Do any of you BS's think that reading and posting on here makes you dwell more on your spouse's A and on the OP.

I am asking because I have days when I am not at my computer and I seem to think about it less. When I have access to my computer I feel like an addict who must come here and read, it's like I loose all self control and can't be productive with work because I can't stop reading posts.

I think it does become counterproductive at some point.

It doesn't make me think about my H's affair or the OP or interfere in my life in any negative way.

Just the opposite, I get great personal satisfaction from helping others and learning new things.

ME, TOO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I suspect sometimes it does have a negative impact on my state of mind. But then again, I think that is counterbalanced by the good that I get from reading, and the help I get from others regarding my sitch.

I also am glad to have the chance to help others through what for me has been the most challenging time of my life.

I have been pondering this very thing though and am pondering a MB haitus.

Yes. I also think it has a negative impact on my state of mind as well. But for me it is better than the utter lonely feelings I experience in the wee hours of the morning.

I really need to limit my time on this board during what should be productive daytime hours.

No, but it often makes me want to strangle WS's for their hurtful behaviors.

I'm almost 5 years out from my ex-wife's affair. It must have ended recently, as she is dating someone else now.

But I still want to give the V8 head bop to folks who think affairs are a good solution to their problems, LOL

No, not at all.

For quite a long time, while living in the A-aftermath perdition, I was also on here working through my thoughts and feelings. I would have been thinking about all that anyway, whether on here or IRL, but this gave me a creative outlet to process, without necessarily needing to dump every single thought that went through my head on my H.

Now I only post A-related stuff when it won't bother me to think about. If I'm tired, or having trouble with the boys, and thus more vulnerable to any lingering sadness, I choose not to post any serious things.

Even then I still rely on my friends here, so I come and hang out on Mom's thread, but that's because I know where to draw the line between paying forward and an unhealthy interest.

(Right now my DH is away, so I have more time to post than usual.)

Helping others is a GREAT DIVERSION from our own trials and tribulation. When I am suffering from some personal trauma, nothing gets me get out of myself faster than HELPING OTHERS. I suffer MORE when I stay engrossed in my own mess. Focusing on others is THERAPEUTIC.

Hi Victoria

I think it depends how you use the time here.

If its to whine and rubberneck exclusively it definitely has a dragging effect on a person. It did me anyway.

But if you look to find ways out of your current hold-up, and seek to be inspired by the success stories; maybe even helping others which helps cement these great MB concepts in our selves I think that time is very well spent.

I found it an unhealthy obsession at around 18 months so I quit for almost a year.

Since then I've read much and contributed less. But its certainly not a drag on my situation any more.

And I must also say that I would certainly not have been married and as emotionally healthy as I am without MB for that first year and a half.

Hi Victoria,

I agree with Bob, it depends on how you use it and it's different for everyone.

I've found that if used constructively to overcome issues that you are facing then you can get some very useful opinion and advice. I've also found that the discipline of writing your problem down can sometimes in itself resolve it. I've often started to write a post and found that trying to express my problem and possible solutions logically in writing reveals the answer so I haven't needed to post.

It's also interesting that you can't see the wood from the trees in your own situation but can help other people because you are detached from theirs.

Personally I don't go in for the almost daily blogging that some people seem to benefit from.

I think it's useful to confine your participation to a limited amount of time per week/day to avoid the very real issue that you have identified.

Bingo! That was perfectly said, Bob. I have learned things here that have dramatically changed the quality of my life by enriching my marriage. I have gained enormous personal satisfaction by helping others learn what I have learned here and watching them grow.

Victoria,

I agree with some of the others here that it really depends on how you use the time spent here.

I was one of the posters here who really struggled to find recovery. I ignored those who cautioned me that my LB was seriously low.

I have stubbornly come to realize that the MB principles are spot on and just plain work.

Now I come here because I consider folks here as friends. I think that having friends who have experienced similar experiences are like gold.

I also feel fullfillment when I can encourage any BS who is struggling with their pain, just as so many here encouraged me in the past.

Sort of like giving back.

Who

Hello-Victoria:
My MC said you can and should take breaks from any therapy that you feel can be counterproductive.

Yes, this site gets me fired up quite a bit-
But then I will read something- sometimes not even intended in the post topic/list- and it will bring the "good feeling" back into my searching.

I think I would not be married today if I did not learn (from the posters here) that recovery takes YEARS.
My H (and somethimes I think my MC) expect it to be dealt with in a "few weeks" or a month or so.

Without the "long time hanger in there" type people - I would have QUIT simply due to fatigue. I was not giving myself enough time to heal- apparently I need more than some- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Victoria,

I vented safely here on MB in my early days....it helped me to overcome my obsession with OW (as mentioned on your recovery thread) and to begin to rebuild trust after I learned additional steps that would help us.

Bob P. wrote:


His posts (and posts from WAT and Josie/Weaver) helped me when Bob was NOT even posting because others bumped them for me when they saw me struggling.

You may never know how something you write might help you at the time, but also might help others down the road.

BTW Bob.....I also appreciate how you still ask for ideas to overcome challenges and then share your successes on the recovery forum. I'm sure other experienced posters have other places to seek help but it's good to see you finding solutions still here.

Victoria, keep posting if it helps you and stop when it's too difficult. We are all different so what works for one might not work for others. I did take 2 weeks off from posting only a week after I started so I know it's healthy to take the break when needed.....for whatever reason.

Best wishes,
Ace

Mimi,
Do you think where you are in your recovery has an impact also? I noticed some people (you, mel) that are a distance out from DD responded positively. So someone who is early on in recovery may be raw and trigger more to other people's posts?

No way, I was doing that enough on my own before. Now that I am here posting I am able to think more about what I can do for the future of my marriage and to heal. It's actually helping me to obsess not so much. I don't feel quite so helpless anymore.

That is great, so it is impowering to you. I guess I could see that. Maybe you feel you didn't have any control over what happened but now you can help others? Good for you. I see some BS here and I think, wow are they strong!

I received some LIFE-CHANGING HELP..RIGHT HERE..during RECOVERY..from PEP, BR, LA, JL and many others..more valuable than any PSYCHOTHERAPY than I have ever received...I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL..making me the POWERHOUSE that I am today..so I feel blessed by the OPPORTUNITY to give back NOW that I am in a different place...

When I was RAW and HURTING, I came HERE for HELP and found it..from STRANGERS who seemed to REALLY CARE and UNDERSTOOD..had EMPATHY for me...

I couldn't spend as much TIME here, though, during EARLY RECOVERY...needing to devote time to my H and the marriage...but when I NEEDED IT..HELP was HERE....I had all these LIGHTBULB MOMENTS but I can't seem to find those threads...

See, it had the opposite impact on me. I was triggered in my every day life for the first 18 months and came here and learned how to BETTER HANDLE those triggers by reading the success stories of others. For example, when I got here 6 months past D-Day, I was very rage filled and learned from others that this was a normal phase of recovery and not to ACT ON IT. I learned that this was temporary. I mostly read the most healthy, recovered people I could find here because I WANTED WHAT THEY HAD.

If you are feeling triggered, maybe it would help to be more selective about the posts you follow?

I know that when my son was killed, I could NOT BEAR to go to grief forums because they triggered me horribly. [I still cannot] So maybe it is the same principle here. Stick with the recovered ppl if you are not recovered.