I have been with my husband for 7 years married for 4 of those. I recently discovered he was having an online affair for the second time. The first one I discovered before it gained momentum but the second one he was much more secretive about and it wasnt until I accidently discovered his email accounts that I found out something was up.
He has never met this person and I can see it is all a big game to her by the things she was saying in the emails.
I tried to stick it out and then I got his mobile phone bill and he had sent her 292 text messages in a month I was devestated and I moved out of the house.
He has not worked for about 5mths and I have been supporting both of us and I am still supporting both of us. He was trying to get into the police force but he got rejected on medical grounds and ever since he has sunk into a deep depression.
He is still communicating with this OW and he refuses to talk to me about the situation. We were in counselling but as soon as the counsellor tried to get into his head he said he didnt want to see me anymore and he wasnt going to anymore sessions.
For a long time I have felt our problems were all my fault. That I could have been better, done more, been stronger, etc.
I have tried to confront this other person but as she is in another state she wont answer her phone when I call. I believe she is married herself as there has been no indication of them getting together.
He keeps changing his mind he wnats it to work and then he doesnt. I think she is influencing the situation because she knows he is very vunerable right now.
Please I need advice as to how I can sort this out. I have told everyone we both know and all of his family cause he wasnt going to tell anyone what was going on.
I am getting conflicting advice..... I am getting told to cut him off completely and others are saying he is depressed and he needs you.
Any advice will help.

alltoohard,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, alltoohard! I know it's not a place you ever expected to find yourself nor a place any of us ever wanted to be but you have found a place full of knowledgable, compassionate people. You are not alone and we do care.

A couple of questions for you. Do you have kids together?
How long has this affair been going on?
If he is refusing to stop contact with the OW and refusing to talk to you about it, why are you still supporting him?

His affair is NOT your fault! Yes, you may have had a hand in the fragile state of the marriage prior to his affair, but the CHOICE to have an affair was HIS and HIS ONLY! If he was unhappy or dissatisfied with the marriage, there's many other things he could have done to resolve that. An affair IS NOT one of those things!

He probably is depressed. Does he have a history of not having a job?

By the way, living in different houses is one of the worse things you can do.

No we do not have children, but the hard part for me is we were trying until I discovered what he was up too.
I discovered the affair in November of 2007. When I found him out he did everything that after reading this site I should have expected -
How dare I go through his personal things.
He doesnt love me anymore.
This wouldnt have happened if I had been a better wife BLAH BLAH BLAH
He told me he would stop contact with her and silly me believed him but then I got our phone bill and discovered all the texting that was going on.
The contact has dwindled considerably since I moved out of the house it was almost like it was exciting for him while I as there??? Now she is doing the pursuing. I want to tell her to back off but she wont answer her phone even if I hide my number.
It is absolutely amazing to me that this has happened he has always been so dependable and reliable. It is like I am married to an imposter!!!!
I want to go home but I have absolutely zero trust for him and I am not ready to put myself in that situation yet.
You also asked why I am still supporting him because unfortunately everything is in my name as well as his so I have an obligation. It is not something I am proud of but I feel I have no choice.
He has been working this week (only 1 weeks work) but he has been so different. calling me, making an effort, etc I can see the old him again but come thursday when the work is over I know he is going to revert back.
He has alienated himself from everyone. Friends, family (his and mine) and just general human contact. He feels the only people that understand him are these people on the net????? He sleeps all day and finds it very difficult to get out of bed other than to talk to his 'friends' on the net.
I told everyone why I left the house and he is very ashamed and so he should be!!!!!!
I just dont understand any of this. I want my marriage and my husband back but I dont know if I can ever trust him again!

No he doesnt have a history of not having a job. he has worked the whole time we have been together & married until he got rejected from the police force.
the whole thing with the police force put a massive strain on our relationship because I did the best I could to support him with all the medicals, mediations, letters, etc but they had made up their mind (he has Crohns disease and they saw him as a risk) and were not going to budge even when we went to the Equal Opportunities Commission.
The affair began pretty much immediately after we received the final rejection letter.
It was as if a part of him died and he sought solice in the internet rather than speaking to me??? Dont get me wrong I did everything I could to get him to open up but he just kept saying 'I am fine' when it was plain obvious he wasnt.
Through the whole ordeal I kept telling him I would support him but I thought he should keep his options open but he is very stubborn when he sets his mind to something.
I cant live with him at the moment as much as it is tearing me too pieces. I feel so hurt and betrayed and I really believe he has to have some consequences for his actions.
The other problem is there is no talking with him about any of this and he makes me feel like it is all in my head!!!!
I know what I read in those emails and the things she was saying to him were totally inappropriate. The only thing that I can hold on to is all of the sexual inuendo was coming form her none of his replies were sexual in nature but then I have no idea what they have discussed via text and the phone???
The part of the emails that cut me the most was the one that she sent him which said teh following -
'everytime I think of you making love to your wife I feel sad'....... he fobbed it off in the reply as if it was a bit of a joke but I feel likeshe included me in the whole sordid thing and that really rocked me.
I told him I read that and he stated 'they are just words you need to get over it' BUT I CANT!!!!!!!!
I have found a place of my to live in until he gets his s#$t together he doesnt seem overly impressed but I dont know what else to do???