Hello all, I'm a newbie but have been reading for about a month. I have been married for less than 2 years and my hubbie and I just had our first child, a boy in Jan. He started having an affair in Sept, when I was 6 months pregnant. I found out for sure just after Christmas and (for the third time) confronted him with good evidence. He agreed to end it and that we would work on our relationship, and we have. Two weeks ago I got our phone bill and he was still talking to her, text messages like crazy - about 20 a day. He said "we are just friends now" but agreed to end the friendship.
He had plans with friends last night for weeks so he asked if he could still go, I said sure - I don't want to feel I have to keep him prisoner and feel for my own sanity I needed to trust him, and he promised (yet again) it was over and he would be home early.
Well at 2:00 when our son got up he wasn't home, I figured I'd give him 15 mins to get home before getting concerned - his friends rent from us and weren't home yet either. So inbetween nursing and a diaper change I got my phone and had several calls and messages from my friend. The other woman was at the bar, he talked to her periodically. Then he left with his friend to go to a bar down the street - she stayed. However my friend watched her leave the bar, walk to where he was and wait for him and walked out together with their arms around each other. This was at 1:30. He got home at 3.

We got in to a fight and went to bed. This morning he said he left the bar to be sick (great guy right?) and happened to run in to her (this place is on her way home from the other place). He maintains they are friends, he just wanted to walk her home, ended up getting sick that's why it took so long.
So where to go from here... I'm lost. Separation won't work b/c he has nowhere to go and if he goes to her it would be over, so I think once we get there we're done. My friend told be the details today, and he is running so I haven't confronted him about her actually waiting for him outside.

Am I an idiot if I give him another chance? Am I right to confront her? My friend confronted her last night and she said "He He I'm just so drunk, there's nothing going on, we're just friends he hehehehe... I can't help myself, he told me he wants nothing to do with me but I just can't help myself, he's hot."

I do feel better knowing that all of our friends know now. Before last night no one knew except my fam, his sister (a good friend of mine) and a few friends.

Kinda long, sorry. I have about 2 hours before he gets home from his race.

Your WH can no longer have any contact with his AP if your marriage is to survive and you are to feel safe. You need to calmly, but firmly communicate this to him.

Everything your WH said about just happening to run in to her and just wanting to walk her home and just being sick are probably all lies. Prepare yourself for the likely truth that they were physically intimate.

Ask your friends to help keep your WH away from the OW. If he's going out with friends, I think you should be going out with him.

Don't trust him. And he should not be free to go out to bars alone, as you can see. He is not trustworthy.

Ask him to write her a no contact letter, and see what he says. It should say the affair was a huge mistake, that he loves you and wants to remain married. And that he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason.

If he refuses, you can assume the affair is still on-going.

I hope you realize you have a great friend. There are a lot of people out there that wouldn't get involved. Is this a female or a male friend? Is it a mutual friend of both you and WH? Did this friend go out with your WH or just happened to be at the same bar as WH? Does your WH know that this friend called you?

I am fairly confident that it was a planned meeting after several beers - as drunk as he was he possibly wasn't intimate that night but at this point I don't think it matters to me - just that its over. We are going to talk tonight when he gets home from work.
Thanks for the idea about the letter - I'm going to suggest that. I can't believe she won't leave him alone - yes he's a big boy and can say no - but it certainly isn't helping that she won't respect his wishes.
I do realize I have a great friend - female friend who's in our group of friends. Some of our other friends initially encouraged her not to say anything but then eventually supported her in making the call. He does know that she called me (she approached him when he was just talking to her and asked what he was doing) - that night he said "now you're having people spying on me." I replied no, we live in a small town and you left the bar with OW in front of our friends. Sometimes I think he's not very bright. All of our friends go to the same bar - its 2 blocks from our house and is our place - we used to go together before I was pregnant.
I really want to say something to her - she has a job where she's held to high moral standards as a role model for students- ergh - fighting my own inner demons - gosh I never realized the spiteful things I was capable of (at least thinking) until this. I have horrible thoughts about ruining her reputation.

Have you read the material on this site about how to end an affair? Please do so, today, so that you will be armed with the preferred method of how to handle this. There are many steps he will have to take to prove his intentions. You will have to set boundaries and consequences for him not abiding by them. The No Contact letter, as has been discussed; and he needs to hand over all his phone records, text records, computer passwords. Get him into counseling if you can. Stuff like that. And remember that what he says right now cannot be trusted until he has her out of his system. If it turns out they're not really calling it off, you will have to expose the affair to a bigger circle of people - more friends and family, possibly even including her work, if it somehow touches him via the affair.

Don't do anything to ruin her reputation, though; she'll do that on her own. You want to remain the reason he would want to come home. Take the high road, and show him that YOU are the one with morals and worth fighting for.

I agree with the other posters...you need to be prepared that what he is telling you are all lies.

The No Contact letter is a start. Then he needs to make sure that they don't have contact again. I know that it's hard in a small town...but if he is committed to your marriage, he will do what he has to.

Don't go after her even though it's what you want to do. I found a great quote that explains it...it won't help your marriage and it may actually make your H less willing to work on the marriage with you.

"Vengeance is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Read the site...Plan A sounds like where you are. Stay strong. You can get through this. And even if you end up having to end the marriage, you will survive. Look at your baby and decide you can do this.

Thanks for all the great tips - hopefully this will put us off to a better start (third attempt). Fortunately the cell phones are in my name - so I'm the only one with access to them - thats how I found out in the first place. I don't know what the text messages said - just when they were sent - it really boils my blood that he text messaged her when I was in labor - he was sitting right next to me!!! I think marriage counseling has to happen - now our son is old enough that I could leave him (I think;) for a couple hours a week.
I know that getting even with her will do nothing for me - I feel confident I can fight that urge. The cat is out of the bag and people know now so I feel better- when I had suspicions I was seen as the needy, paranoid, hormonal pregnant wife by our friends - now they know.
I've been preparing myself to end the marriage if things don't work out. I know it will be hard - but I have the support and have realized that there are no soul mates and my happiness does not depend on him.As bad as this was to deal with while pregnant (I was put on bedrest right before xmas) I think it has gotten me through it.

Oh, and make sure you thank your friend for telling you, thank the others for helping her tell you (even if they didn't want to; they don't have to know that you know). And then ask them all to keep helping you by keeping tabs on him for your marriage's sake (not yours, but the marriage's). They'll appreciate being appreciated and included.