I am a recently caught cheater looking for advice. I was recently caught through a love letter I wrote to OW on my computer. I wrote it six months ago when I thought our marraige was "rocky". I was cheating at the time, and our situation was confrontational because I was deceitful about my "friendship" with OW. I had long since stopped seeing and talking to OW and was attempting to heal my relationship with my wife when the letter was found. I really would love for my marraige to be saved. We have two wonderful children(22m and 4m) and I am committed to being around for them. At the time of the cheating I was stationed at an army base during the week and home on weekends. I am home permanently now. This is what started the distrust, I wasnt talking to my wife as much as I shouldve been and she was home pregnant with an infant daughter. Beleive me, I feel just like the moron I sound like.

I have moved out, actually been kicked out, I have a place within 2 miles so I can be there for anything needed. I need to get help, alot of it, before I will try to get my wife to take me back. I dont want to hurt her again, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Her and her family have pretty much taught me every good thing I know about life and being a dad. I want to be there on her terms, and I also want to get help in order for her to trust me and help close that wound. The trouble is, I didnt seek help before, she already didnt trust me, then she found the letter. I need advice...I need a chin check pretty much. I am much better at saying how things should or are going to be than actually doing them. I need to find out how to have the right things in the forefront of my mind always. I need help, so please, good or bad, give me some peer advice.

JPC,

I'm glad you're here to try and salvage your marriage. Have you read all the stuff on this site? You also should read "Surviving an Affair" which can be purchased from this website. You have to show your BW that you're changing. Give her all the information she asks for. Does she want to save the marriage? If she'll post here, she can get wonderful advice and support to help her through her pain.

The first piece of advice is to take your real name and e-mail address off of your profile. ESPECIALLY because it is a government web address. If you want to put an e-mail address for people here to e-mail you get a hotmail address and put that in your profile. This is a wonderful site and you will get great advice but there are sick lurkers out there that may stalk you.

When did your wife find the letter? Did you come clean about your affair to your wife? Did you answer all her questions? Did you send a NC to the OW?

This is good, have you told her this?

This is a problem, you didn’t tell her she found out. That is an added layer to her distrust of you. You should have come clean right away but there is nothing you can do about the past except be totally honest and take the consequences. Tell her everything she wants to know. You said she didn’t trust you; did she have reasons not to trust you? Have you had affairs in the past? Was the OP someone she knows? Did you tell her who the OP was? Any information you can give your wife to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle will bring you closer to reconciliation. I am not saying it is a sure thing but in order for the Marriage to heal she will have to feel she has been told everything and she can trust you. This involves you being transparent, giving her your passwords/pins to your cell and e-mail addresses.

Thank you for the advice on what to show and what not to. I will also reply momentarily about the advice posting you left. This is what I really need is to get some advice from someone outside of our circle.

My wife found the letter earlier this week, I hadn't really had the chance to confess everything afterward because I was litterally out on my rear. I am fully prepared to answer all questions when she is ready, even over email if she needs that. The OW hasnt been in my life for months, she has been blocked from contact in all aspects of my life. Im sure this just makes me look even more guilty, but I thought it would be best to just not talk to her anymore.

I haven't told her enough how much I admire her and her family except when its to butter her up when shes mad at me for doing something stupid.

As for the fact that she found the letter, she already didnt trust me, and we were trying to make things really work. She already knew who OW was and had even spoken to her. Both OW and I had lied and said nothing happened. Then when the letter was found, I had to confess to being truly unfaithful, rather than just deceitful. I am trying to talk this out with her and she knows Im pursuing help, alot of help. We agree that I cant even see the kids until I can lift 25 pounds(Just had back surgery). There are restrictions that are going to happen to me by her in order to try and make this work, and Im ok with that. She wants me to pay the bills and she will give me money to live on my own for awhile. Basically, we want to make it so if we do get divorced, we are credit card debt free. I love her so much and just havent expressed it enough without having some sort of problem attached to it. Please, anyone looking at this, throw the advice, criticism, or encouragement my way.

slowly but surely reading the site. I cant buy anything, but I have been reading alot of books from my library about recovering after infidelity. I will suggest this site to her, but I dont know if she'll want to do it. She doesnt know if she wants to save the marraige, but is open to the ideas that I'm putting out for me helping her out. I love her so much and want this to work, I just know it will take a while, like a year. If I'm wrong tell me, but I wont rush this. I will remarry her if thats what it takes, because when I go back, I will be a different person entirely.

Do not put a time limit on when you think you will be recovered. Give your wife as much time as she needs to process what has happened. On this site they say it can take an average of 2 years AFTER the BS feels safe to reach recovery. That is an average, some marriages take longer than that. By saying the BS feels safe I mean they feel they have all the information they need, they feel there is NC with the OP and they feel the WS is being transparent and honest with them. You are no where near this yet. I would suggest journaling and writing her letters. You don't have to send the letters but putting your thoughts on paper can help. Then if you feel it would help for her to read them you can share them with her.

I am confused as to how much your wife knows. Did you two talk at all about it other than the basic "I had an affair” “get out and stay out”? In order to help you we need to know where you are at as far as how much your wife has been told by you. There is a HUGE difference between telling her you had an affair and letting her fill in the details and you telling her the details she needs to put it all together. She KNEW you were unfaithful but you lied to her so she doubted her instincts. She needs to learn to trust her instincts again and you need to show her you can be trustworthy again.

JPC,

Read my Rebuilding Trust thread in the recovery forum. It might give you an idea of what you can do to make things better.

DM-

Call the Harleys for one on one advice - you can't go wrong!

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Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
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waste no more time reading ----

[color:"red"]imagine a beloved family member is going into cardiac arrest !!

are you going to read a book on CPR?
or are you going to dial 911 ??

CALL the marriage emergency line (Harley)

Your situation is totally salvagable - Harley can coach you into recovery in a way that no further damage is done !!

CALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, this is the type of info and advice I need. I dont want to put a specific date on the recovery, its just we have two young kids that I dont want to traumatize any more. You are right, I havent been as transparent as I should've been. This is what caused the distrust before she found out about the cheating. She, however, does not know everything. She doesnt know the when and what of the whole thing. I will write that down so that I can tell her or give that to her when shes ready. I have to let her know the details of it all, this since she actually doesnt know that I never slept with OW. I did however, cheat on my wife with this woman. Also, everything that has been found thusfar suggests nothing other than me sleeping with this woman, so me making what I actually did evident might or might not help.

I cant stand to be without my children, and my wife wants me to get better before I can see them. I also cant fathom my life without her. I have left her alone while at work for up to a year at a time and never have had to worry about her being unfaithful. I have been stupid enough to ask her and accuse her of cheating, and that is also the type of person I want the get away from being. I just want to be a good dad and husband. Like I have said before, this is all I have ever seen from her family and, just like anyone, she deserves nothing less.

Everyone, keep suggesting things to read and actions to take. I dont mind criticism, I love advice.
Justin

Completely agree with Pep.

Call the Harleys. They will work with you to put together a plan for recovery. One that WILL work and make your marriage everything you and your wife ever wanted. A new Marriage.

Do it!

Jo

Well, sorry I took so long to reply. I will say that the seperation we are under now is for one year. She doesnt want to deal with me other than for the kids, finances, or to see Im being responsible. She is hurt, I cheated on her while she was pregnant and taking care of an infant. I was away for the military, being deceptive, basically making her think she was crazy. She wants one year to see what she wants out of life. After that year, we will start dating if I am a better person. Fortunately, the dates are a guarantee, she says she wont lie to me like I did to her. That means I need to be more responsible, truthful, not cocky, not verbally abusive. She wants me to be someone that can be a valuable part of the family, instead of just a paycheck. Now, I dont want her to date other people, but I want her to have what she needs. If that includes dating, oh well. Im not going to, but Im not her. I also dont think shes going to be "getting around", she has the two kids. However, Im insecure, she is a beautiful woman and can pick up in a second. I need to get what counseling and therapy I need out of the way, not to go through the motions, but to get real help. I need to get through issues like childhood, war, commitment, etc. Anybody, I will take what suggestions you have on what to read or do in the meantime.

JPC,

20 days ago PEP told you to make a 911 call, did you follow through?

No call to the 911, we are seeing separate psychologists. I am very optimistic that if I give her some time, and help with the family, she will become more confident in me everyday. She wants me to disappear and give her time, I want to help and give her time away, thats the dispute right now. Thanks.

I THOUGHT I WOULD REPOST THIS FOR YOU!!!! PEP IS DEAD ON!

So you are going to read the book on CPR??????? While her heart is in arrest??????

Makes more sense to call 911.........It worked for us!