Tonight has been the worst.

My sister and I went to a local downtown restaurant to have a late dinner tonight and I am pretty shaken up by what happened. I just wanted to get out of the house because I have been feeling a bit down and my sis thought it would help to just go out for a bit tonight.

We saw my WH at the restaurant and he was with a young woman from his office. I recognized her because I have seen her many times when I visited him at his job. When we walked in the restaurant he did not see us initially. They were sitting with their backs to the door on the same side of the table, sitting very close and talking, they weren't touching but they were leaning in close talking to each other. I wanted to run outside and catch my breath but my sister told me that I had a right to be there and I was not going to run, she said I had to confront him.

My sister was fuming mad, maybe more so than me and I could hardly breathe.I think I had a panic attack, because I was so shaky. She took out her camera phone and snapped pictures of them. We walked over to the table and he jumps up saying that its not what it looks like, before I could say anything those were the first words out of his mouth. I didn't say anything I just stood there and stared, I froze. He started introducing the woman saying they were meeting for business and that she was promoted from clerical assistant to executive assistant and that she is helping out in the real estate office and that the VP asked him to take her out to celebrate. Am I supposed to believe that? I think she is his new OW. I am crushed.

The woman could not even look me in the eye. She looked so uncomfortable and in shock. My sister started asking him where is his car because its not in the parking lot outside.She also asked why would he be out so late if this is an after work celebration. She told him he was a big liar, He admitted that the girl drove both of them and said his car was towed earlier in the day so that's why she drove him and that it was a late dinner because of all of the chaos that happened because of his car being towed. It sounded like a load of crap. The crazy thing is that he just rattled all of these answers off like it was no big deal. No real expression just blankly looking at us and coming up with these excuses for being there. I can't believe he thinks I will fall for this.

I just looked at the girl and told her I am his wife and I am giving my H a chance to work on our M and I'd appreciate it if you would respect that. That is not really what I wanted to say to her but I just started to feel calm and I did not want her to see me fall apart. She was so embarrassed and just shook her head yes and picked up her bag and apologized to me. She said she didn't know he was married and that she would never have let him take her out to celebrate. She is a liar too because she has seen me before when I came to his office, unless he told her I wasn't his wife. I don't know which to believe.

So I looked at him and said so you didn't tell her I was your W? He just stared at me and never answered. The girl left. But what does this really accomplish? He will see her at work. I do feel like I caught him red handed and off guard. His whole story fell apart right there and the woman looked like she could crawl under a rock. I did not even get to eat dinner, the whole restaurant was staring and my sister and I just walked out. WH was left there looking foolish with no car to get back home apparently. I feel good for standing up for myself but I don't know why I feel just as crushed all over again. It just keeps getting worse.

He has called my cell phone non stop with messages telling me that it was nothing to be upset about and that he could prove it. Does he really think that I am a fool? Why won't he just admit it? That is just cruel. I am sad that he could stoop this low. The saddest part is that he is probably calling her too trying to patch it up with her. ugh!

Is it even worth it to find out if the woman is married or has a boyfriend? or does it matter since I am going through with LSA? I don't know why, but I am feeling like I need to make their lives h*ll. I am really sad, angry and hurt. I don't even know why I am questioning my instinct, but does anyone think I handled this okay? No matter what, I want to bust up the A if she is the OW. They looked too close for comfort in the restaurant and I really think she is involved with him.

What should I do? Expose it to their office? I need to do something. I am not going back to our house now or I'd lose it. Thank goodness my sister is supporting me throught this.

Is anyone out there tonight? I am having a hard time being still. I am starting to feel like maybe I should go over to the house and see if he went home. I can't stand the thought of him inviting her into our home. She did leave the restaurant but what if he called her and she went into MY home. I can't stand thinking that something could be going on in my house, I wouldn't put it past him to try something like that. This is so hard and as much as I tried to stay calm in the restaurant its all hitting me pretty hard right now. I am still staying at my sisters house, but now I am second guessing that because he could be doing who know's what in there. Anyone have any advice?

I got very little sleep after last night finding him in the restaurant with who I believe to be his new OW. He is really good at making me question myself but this time I am not falling for that. He called this morning telling me that I made a scene over nothing and that the "poor girl" as he calls her, was just a co-worker. Of course he is turning it all around on me now. Like I am the crazy wife who can't control herself. I really wanted to go by the house last night but my sis talked me out of it. What can I do with those pictures my sister snapped of them sitting together? Should I expose this to their job because it was obvious something in going on between them? or do I need more proof? I know the girl claims she didn't know he was married but I think she is lying, they were sitting SO close together. I know him very well, the way he was leaning in talking to her, before he saw us, there is something happening between them and I don't believe it was an innocent thing at all.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? He was caught with her but he's trying to make me believe I didn't see what I really saw. This is very frustrating and I am mentally exhausted from all of this. I feel like I need to DO something to break up his A. I had been feeling like there was more I didn't know about, I could not shake the nagging feeling that something was going on with him and I think I found out exactly what it was last night. She has to be the new OW.

Forgive
is it possible for you to get into an exercise program..
find a gym where you can get into a good environment and also get some areobic exrecise
something safe that will relax you??
Jersey boy

Thanks jerseyboy, but I exercise 3 times a week already.
I think its just that I found WH with the woman that I think is his new OW and I have decided to expose this to his job. I am going to take action. I read Medce's post about not being still but taking control of your life and I think that's what I need to do. I have let these things go on too long. This is not my WH's first affair so I know all the signs, I've seen him in action before. Sorry if my posts seem a bit all over the place but I felt like I had gone through a d-day all over again. I was hoping that others would chime in and give me their opinions about how to proceed with what I found out last night.
I have calmed down some but I am not going to let him get away with this. I am not a doormat and I won't let him treat me like I am crazy or like I am a fool.

Thanks again for your suggestions JB, I will try to keep exercising especially while I have to go through this process with WH. I am sure it will help me with my stress levels. WH will be getting the LSA soon enough, but I won't stand back while he has another A and do nothing.

you asked for my input...here it is...simple and to the point.

Your H is a scum bag and isn't worth the pain he is putting you through. Too many affairs and too much stuff have brought you to a point where you should get his happy asss away from you for good...forever.

Speak to the best and most ruthless divorce attorney in your area and take your sad excuse for a H to the cleaners.

JB is dead on about the exercise. You will need at least 4 times a week...in a group setting..of aerobic exercise.

I just read your whole thread.

Get your LSA.
And make arrangements for Plan B.
Your sister sounds like the perfect intermediary.

Your husband is a serial cheater. And he gaslights you to the extreme. He makes you doubt your own instincts and intuition.

What you saw at the restaurant was yet another budding affair. Completely inappropriate. This is NOT a man who is learning any lessons or respecting appropriate boundries for marriage.

You need to separate yourself from him, because he has learned how to manipulate, gaslight and abuse you (not physically, but emotionally). I sense his panic right now is about losing his prey and his financial support.

Think about this -- What would remorse look like?
If he truly understood that what he did and is doing is WRONG, how would he make it up to you?
What actions would show he was serious?
How would he show his respect to you? How would he honor his marriage and commitment?

IMO, you need to move ahead with separation, and get your own apartment. Start planning your life without him. If he gets his act together he can rejoin you down the road.

IMO, he has a LONNNNNNNG way to go before he is marriage-material.

He has put me through a lot of pain. The first A was painful enough but I tried to make it work. I didn't want to D because I have always been told that people can change. D is the final step after trying all that you can to save your M. That's why I haven't done that yet. I am having LSA done now, and he will be getting it by the end of next week hopefully. I have a good attorney but don't you think I should at least expose this behavior to their job so that they don't get away with this so easily?

Thank you guys for responding.

This is why I want to expose the A. My sister snapped pictures on her phone and I can easily send them to his boss. I can verify through his job that he is lying about the VP asking him to take the woman out to celebrate a promotion. I just don't believe he is telling the truth. I think its a unfair that he gets to "play" around and there are no consequences. Maybe that will be the slap on the head that he needs to wake up. I read on this board that exposure kills the A. Even if we end up D'd I don't want to allow this to go on without fighting it.
What do you think?

I wouldn't bother exposing the affair to anyone other than another BS and your children. Other than that...just divorce this clown as quickly as you can and move on and be happy.

FH,
This is from your first post


You have already invested 8 years of your life to a man that has not done the same. I can't imagine what you are going through but do you want to be here in 16 years saying the same thing?

Oh sure...you could expose to his boss, and go through all the other exposure methods to end *this* affair.

....but then he will just be on to the next one.

You are not dealing with an ordinary wandering husband. You are dealing with one who has had multiple affairs with no consequences.

The consequence that *might* stop him in his tracks and get him to start thinking about and changing his behavior is LOSING YOU.

The timing is right on this one. Because he has you almost convinced to return to the status quo. Move to an apartment together, he will behave for a little while (or cover his tracks better) and then have another affair. Then you'll be 10 years invested into this mess and you still won't want to leave.

You need to separate yourself from him completely. He needs to have a complete change of heart. And a complete change of behavior with ways to PROVE it -- which will take him MONTHS if not YEARS to accomplish.

If you could go no contact with HIM -- it might break YOUR dependence on this cycle. Get away so you can look at this more clearly.

You didn't answer my question about what remorse would look like to you.

Let me ask you this. If this was the marriage that was proposed to you 8 years ago, would you have signed on for it? If he had said, marry me...so you can financially support me while I cheat on you behind your back, and make you think you are crazy for not trusting me -- would you have said yes?

This can't be what you want for yourself.

Even if you succeed in breaking up his latest fling...HE HASN'T CHANGED.

No way. I would not even consider 16 more years like this. I think what I am struggling with is seeing him carry on with an OW right in front of me, and if I am just going to sit back and do nothing, wouldn't that make me a doormat? I am already in the process of getting the LSA. If I could save this and if he would change on his own, I would be willing to think about staying in an M with him. It's just that allowing the A with a new OW to go on without me doing or saying anything seems like the wrong thing to do.

I thought he was remorseful in the past when he cried and did not want to leave, I was fooled by the tears apparently. Maybe I don't even know what remorse should look like at this point. I wasn't ignoring your question, sorry it took some time for me to get back to this. I am thinking a lot about what you said and it does make sense.
I never would have signed up for this if I knew before hand that it would turn out this way. BUT I am in an M now, and its not the easiest to just watch him carry on with a new OW right in front of me, that is what I am struggling with now.

Thank you for taking the time to help. I am just not sure anymore what I should do. Exposing and fighting this would make me feel better, at least I would know I haven't just thrown in the towel without a fight. I think that's where I am stuck.

I wish it were that easy. I know I can get a D, I am struggling with wanting to show him what he is really losing in me. I don't understand why HE can't see that. He will end up destroying his life but it doesn't matter to him. That makes me really sad. I did not want to ever be in this position, and before we got M I never thought I would end up here. Also, Medc I don't have any kids. That makes it easier for some people to just walk away, but I am having a hard time untangling myself from him.

You are really missing the point. What does it matter what he feels or doesn't regarding losing you? You should divorce him no matter what he feels. He is at best, a scoundrel that will always be a cheater.

Move on, be happy...stop worrying about him and begin your life anew.

It IS that easy...he has made the decision that easy by being such a dirt bag.

I know you are suffering a loss here...but bottom line is, the longer you deal with this...and even consider taking him back, the more you will lose.

I need a plan for myself. I have the LSA process started.
I know you all probably think it doesn't make a difference but I went ahead and sent an email to the VP of his company about WH and the OW that works in the office. I uploaded the pics from my sis's phone from last night and attached them to the email. They should know what type of people are working for their company. I have no idea if it will matter one bit, but it makes me feel better. I have the name of the OW from the office and I am looking it up on an address site on the internet. If I can find out who her H, or boyfriend or even parents, I am going to expose. At least I will have done something to make it harder for them to continue.
I am going to go through with the LSA and I am not telling him that I have contacted his job. I really hope he gets hit with the consequences of his actions.

medc I hear what you are saying, I really do. I am going to need to think about what my future is going to be like without him if he doesn't change but I have read lots of stories here where WS's have changed. I hope I am just not being hard-headed. Fighting this won't hurt will it? Even if I end up D's won't it count for something that he has to feel consequences for his actions?

Given your H's history, it is unlikely he will change...and that has been shown time and again in my time on these boards.

All you may wind up doing is pissing him off and having him try and do something to screw you over.

Good luck.

FH --

Why this one? Why is this affair so much more important than the others? And don't you realize that if you succeed in breaking up this one....the next one is around the corner?

He needs to make TREMENDOUS changes in his character and values.

He needs to lose you. He needs to hit bottom. Then do the work to repair himself and make him a marriage-worthy partner.

You aren't going to affect that with exposing the latest affair or more Plan A.

He needs to lose you. He needs to learn his manipulations don't work and he needs to completely CHANGE his way of thinking about marriage.

He's not going to do any of that if you are there "helping" him....