NotreallyOK, you are getting advice from the best here In Melodylane. Follow her and you will find your way out of this!

Should I tell WW I told OMW or let her discover it on her own?

let her discover it on her own.

She will discover it very quickly on her own, I suspect. She will then call you up and make the standard threats, "I was going to work on the marriage, now I'm not," " how could you hurt the OMW like this".....blah,blah,blah, blah...... We have a list of all the standard threats, because they all say the same thing when you interfere with the affair.

Just say in response: "I am so sorry you are upset, but OMW had a right to know about the affair too." <SMILE> Don't let her ruffle you and don't try to reason with her. You cant reason with someone who uses NO REASON.

Have you informed your FIL yet? What about your MIL?

edited to add: thanks MEDC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not yet, I will when its a little later in the morning. I am on the west coast so it's still a bit early for a Saturday. Man she is going to be pissed.

Yep! But you can handle it! Your goal is to save your marriage by ruining her affair, not to avoid making her mad at all cost.

You are doing nothing wrong. THEY are doing something very wrong. The ones who have a right to be mad are you and the OMW, the VICTIMS.

I know, getting beyond the conflicting emotions is very tough. I hate hurting her, but she hurts me so.

It's done though, can't take back an email. (Well, I can, but its not going to happen. with this one)

NRO
this might help you. BTW you're doing good.


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Are you helping or hurting a crackhead when you take their crack pipe away?

When you take away the crackpipe, the only thing you hurt is the CRACK ADDICTION. It is the same here, you are only HURTING THE AFFAIR, but HELPING YOUR WIFE. You are helping your WIFE by exposing her behavior because exposure is ruinous to affairs.

She is DEGRADING herself and destroying your marriage and your mental health by having an affair. It is not "hurting" her to make her stop her destruction.

You are doing the right thing, NRO, don't allow your FEAR and your EMOTIONS to convince you otherwise. Don't allow your FEAR to take over, ok? Your FEAR is your greatest enemy. Put it aside and don't allow it to control you. That is how people lose wars.

Thanks Michele! NRO, here is the part of plan A you had previously overlooked:


The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thanks ML!

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black,
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

Notreally,

She's not going to be PO'd, she WILL be PO'd. It will be bad. Remember this though, STAY CALM NO MATTER WHAT. Whatever she says, just keep repeating YOUR truth, which is "OMW had a right to know...". Say it calmly, do not raise your voice, no sarcasism, just be the CALM IN THE STORM....

I did this and it works, for YOU. If she keeps after you, just walk away.

I'm sorry you are here BTW. This is the best place you can be, and heck, you have MEL here....she's one of the best on here....

You'll have lots to learn, tons of emotions to go through, this is a great place to come. The VETS here will help you to learn and grow, so that some sense will come from this whole mess.....

not2fun

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Other Man = OM
Other Man's Wife = OMW (not OW)

NRO,

Its a very good thing you are telling OMW to come here to MB to get support.

But, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT tell your wife or the OM about this site.

And please tell OMW to not tell them either.

Thie site is your support system and safe place. Telling them about it will be nothing but a disaster as long as they are still cheating and addicted. We have seen it fail miserably countless times.

You will want to tell them, but DON'T. You cannot educate a person in the thros of adultery. Adultery is an addiction.

One day your wife will be ready to recover the marriage, thats when you'll bring her here. Not any sooner.

Jo

Sorry you're here NRO, but you are getting good advice.

Please prepare yourself for the fallout from exposure. It is necessary, and your WW is going to flip out on you. As ML said, she's going to tell you that "she was going to work on it, but that it is OVER now!" She's going to talk about how you "betrayed her!" (that one always cracks me up!) and how she "can't trust you anymore".

You need to be ready for this and NOT react to it. You stick to your guns, remain calm, and let the fallout from exposure have it effect. Do NOT apologize to her for exposure. In fact, I would tell her that "I will always, for as long as we are married, do everything in my power to oppose and interfere in your adultery." tell her as well that "I believe in our marriage, I believe we can find a way to be happy together, and I believe I have found a plan that will help us do that. That will not ever be possible while someone else is involved in our marriage."

DO NOT leave your home, no matter what she threatens or does. If someone has to leave, allow her to leave.

Truth, strength, and honesty are on your side NRO. You are RIGHT to oppose her adultery, do not let her and her wayward tricks deflect you from that.

When she starts spewing venom at you, just let her know that you will do what it takes to end the affair and preserve your marriage and family.

NRO...

Sorry you are here, but welcome! This is an awesome place to ask questions and learn what to expect at just about every turn and twist in this horrible saga. Slight relief will come at the fact that all waywards say and do much of the same things. I recently wrote a post about it...I will link it for you here...

Inside the Wayward Mind

I hope it helps. Once you get an idea of what to expect, you should practice some of Orchid's Reverse Babble to combat the nonsense that comes out of your WW's mouth. Like Mel said...no use talking sense with an addict. I am going to add her reverse babble thread to mine now...

Hang in there NRO...have strength and courage...we will help you!

(((((((NRO)))))))

She will probably say - how could you?, I was going to work on the marriage, but now I want a divorce, you're crazy, this is the straw that broke the camel's back, it is none of your business, you went about it the wrong way, and my personal favorite - I'll never trust you again.

That is mostly what they always say. Feel free to add more.

Still no call from the OMW, I don't know how often she checks her email so it might not be until later on. (She could be raging like I did when I first found out too.)

FIL & MIL are out for the day, I don't have their cell # so I left them a message, hope they call back and I can get away for long enough to talk to them.

Any way you can call her? It will alleviate your uncertainty, which is for me at least worse than not knowing.