Unfortunately I was late to the MB principles so I've found out that I've made many mistakes.
The question is where do I go from here.

My entire story is linked at the bottom of my signature line if it would help to hear it all.
I no longer live in the same state as my WH. He took advantage of that by continuing his relationship with OW while telling me it was over and he wanted to try to make our marriage work.

After a surprise visit in January I found out about the continuing A. My WH professed his love for the OW but continued to tell me he loved me....he was just not in love with me (yes, I know this is typical have your cake response). OW got mad that WH stayed with me that night and she supposedly left him.

I got two versions of this story:

His- She said I don't want to see you or talk to you until you are divorced.

Hers- I told him we were through.

She used to work for him and still works for the same company. WH is supposedly trying to get a different position where he will have no contact with her. That has not happened yet, although I do know he has done many interviews. I've asked him to write a NC letter and he refuses saying that it will just open up a dialog between them that has been closed for the last month. He says it's over.... I'm not so sure because of the two very different versions of the break-up I've gotten. He also tells me there has been no contact other than being copied on work emails, but since 3 of the 4 folders in his briefcase were companies that were her assignments I have trouble believing that as well.

He tells me that he doesn't want to divorce. I asked him at my therapists suggestion, what would be the perfect marriage for him? His answer was that in a perfect world he wouldn't want to be married at all. However he had to consider the needs and feelings of everyone involved including our children and his family (M,S,B) who love me like their own and are actually closer to me than to him. (If this is true it is his own fault because he hasn't taken the time to have a relationship with them).

He says he spends so much time worrying about me and my physical and mental well being that he has come to realize he can't enjoy life on his own, even though that would be his preference. In other words he's playing the martyr.

Of course all of this hurts me deeply. I've always been a loving, caring wife that put his needs before my own and let him do whatever he wanted with no complaint (yes, I know...another mistake) so what was so horrible about our marriage that he would rather be by himself?

I'm not sure I truly buy that anyway because that's also what he told me after I found out about OW the 1st time...he just wanted to be by himself he didn't have the time or the energy for a relationship of any kind, blah, blah,blah. As I've pointed out to him that clearly wasn't true because he never left her and they had even talked about moving to another city together. He went to meet her family in Oregon for Pete's sake, of course not telling them he was married. That clearly doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship.

Also, when I found out about the OW the second time I took off my rings (wedding, engagement and anniversary), saying that if he was going to act like he wasn't married I should stop thinking of myself as married. I think that was another mistake since he agreed with me.
After his last visit, when he told me he didn't want a divorce, I asked him what I should do with my rings and he said I should just hold onto them like I've been doing.
That didn't sound like someone who was working on the marriage to me.
Let me also add that I wrote OW a very detailed letter telling her exactly what was going on behind her back with WH having it both ways and lying to both of us. I told her she deserved to now the truth and that I wish she had had the guts to do the same. WH knows this, wasn't happy about it but didn't throw a fit either.
So, what do I do?
Do I take what I can get at this point and try to make it work? Do I go to another plan B until he can meet my needs? Do I demand the NC letter, which would help me greatly, and I've told him as much, or just let sleeping dogs lie?
How do you work on a marriage long distance? Is it even worth it?

We are both seeing therapists individually but I would love to see a MC together again. He says he's not ready for that until he figures his own problems out.
We saw a mediator in January and I've signed all of the neccessary paperwork. He now refuses to do his part.

Terry, I just wanted to let you know I have read your story, and I care. I've not been here near as long as so many of the helpful vets you will find, so you will probably get more expert advice from them.

Is there a way you can edit your post to break it up into sections with a little space between? It might be easier to read. I know I'm sometimes intimidated by a first post which is long with no spaces, and others might feel the same.

He is spouting the same things they all do. He is rewriting the history of the marriage, and claims he wants to be "alone". That is what they all say.

You should be in Plan A, and work on getting him back home.

By the way, your link didn't work for me.

Terry

Ive read your story ( by the way your link is invalid) and first YOU MUST EXPOSE. It will kill the A.

People will start chiming in to give you direction on how to accomplish this.

Thank you for your suggestion. I hope the changes I made make it easier to read.
I realized last night the link doesn't work.
I've tried to fix it without success this morning,
I have a Dr' appointment I must get ready for so I'll try again this afternoon. As you can tell I'm not the most computer literate person in the world. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No one has any advice on how to accomplish this long distance?

I'm working on an exposure letter to his company as we speak.
The final straw for me was when he called me last night to tell me the last interview he had would be heading a very large and important account that would necessitate a transfer. He was extremely excited about the prospect and how well the interview went. He then told me the name of the account.....IT WAS ONE OF HERS!!!!

He didn't know that I knew that. He then told me that he didn't know what accounts she had because of a recent shake up. Funny, I knew because the list of all the major accounts and which account executives held them was in his briefcase. He swore he hadn't had time to look at them.
Last night he told me he went through with the interview just to "get his foot in the door".

I was dumbfounded. I told him there was no way he could take that job and continue in any sort of R with me.
He seemed miffed and said very defensively, what am I supposed to say when they offer me the job? I said that's not my problem. He kept repeating it, what do you want me to tell them, in a very agitated voice, over and over again.
I lost it. I told him it wasn''t fair of him to turn this onto me. He's the one that screwed the pooch! This was all his doing. If he really wanted me to talk to them I would be glad to tell them EXACTLY why he couldn't take the job.

That made him furiuos.
Again he was blaming me for turning his good news into a downer and ruining his day. WTF?????
When he finally calmed down he said I was making something out of nothing. He might not even get offered the job. Why are we arguing over something that may never happen? Besides, he wasn't laying it on me as to what to say, he just wanted my "input". What a load of B--- S---.
What an idiot he thinks I must be.
Obviously he thinks I can just sweep this all under the rug and he can continue on his merry way without any consequences to himself while I continue to worry about who he is with and what he is doing 24/7.

Sorry, that ain't happenin.

My exposure letter is almost finished. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to bring this man to his senses.