots and it seemed like a left hook hit me in the face. A lot of her old female friends have accussed her of stuff like messing with boyfriends. I admit that in the past I use to do my thing but since I've been maried I've been faithful to her, we mutually read Playboy and watch porn. Its like she the ***** in black snake moan or something.
After I initially caught her:
She tries to cover the marks up with MAC liquid pump makeup thats invisible, I went in the kitchen and got a paper towel, wet it and wiped it across her chest and told her to stop playing games. I would never hit this woman so I storm out of the room. She said she is going in the kitchen to prepare one of those bourtolli frozen dinners. She comes back out in the living room and sat on the other couch and said, "I don't see no marks". Thats when I stood up and walked over to her and grabbed her.

Her chest and left hand were nearly frozen, I asked myself how dumb does she think I am.
After I beatup the dude and came home she gave me some of the sympathy sex..I took it as I was in denial that this happened, SO now I think I need to get an AIDS test.
The next day she was peeing way to frequently, twice an hour with great urgency. I noticed a mild burning sensation at the tip of my penis. I even had to pull the car over so she could piss at a Jack in the Box.
I don't want the town to see me as a laughing stock now. How do I keep from going of the deepend and forgive a manipulative biznitch with no remorse, sympathy. I told her don't you see the humiliation this puts me in. Our friends are well aware of it. neighbors walk the halls just to listen as she dissess me, saying: I don't love her or care about her life, haha..how she still has her friends...she even said "IT is what it is". HOw do I handle this without going insane?

I told her I was going to email this story to all of her friends. She got kind of worried and embarrassed. I sent her what I would have sent to them in a text message. Now she wants to go to get a polygraph, I said no way. Why would I pay $500 when I already now shes lying.
She know she messed up now she wanna stay, saying stuff like I don't want a divorce. I told her I can't love her with 100% of my heart anymore. She started crying I said what for, "She said thats what my dad said before he left my mom." "Oh thats why your sad because you are thinking about things in the past. Im talking about the present and the future." Whenever we talk of relationships she always tries to bring up something in her childhood as an excuse. How long will she deny this event ever took place?


Is she a psychopath?
Does this mean she is lying to protect him or because she wants to stay with me?

Now she is trying to strut around like nothing happened.
I keep having to tell her, "I see the bitemarks on your chest!"

What should I do? Stay or Go. I love her so much, but it is so hard to choose what to do. Please tell me what to do.



Is she lying because she wants to stay or is she planing to let this blow over and then leave later, to make it seem like I'm crazy. She has his bite marks on the center of her chest.



Turns out this incident f'd up my job performance. I may be on the chopping block. Life sucks. And I still don't know the truth about what happened. Any Suggestions?

I am sorry that you have to be here under these circumstances. I understand the raging emotions and hurt. You have come to a good place. There are many here that will be able to help you. I am the betrayed spouse and I have found great comfort in the few days that I have been posting here. I am new at this myself, I am still learning. I just wanted to let you know that someone is reading and cares. From what I have learned so far, It sounds like your wife is in "the fog"

What is the "fog". Please explain.

Not sure if it's ok to post links to other sites but I got this info off of another website.

WHAT IS THE FOG?
It is difficult to understand, and even moreso to get a grip onto the reality of it actually having happened to your WS/FWS.

There are some on the site who don't believe that it exists; in majority this is the group whose spouses have left them for the OP. Their POV is certainly understandable, given the fact that they've chosen to change their entire existence because of being in what we call the fog.

Most of the WS's on the site, however, agree that the fog is a very real place and state of mind.

There are three different kinds of "fog". WS fog, BS fog and OP fog.

THE WS FOG

The best way to describe the WS fog is to think of it as a type of being "brainwashed". The WS, when first involved in the A, feels complete thrill and excitement due to this sudden attention from someone new. It is a type of high that can only really be compared to a drug. The WS may feel "in love" with the OP, and the thrill to the WS is very real.

Soon he/she begins to convince themself that this A is good for them for whatever reason, in order to rationalize the guilty feelings that they feel. This is the beginning stages of "the fog". The WS may tell themselves that things have been bad in their M for a very long time, and the OP seems to be the only person who understands them. Many times, when a person is trying to rationalize something, they will tell themselves this rationalization over and over, causing them to actually believe what they are saying, whether it is real or not.

This constant inner dialogue of "The OP is the only one who understands me" and "Things are so bad in my M that I deserve some happiness with OP" causes them to lose all sense of what they used to know. They become psychologically addicted to the A, and need the constant high that it brings, many times with total disregard for the feelings of their confused BS.

After the A is found out by the BS, the WS very often has trouble giving up this fog. They may feel as if the OP is their soulmate, or that they have lost complete feelings for their BS, because they have now demonized their BS as someone who doesn't care for them anyway. When the A is found out, many times the A is still new to the WS, so those intense feelings only magnify for the WS. Feelings of "How dare you try to ruin my life?!" may surface for the WS towards the BS, because they have so completely brainwashed themselves. This is the WS fog.

HOW THE BS CAN DEAL WITH THE WS FOG

Dealing with a WS fog can be one of the most depressing and trying times in a BS's life. You are already dealing with the fact that your M has been polluted by an A, and now the person you married and thought you could trust has suddenly become some sort of pod person who seems to feel that their A is justified. Rest assured, IT IS NOT.

Although your WS is still in the fog, if he/she still loves you (and many times this will be followed with "but I'm no longer 'in love' with you") they may try to work things out. Both of you maintaining NC with the OP is essential to "wake up" your WS.

It is important that you sit down with your WS and have an adult, no screaming, taking turns conversation. Listen to the words that your WS is saying. Don't just listen so that you know what your next argument will be, but *really* listen. Some of what your WS says will be valid, and you have to accept that, although you were not the *cause* of their A, you did contribute to some of the problems in the marriage. Some of what your WS says will be completely the fog talking. This is no time for beating yourself up over "what you should have been doing". This is the time where you listen, figure out what you could do to improve the M, and what your WS needs to do (aside from maintaining NC and being an open book to you) to improve the M.

Validate your WS in the points that are accurate on your part as to not being the perfect spouse. However, hold fast to the inaccuracies that your WS points out, because as it happens so often in life, your WS may be projecting what he/she dislikes about him/herself onto you. Make a list of what your WS considers as marital problems, and down one side of the paper write what is accurate and down the other write what is inaccurate. You may be able to list examples of the inaccuracies that your WS has projected onto you about your WS!

Show your WS these examples and inaccuracies. It may not help right away, but it may just stick with your WS over time.

Most importantly, work on yourself to improve the M. In a best case scenario, your WS will see what a fool he/she has been, come 180 degrees out of the fog, and become remourseful, and will continue to work on the M all the rest of the days of their life.

THE OP FOG

The OP will occasionally experience a fog as well. Sometimes he/she had no idea that the WS was married, in which case it really was not their fault that an A took place. Usually, however, the OP knew full well what they were getting into. The OP fog consists of brainwashing themselves into believing that they have a chance at "true love" with the WS, and that he/she was sent to the WS to "rescue" him/her from "the big, bad BS". Unfortunately, not much can be done by the BS to get the OP out of his/her fog, but the one thing a BS can do is CONTROL YOURSELF. Do not give the OP any kind of satisfaction by letting him/her know that you are bothered by anything they do. Simply take the high road. As is said over and over on the site, the best revenge is living well.

THE BS FOG

The BS can also experience a fog of their own. We usually refer to this fog as "denial". This can be in reference to denial that the WS would ever have done something like this, so when you've caught the WS and the OP coming out of your bedroom together, of course your WS was just showing the OP a picture you've had on the wall in there for years. In basic terms, the BS is any kind of fog regarding the WS.

OVERCOMING THE BS FOG

Only you and your WS can help you to overcome your own fog. Denial is best overcome when you are slapped in the face with reality. As cliche' as it sounds, "the first step is admitting you have a problem." The BS fog is nowhere near as intense as the WS fog, and can much more easily be overcome. But, as with any problem, the solution lies only within you, yourself.

thanks tigerwife.

Your welcome.

any other tips?

this really sucks and have no clue what to do to pull my self out of this downward spiral.

Read everything that you can on this website. All the articles and the basic concepts. Also, try posting over in General questions II. It gets alot more traffic. You need to talk to some of the Vets around here who have been around a while and know their stuff. They can give you advice on what your next step should be.

thanks. ill copy my post over to there.

If you don't have any kids, you may want to just make a clean break from this woman, and pick someone better next time. It seems to me like she isn't the marrying type.

If you want more advice, I would repost this (minus some of the anger and cursing) on the General Questions II board as that board sees much more traffic.

Questions:

1. How long have you been involved with your WW?
2. How long have you been M'd to your WW?
3. Are there any children involved?
4. Do you own any joint property?

...and most important...

5. Do you want to recover your M, and why?

Realise that Love alone doesn't make an M. Trust and Commitment are also very important. IOW, you shouldn't want to stay M'd to someone simply because you love them. Being able to trust them and place confidence in their commitment towards the M are also very important. Love, Trust and Commitment appear to be all absent from your WW at the moment.