Here is my story!
Been married 16 years, 3 kids. Typical situation. Husband did not met my EN's not even the basic ones. I do not even remember when we started having problems. But we had a lot of problems, the thing is that he did not believed it!
To everybody we were the "perfect couple" especially to our family. Nobody new that we had problems. We started out good but got worse over the years. He would not be affectionate to me at all. He started working on his computer all the time. We would talk but hardly had an intimate conversation. We would never make plans on our future, because if I wanted to, he would get mad, so I
stopped. We used to make love 6 to 7 times a year at the most. The minute that he knew I was pregnant, he stopped touching me, so when that happenned he did not touched me for about 15 months (9 pregnancy + 6 months later).
He did not talked open about anything (and I mean anything) I made all the decisions in regards to our children education and discipline. Not because I wanted to,but because somebody had to do it.
Summarizing; We could not talk openly about anything, other than just very basic stuff. We did not make plans for the future. We hardly had SR. He blamed me for my last pregnancy (he did not want it nor did I) but it happened I did not do it on purpose.
For those of you that are christians you are going to understand that after I accepted the Lord, I begin to pray for him hoping that he would change. But he never did, I use to beg him to go to counseling at church or with a MC, or wherever he wanted to, but he never did, I remember that he used to laugh at me saying " you are crazy, everything is all right, is all in your head, go on to your church people, they will help you". I used to beg him to go with me to a weekend get-a-way but he used to laugh at me saying "that is for newly weds, not for us".
Unfortunately for us, when the OM appeared, I think I was dissappointed at God, at church, at everybody and everything. My husband find out on May of 06. He reacted calmly but I did not understood that.I stopped all contact with OM and tried to fixed our M by ourselves and we were not successful, I now know that I was under a heavy fog, because one day I wanted to stay with him and the next day I hated him. I went to my mom's during the summer vacation. When school started I returned home, but he already had a change of heart. He did not wanted me with him anymore (or so I thought). I started working again and felt and OM contacted me again around Nov of 06. We resume our communication (e-mail, he did not lived in my city, he lived 3000 miles away).On Dec. 1st OM told me that he was going back to live with his son's mom and we ended everthing.
One day after that I was already tired of living under that type of pressure. I was a wreck emotionally. I finally gave up and went back to church and went back to my Lord. On Dec. 12 I was having suicidal thoughts, I remembered telling the Lord, "please God do something with me, because I do not want to live like this anymore" I went to church and on that same day he changed me. It was great!! But on that same day my husband found out about the latest e-mails. He went to sleep in our kid's bedroom since then.After that in Feb of 07 he told me that he was going to leave after our little girl's birthday party. I freaked out and he noticed. He told me several times during the past year that he was going to leave me. He started treating me in a very hard way. I understand that I have to give him time and that he has a lot of mixed emotions. During this time,I sometimes feel afraid of going home from work, cause I do not know how he is behaving that day, he has told me a lot of hurtful words,humlliate me, ignored me, trashed me, and a lot of bad and hurtful things that I do not want to dwell on them anymore because I have fogiven him for the past and for the present (we are still together) and in the same situation.
I am a Christian and I know what the Lord wants for me, He is the main reason that I am still here, I know the Lord is the main reason why my husband is still here (he is not christian). I know he has a plan for us and what he promised he is going to do. He will not fail.
But, is there some type of plan for this type of situation? He can not seem to overcome this. He told me in 2007 that he doesn't "feel" that he wants to try to fix our marriage anymore. He did not want to talk to anybody. He did not want to go to a MC, because we went just 2 months before he found out. It was not a good experience.
I told I bought "Surviving an Affair" and read it. Told him about it in one of those "good" days. He told me to put it in his drawer and that he was going to read it. You got to understand that when he told me that I was so excited. He finally was saying (in one way) that he needed help!! That was last month. I do not know if he is reading it or not.
It has been very hard for him to go through this, especially because he was brought up in a very macho environment. (We are from Mexico)

I am sorry for the long story. Hope I get lots of feedback. I need to know what he is thinking. I know it is different for a man than it is for a woman.

Thank you all in advance!!

Angie

Hi Angie! Sorry you have to be here, but welcome to Marriage Builders!

Sounds like there were some problems with communication between you and your husband before the A, so he is certainly going to have an even tougher time now expressing himself and the depth of the pain he is feeling.

You must take the lead, even though you said that you already have, and become an open book for him. He may tell you he doesn't care, or that it doesn't matter, or that he hates you, or can't stand you or whatever right now. This is normal and you must persevere regardless of his negative reactions.

Tell him you have a plan and that you are committed to working on this M because you love him and you are willing to do whatever it takes. Start reading all you can on this site. It will help you to understand just how badly you have hurt him and that no matter what your problems were in your M before your A, NOTHING excuses or justifies reaching out to someone outside of the M this way. That is TOTALLY on you. There were a hundred other ways you could have dealt with your marital problems without having an A.

You need to be prepared for a long, hard journey now. You BH may decide he does not wish to stay married to you...that is his choice, just as it is your choice to stay. But you JOB right now is to make ammends for your enormous mistake that will leave you BH scarred for life.

Dr Harley compares the pain of infidelity to rape or the death of a child. We have members here who have experienced both and agree with him completely. Neak started a thread that is still here on the first page called "Being betrayed was worse than..." Check it out. Also, check out my links in my sig line, especially "Fogapalooza" and then the first few pages of "My story cont".

Your question was...what kind of plan do I need...?

1. Be completely open and honest with your BH about everything he needs to know.

2. Make your life an open book...give him access to all email passwords, cell phones, tell him where you are going and when you will be back, etc. (understand that he prolly feels like "tough guys" wouldn't act this way or be so afraid or hurt, but he IS, and you need to take the lead)

3. Realize that if he wanted out, he prolly would already be gone. Tune out the negativity in his responses and keep truckin!

4. Remain calm at all times, reassure him that no matter what he says to hurt you, you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to show him how much he means to you.

5. Have patience. This is a long journey which will prolly take up to 2-5 years to heal, but that you can have a better M than you ever thought possible.

6. Eventually you will need to address why you were unhappy in the M before the A, but that time will be a ways down the road. He must get through the most difficult part of the pain before he will be willing to address these issues. Until then, take the Emotional Needs questionnaire available on this site and give him one as well. If he will not fill it out, put yourself in his shoes and fill it out for him.

7. READ READ READ as much as you can here--first of Dr. Harley's articles and information and then of people on the forums. There is a wealth of knowledge here to use...

Good luck! We are here for you!

Welcome. By the way, your English is excellent.

I think it will be extra hard for you because of the machismo culture.


Bur your husband is still with you, so that makes me more hopeful. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

And to answer your question, I think Plan B would be a disaster.

Thank you believer and Resonance for your advice, you guys are awesome and really helped me a lot.
As far as being an open book for him, I have tried a lot and R you are correct he did told me that he doesn't want to know my whereabouts cause he doesn't care, he even told me not to tell him anything about what I was doing. Of course, I still tell him where am I. I understand that a lot of what he says is because he is hurt, but the problem is that I do not always take it like that. Sometimes I am very emotional and I start crying about it. I do not want to cry infront of him but I can not help it. Resonance, I am going to tell him about the plan. I did not want to let him know about the passwords of my e-mail accounts because that is the way he find out about the A. I figured he already know them. But anyway, I am just going to do it.
B... Thank you, you are very kind, although I still struggle with my English, especially the verbs.
I know, my hubby is still with us. That is why I do not loose hope. Question (to anybodo that wants to answer) Whenever I want to be with him (sexually) I let him know, sometimes he wants and sometimes he does not. The last time it happened the next day he was very angry, he did not even wanted to open the door of his bedroom, he said he wanted to be alone, that lasted for a week and a half. I do not know if that is causing him to react that way. Should I stop and wait until he comes to me? (he never does).
Thank you guys!!
B..

OOhh B....By the way, you are absolutely correct, plan B is not for us!

A..