Good work man!

That's gonna cause a big [censored] in OM's world!

I have to say I am sorry you are here but you have been given great advice. I am going to disagree with your above statement. I think his wife is reacting fine and it may benefit you.

If his wife does know and is pissed well he is going to have to expend a lot of energy kissing some serious butt. You did the right thing by informing her of the affair.

Another thing never and I mean never accept blame for telling her about the affair. Your wife will blame you for that. She is sleeping with her husband she was the one who is to blame.

I guess there seems to be two kids of people. The people that want to remain married at any cost and those that do not. His wife may not know what she wants but he may have to dump your wife if he hopes to see much of his kids.

Also he is sleeping with your wife with no consequences before how was that working for you? If you would have done nothing he would still get to sleep with your wife and there is nothing you could do about it. It would just make the two of them closer but now he might dump your wife.

If you can get him to dump your wife you can have a chance to save your marriage if you choose. Stop being a doormat. I feel bad for people like you who after catching their spouse they continue to cheat. Another thing your wife has been sleeping with this guy a long time count on it.

My XWife denied her affair until I showed some of the video of them together. Now in her case we had talked years earlier and both agreed that if one of us slept with another person that we would divorce the other. I know she lied because she probably did not want to divorce. What I am getting at is she will be lying to you about what she has done count on it. We are divorced because I decided too and when my wife thought she was going to lose me she turned into a different person, a better person. Didn't change my mind but for me being a doormat would have made things worse.

Good luck, this stuff really bites.

I am struggling right now. I am trying to give WW some space to figure out what she wants to do. She says she's leaning towards staying with me, but she also said that "doing the SAA recovery stuff with OM would be easier" that cut to the bone.

Hurt once again.

NRO,

This is fogspeak/wayward babble. I advise you to learn about it and learn to guard your heart against it. Also, when this happens, DO NOT RESPOND TO HER until you learn Reverse Babble (it's somewhere on here....I'll try to find it...). Also, come on here to do the venting....it keeps you from Love Busting her and helps you to get it out.

You are still early/new at this, so keep your chin up. You are getting some of the best advice around...( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />..ya I'm talking to you Mel....), so don't worry. Some days it will seem hopeless, and others, you will feel like a million bucks...

Take it from me...I'm a BS only 3 1/2 months removed from Dday, and just NOW finally got my Plan A down good. I'm gearing up for Plan B. Post here often. It'll will help in SO many ways.....trust me....I'm pretty sure I would be in D court by now if I hadn't taken the steps to post here and get help.

Keep your chin up and chest out....

from one NOT to another....

not2fun

ps...I bumped up the "BS be still" thread....this will help you in your situation....it took me awhile to "get" it, but once you do,,,,its amazing....

NRO,

ok, I found the Babble thread. I bumped it for you (not really computer literate...not sure how to link threads yet....). Anyway, it is titled "Orchid...tell us how you Babbled back"....this will help you. It will also show you how "unoriginal" the WS's are....

not2fun

n2f thanks,

Some other things were said last night, being scared about OM getting a divorce and WW just running off I said some things I shouldn't have but I am learning.

My self worth right now is absolutely in the toilet. However I was told that OM probably won't get a divorce, that likely OMW will threaten and move out for a couple of weeks. (I think she already has) She is psycho and I am concerned for WW's safety.

WW found out today from OM, and she wasn't as pissed as I thought she would be. She has been reading SAA, but she's in deep depression (can't eat much, having problems sleeping) but doesn't want drugs to help.

I am normally a very patient person, I'm having a lot of trouble and anxiety with this however. I so disparately want WW back, but she's so infatuated with him that she's not thinking straight. She told me that "you were meeting all my needs before this started" and I just nodded, I don't think she understands that I couldn't have been.

NRO, her infatuation will go away once contact ends. And contact will end sooner if you disrupt the affair and cause as much conflict as possible. That means having your in-laws speak to her. That means getting ahold of the OMW. That means confronting the OM and asking him what his intentions are.

Why is she so upset? Has the OM dumped her?


Ask her to not say such hurtful, cruel things to you. She must be told how hurtful this is to you, NRO.

Thanks ML, I am certain the OMW knows now, OM sent an text to WW saying so. OMW isn't helping at the moment however, she's still raging and is likely to do so for a bit of time. OM not seeing his kids though may take it's toll.

I don't think the OM has dumped her as of yet. When I ask why she's so upset it's because she misses OM. I have asked (demanded at the time actually, but that was a mistake I made in my rage) that she not contact him. I think she's trying, but I don't believe she is doing a great job at it.

What she is trying to 'decide' is if living with the thought of never seeing him again is ok. It's the whole soul-mate WS babble thing that is so hard to get through. My therapist told me yesterday that I was doing right, and to give her a little space and time. (Stick to Plan A)

As far as hurtful things, WW has always been a bit vindictive. She goes on the offense as a defense mechanism and anything that she can use to hurt she will. I am surprised she isn't the one in my shoes after reading what I have actually.

I haven't been sleeping well, but have been trying to be back in bed with her before her alarm goes off each morning. This morning was the first since D-Day that I felt she actually was happy waking up next to me.

She told me last night that it was ok if I needed to have sex with her, that she understands it's one of my needs. I said thanks, but I have been holding off because it's not as enjoyable to me if she's not involved too. (AKA, I don't want a live love doll I want my wife)

This has been emotionally draining, it was really good to talk to someone yesterday, and you all have been great. I will talk to FIL/MIL about talking to WW, I imagine they will without me asking the next chance they get. I have grown terribly weary of the "everything's ok" charade over the past 2 years. It's time to break the glass.

NRO, I agree with giving her a LITTLE TIME, but you should give her NO SPACE. That will only harm you. In order to rebuild love you will have to be close to her, not apart. Your job is to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. The more conflict, the faster it will die.


When she says this, tell her: "I am not willing to stay in a marriage with 3 people. It is much too painful. Our marriage only has room for 2 people."



Agree it is time to break the glass. Pretending everything is ok has only ENABLED her affair. Your FIL could have a powerful impact on this affair if he would speak to your W and the OM. Does your W know yet that her parents know? If your FIL does not speak to her real quick, I would make sure she knows they know.

I agree that you should really investigate what your FIL might be able to do to help. Since he's in the same company, he might know just the right person to talk to to bring pressure on OM. This could be much more effective than a letter to the HR dept.

Perhaps your FIL is friends with OM's boss? Or even further up the chain? Such a friend might not appreciate hearing that OM is messing with his friends daughter and participating in destroying a family.

WW knows FIL/MIL know something is up. I don't think she knows they know entirely. (I have told her that I told them just not certain that it sunk in).

She may be trying to avoid the issue, I have suggested she go talk to MIL several times and she gives me the same WS babble I have been getting for a week. ("if I go talk to her and I get a divorce I will feel really bad") She is so horribly lost right now I don't know how much is getting through to her.

Most of what I am doing is just Loving her trying to not do anything to her to make her angry. (Which includes 'controlling' her..) and trying to completely avoid Love Busters.

I am also trying to make sure I do the things I know OM can't. (I cook dinner all the time, he can't cook etc.)

I am still having a tough time this morning. WW was so affectionate this morning, but when I say that I liked it/it felt good she completely ignores me.

I am starting to think she feels guilty for having feelings for *ME* and not OM. Like she is already married to OM and I am the one she is having an A with. It's so weird the way her mind seems to be working right now.

I have this sinking feeling that with OMW out of the house for a while that they will start to see each other much more regular. Scares me to death, and frustrates me that the OMW isn't doing anything at all.

NRO,

Lets make this easy on you....here are the 3 rules to Plan A

1. meet any EN's WS will allow

2. Advoid Love Busters (do you know what these are??? This was actually more important in my case than meeting the EN's....you stated that she said you were meeting her EN's before this...Maybe your biggest problem was controlling your love busters....read up on those...)

3. NO EXPECTATIONS...

You are still pretty new at this, so you will make mistakes. You are only human. If you keep these 3 rules in your head it makes it easier to remember....

And keep re-reading the "Be Still"...my Plan A didn't really start to soar until I learned this trait. I can't remember how long ago DDay was for you, but if it was recently then it is harder to "be still". YOur emotions and the pain is still pretty raw....but you'll get, and when you do its like a light switch going off...

Keep up the good work...oh and advoid all marriage/relationship/affair talk. It's too draining for both of you....

not2fun

Yeah, D-Day has been a little over a week. "Be Still".. is very hard. I had to go for a drive last night after I had a small outburst that I shouldn't have had. I apologized and said I would be back in an hour and went and cooled off. Raw doesn't even start to describe what I am right now.

I am avoiding the A talk as much as I can. WW is reading SAA so sometimes it's a little tough when she wants to ask questions, or make a statement. She came home yesterday and flat out told me "if I stay I want to get a Dog" I just said ok. but the "if I stay" stuff is what hurts the most.

ARe you agreeable to a dog? Did she get your agreement?

I am, it's something we have been talking about for a long time. I would love one, and have been wanting one for several years.

I did agree, I just don't know if it really sunk in. She's not herself (as you all know). She keeps saying that she's leaning towards staying, but it looks like it pains her so, I am being strong and it's tough for me to not be emotional when she is hurting. (I am one of those types of guys, very devoted to my wife and hurt when she does regardless of what causes the hurt.. I'm growing through it a bit though)

Where would she go and why would she go? I would not let her know that you are so scared of her leaving or she will use that knowledge to manipulate you. Do you know that?

You have very good points there ML. Deep down I know she's saying these things to hurt me/punish me I guess. They do hurt but I am not letting them punish. I keep yelling at myself YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! and it seems to work most of the time.

If she goes to FIL/MIL OM definitely won't be welcome, and she'll probably catch flak every time she leaves the house. The only other place she could go would be a Hotel, but I don't think she would go there for long.

Thanks for being so tough on me. I need it.

The next time she threatens you with leaving, tell her that you will understand if she feels a need to leave even though you don't want her to leave. But let her know that HER leaving might be the BEST OPTION for you if she canno end her affair because your marriage cannot survive 3 people. Tell her you cannot live with his HURT for much longer.

This affair has been going on now for almost 2 years, NRO. That is a very long time to endure this abuse from her. I would let her know that this cannot last. It is probably a good idea to start investigating plan B, a seperation, if she will not end her affair.

ALSO, say something to her liek this: "I know you have been thinking about moving out, what did you have in mind exactly?"

See, I think that a frank discussion about this might shine some much needed REALITY into her foggy thinking. If you start talking about SPECIFICS, ie: how will she pay for a place, etc it might wake her up a bit. Be sure and let her know that you a) won't be her "friend," [you are her HUSBAND, after all] and that you won't FINANCE her move.

She needs to know that you will not make it EASY and you won't just lay down and be her "friend" if she screws you over.