Hi all

I am broken. Back to d-day all over again. I just discovered that WW has just started a new relationship with another man. Its in the early stages but I know this for a fact. I can't breathe. By following the plans I was led to believe that her leaving was all about the A and that with that over and NC she would want to come home.

She was deeply 'in love' with OM but I must believe now that there has been NC since christmas like he told me. WW has always said that she was unhappy and OM was just the catalyst to help her realize she could'nt ignore her unhappiness and longer. She has made it plain that even though things didn't work out that she is definitely not ever returning to the M. She cares deeply for me and wants to do anything to help me but she must go her owm way.

She has agreed to 50/50 split of everything. How can I say she is in a fog. She is very rational and clear that she just doesn't love me anymore and wants a new life. My situation from the beginning always seemed different to me in so far as she told me about OM and moved straight out and into her cousins house.

How do I deal with this pain. I've led myself to believe that she would return when she got through WD but this is not the case. I wish I didn't still love her but I do. She's all I've ever known since I was 15. It's like losing a wife, sister and bestfriend all in one. It seems she just wants to be single now and live a different life. How could she go through 3 men in 9 months? Me, OM and now the new guy whom she's known for awhile and never had much time for?

I am in a sad way. We moved to australia for a better life and now I find myself stuck here with no family or single friends just mutual friends who are tired of this.

Well?

Well - The MB plan usually works, but you have to realize that by the time people post here, things are desperate.

You are a good man and have done all possible to save your marriage. But that doesn't mean your wife is reachable. Hang in there, and give this more time.

You should be making a good life for YOURSELF so you come out okay, even if she chooses to throw it all away.

Apparently she just wants to experience real love. Thats what she told me a few months back.

Do you have any kids? How old are you both? How long have you been together? I ask because from what you have said your story sounds a lot like my first marriage, which ended in divorce.

I was only 25 when I got divorced and had been with my first husband since I was 16. We didn't have any kids and I wanted to go out and party and he didn't. I met someone and I left my husband.

The only time I thought about wanting to go back to my husband was when I would hear that he was dating someone and he looked good and looked happy. I know that sounds pathetic and has nothing to do with MB. It was just my experience and for some reason my first marriage came to mind when I read your post.

I am 32 she is 30. We have 1 Son nearly 3. Married 1999 together since 1991.

lack of character, that's how

What you have said about your wife and being together for a long time starting when you were teens is very similar to my first marriage, with one big difference you have a child. IMO once you have a child you can no longer be selfish and you have to put your childs well being first.

The only advice I have is to do a very good short Plan A, followed by a very good Plan B letter and Plan B. If she is already onto a second OM she may realize soon that what she is looking for does not exist with OM and if you have done a good Plan A she may start to see you as the person who can meet her needs that she is trying to fill with OM. Also, I did not like turning 30 at all. I don't like to use this term, but could she be having a sort of mid-life crisis? You know afraid that she is missing out on something and life is passing her by.

I am in Plan B. I did 6 months of Plan A. Seperated june 07. She wasn't sure at the start but since Aug has told me its over and isn't coming back. I thought that would change with NC but now she has OM2

Sorry I didn't know you had already done Plan A. I know this isn't easy but you need to try and find what makes you happy. Focus on being the best you can for you and your son. She probably will one day regret making this choice, but it may be a long way off and you probably won't want her back anymore.

Hi Vladie,

I'm sorry to hear this my friend and know this is like a punch to your gut...like you needed more.

Even though your WW may seem rational her actions are portraying a completely different persona. Does it seem rational to throw away your marriage or time with your one and only son to seek "real love" with a stranger? She has no idea what real love is instead she is seeking a feeling that she has confused with real love.

It's all about the feeling she gets with the OM and whether it is with this current OM or the next (if she chooses to be so self indulged), she will one day discover she screwed up. I can’t tell you when that will happen only that it will when she has completely removed herself from the fog she has immersed herself in. She is looking for something that will perpetually elude her if she doesn’t deal with her inner issues.

The principles here do work even though it doesn’t always conclude in a recovered marriage.

Hang in their my friend.

HTW

It's really common for relationships created in your teens to have problems later, because you've done all your growing up together, with no time in there for individuals to learn themselves on their own. It's all about compromises. So a teenage girl often subjugates her feelings for the good of the relationship. Later, after she's had some adult living under her belt, she wonders if this is really what she would have chosen if she hadn't been busy making the relationship work. Not saying that's your W, but possible. You might discuss it with her.

At any rate, you can work on yourself, and it will go a long way toward making you look more attractive to her, as someone posted upthread. Are you exercising? Have hobbies? Playing sports? Getting involved with your son's activities? If you are not doing these things, if every time she comes around you and you look miserable or needy or sad or 'I'll do anything' - she just won't be interested. It's just human nature not to want what you can get, and to desire what you can't. Get your own life, make it a good one, and keep reading here and elsewhere to make yourself the best husband material you can be. Once she starts getting a taste of the Cretans out there, and realizes how much better it really was with you, you'll have a better shot. But you have to start by getting your life in good shape. If you've already done all this, then just sit tight and keep showing her how good of a catch you are. Let her get her taste of freedom out of her system and be patient.

We will be signing LSA in the next week. I am feeling very hopless. This LSA has been dragging on for ages so my Dad called her and she agreed to sign everything. He said unless your coming back this needs to be finalised. She said no she wasn't coming back. He also said I was devestated and she is all concern for me. She is really sorry and wants me to be ok.

WW seems to think we were young when married and she has a sense of freedom. I was told this was fog babble but am beginning to wonder. Does anyone know of any stories where WW left and said OM was catalyst and when that didn't work went on to new OM?

Does anyone hold any hope for my situation? Please be honest. I think my situation is really unique. Looking back I think I should have went to Plan B 6 months ago when she wasn't so sure of herself?

Does the fact that she knows I am devestated make the situation worse?

I don't think I have any hope left. The more I think about it this is exactly what she wants. She was never comfortable at home looking after DS full time and couldn't wait to go to work where she could escape and be a different person, the person she is today. She was trapped at home but felt guilty about putting DS in day care.

So now she has it all. She has DS only half the time and is free to be the person she is in work all the time. Free and easy.

What possible motive would she have to return?

I'm new to MB and I don't really have any advice, I'm sorry. I actually got called out by Mr. Wondering for my prior posts to you and I want to apologize if I in any way added to your feeling of hopelessness. I can sense the desperation in your posts and just wanted to let you know people are reading your posts. Have you tried phone counseling with the Harley's to come up with a plan for you at this point?

Being devastated probably doesn't help matters, not that I haven't been there myself. But if you think about it, did she start going out with you because you were devastated and "just had to have her"? Probably not. Think back to what things were like when you started going out and first got together, you were probably charming, confident, stood up for yourself, etc... try being that person. And if it doesn't work on her, it will surely make you feel better than you do today.

Yes I know. I was getting much stronger but the news of OM#2 really knocked me over. At christmas she admitted to still being 'in love' with OM#1. I assumed they were still in contact but obviously not.

Thoughts?

From the sounds of it she's "sowing her wild oats" Not everyone goes through that phase thank goodness... but from the sounds of it she is... it will pass, in the meantime make yourself the best dad and man you can. She may look back and see that she's making a mess of her life and you could be the solid alternative to her new lifestyle. Jeesh, wish I could take my own advise!

myfamilyilove - you don't sound as though you are ready to "give up" yet, despite the ongoing enormous pain you are feeling. If that is so, are you ready to "Fight the War" even though you ARE hurting?



Pardon me for minute, I have to run into the outback and barf.

This is a self-serving lie that she is using to rationalize what she is CHOOSING to do and to try to garner sympathy for her and the "mess of her own creation." IF there was one shred of truth in it, she would be home working on restoring love and the marital relationship. Please understand a lie for what it is and WHY she is lying.


Get an attorney involved, if you have not done so yet, to make certain of two things, 1)that the LSA is in your favor, not hers and 2)that you prepare to sue for divorce on the basis of CAUSE, for multiple adulteries.

Yes, I know you won't want to. That's why I want you to have your attorney "do the talking for you." But one thing you want to push for is complete and sole custody of your child. She has abandoned you and the child and is not fit to be a mother.

This is WAR. If you love you child and want to win the war, then it is past time that your wife begin to understand that there are very real consequences to her actions. Her joke of a search of "real love" needs to be exposed for what it is, just another rationalization for being an adulteress.

Here is a truth that she needs to learn, and you are going to have to be the one to begin the "education:" If the "grass is greener" in someone else's yard, you can be sure the water bill is higher.

Cancel all joint accounts and credit cards. Move all of your money into a new account that only you have access to. Separate everything you can from her. It won't be easy because you still love her, but it is something that you MUST do because either she will wake up and choose to attempt real recovery or you will wind up divorced even if that is not what you want. Either way, right now, you can only trust her to do what she wants to do and what she thinks is in her interest to do. Protect yourself and your child.

Do it now.

When she sees you "moving on" you will become more attractive to her.....you can't fake this "moving on"....focus on yourself, and you will help yourself "move on" more efficiently.

It was when I really knew things were fine, and stopped worrying about what life was going to be like without her, that I became more attractive to my wife....it takes time and a concerted effort to heal your self-confidence. That truly creates the best opportunity for reconciliation, but it just happens to coincide with the time at which you may or may not care that much about reconciliation.

Godspeed!
MWIL