Vladie - I hope you read FH's post to you over and over - he is dead right.

Thanks for the replies.

FH - LSA is ready to be signed. 50/50 custody and half equity in the house. I have no hope for full custody here as 'fault' doesn't come into it. I am getting a very good deal. Solicitor said she intitled to 60/40.

I realise that if she cared that much she would be home. She's been gone since june 07. I feel she wants me to ease her pain a bit.

She fell hard for OM#1 and really thought it was all about him. If it was wouldn't she want to be home now??? Why choose OM#2. Unfortunately he is 27 and single so maybe that will work out? Thats what worries me.

MWIL - I understand that I need to move on but what if she sees that and is happy for me? She said something like that to a friend before christmas, when I knew OM#1 was doomed so I thought she would be back. She said "see BS is happy now and it all worked out for the best". So is that really the way to get her back?

I suppose a DARK Plan B is all I have left??? As MWIL posted on HTW thread Plan B will work or it will work. I am trying to remember that but I am scared. Real scared.

Any other suggestions?

Vladie, you are receiving some great advice here so please try to use it for your benefit. People have gone through what you are experiencing and come out the other end learning a great deal about themselves and relationships.

You will find doing what feels awkward or wrong is what will work for you and that includes going very dark.

Get that LSA signed and draw the blinds down on your marriage. They should only be raised when your WW agrees to meet your conditions.

I know it seems hopeless now, we have been there my friend, but I have also seen things change when I thought they were finished for good. There are some truly amazing stories here where people have experienced the worst that life has to offer only to succeed when they stick to the plans.

When MWIL said plan B will either work or it will work I didn't understand what he meant at the time...I do now!
See you are having trouble seeing the forest from the trees right now, I understand and that is why are trying to guide you in the right direction.


Can you see how her relationships with OMs are doomed for failure based on what you have stated above? She thought OM1 was the one and now it's OM2. How long before she realizes the path to her happiness is from within and not from OM. Usually this takes time and if you can begin to focus on you instead of her during your Plan B you will be in a better position should she have second thoughts.

I also noticed that my FWW's fog began to clear when my confidence returned and she sensed that I was moving on with my life. This is where you want to get during Plan B.



What she really meant to say was BS is still pining over me and will wait for me as my friend while I get to play and be free with no consequences. WS are too selfish to be happy for a BS. Sure they may babble this along with countless other senseless remarks, however it usually eats them up inside when they see the BS happy again.
She needs the consequences now….a very dark Plan B.

Thanks HTW you've been great.

Bumping for Melodylane

Hi Melody. I would really love to get your assesment if you have time. You have seen it all on these boards and I really value your opinion.

Thanks

Vladie, you are getting such great advice from ForeverHers and Hopethisworks, that I have nothing to add. They gave you great advice. One of the reasons you are in such despair is because you have not been in a dark plan B. That is something I would change if I were you. Go dark and stick to your plan!

Well folks nothing much to report.

My parents left last weekend so its back to just me. Haven't spoken to WW in about 3 weeks. She still texts me but I ignore them. The best on was

"hi how is DS? Do you want to do something with DS and I easter sunday like go to park? I thinkif you can we should do important family stuff for DS. Think about it. It bridges the gap if we appear friends. His bday isimportant we do it together. Let me know what you think?"

Then the day my parents were due to leave I get "hi are you ok?"
Then another one like that a few days later. All quiet for the last few days.

I have no idea what she is doing and don't care. I will have to see her at the exchange tonight but I refuse to talk even then. I don't even look her in the eye.

Why does she sent these messages? Its clear she doesn't want to return to the marriage so I just don't get it.

Keep up the Plan B.

Did you send her a Plan B letter?

Could you find and intermediary to exchange your child so you do not have to see your WW?

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

Hopefully the wise ones will help you out.

Best wishes,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sorry about all your pain. I know exactly how it feels. My ww gives me the same impression too, that she's not in the fog, and seems to know exactly what she wants, and " it's not me, nor the marriage".

And that perhaps with or without OM(s)in her life won't come back to the marriage. But one thing I know for sure, just as someone mentionned to you before, the only thing that gets their attention is "you looking like you're moving on". All of a sudden you look interesting, puzzling, like a man with a purpose, with a goal, which makes you attractive again.

My ww treats me like crap, won't make any effort toward the marriage, but check this out, I have a class I take at church on wednesday, it's about helping me cope & move on. But Everytime I get home from that class, she always seems down and disturbed, a glass of wine next to her, AND the MB book LOVE BUSTERS next to her. Funny because, I begged her to read the MB books, she won't touch them, won't read them, doesn't want anything to do with them, except on wednesday, every Wednesday that is. You get it. That means she knows what I do on wednesday, which is learning how to move on. Someway, Somehow, that has a tremendous impact on her, and gets her off balance.

Furthermore remember, moving forward will help you regardless of whether or not she comes back.

I know it's easier said than done. I'm in the same boat myself and I'm presently struggling with it. I feel your pain. I will keep you and all BS in prayer that one day we'll get to enjoy life like it's meant to be.

God bless!

Thanks Sco. Ya my WW definitely gives impression that she's toatally not in a fog - just living her own life.....

I'm going back home - overseas for my sisters wedding in June and am taking DS with me. So WW askes me what date I going as she wants to go 3 weeks before with DS and we can then exchange and DS stays with me for 3 weeks. She emails me about helping her book flights etc so I just replied 'book your own flights'

She has some twisted view that we are still a family??? She just doesn't seem to get that I want nothing to do with her unless she meets conditions of PBL. She emailed me yesterday asking if I could take off my sunglasses during the exchange as its very cold for DS!

What a bunch of crap! I can't wait to go pitch black but don't want to jeperdize the good deal I'm getting in LSA. She still got all her enablers around her saying the least Vladie could do is spend some time with you and DS and have a joint birthday etc. Her family it looks like have been poisoned against me too as I haven't heard from them since I sent a copy of PBL to them in january.

Only for DS I think I would really be looking forward to meeting a good woman who truly loves ME!

Any thoughts are appreciated

Our MB men always do just fine, so don't fear. But you need to take your time and finish what you started.

Your Plan B needs to be much darker. Protect your heart, Vladie.

Let time be your friend....Continue doing things that you know you've enjoyed before. A new normal will be defined, and you'll step back and say "Hey....I'm OK....I really am OK!!!" And in a rather rapid fashion, your anger, shock, disbelief, and denial, will turn into hope, anticipation, relaxation, acceptance, and yes, indifference to the questions you are asking now...like "why is she acting like this" or "why is she.....?" They will be replaced with, "That's just my ex." or "I really don't care..." and your focus will immediately shift to some mundane thing occurring in your life, without much effort....

.....All of the above is called healing.....much of it involves time....it has to...but you can create a better atmosphere of healing, by deep introspection of yourself....your purpose...and then taking the bull by the horns and tackling life!

MWIL

Thanks MWIL. Yes time is a great healer. I find myself thinking that I will be fine no matter what happens. I'm starting to really concentrate on myself and DS. This weekend we went down the gold coast and stayed in aunit on the beach. DS had a ball of a time. Building sand castles and swimming etc. Its just so important that I have fun with him and he associates being with me with having a great time.

I find myself thinking less about WW. A few times I thought wouldn't it be great if she were here with us but then I started to look at other families and mothers with the kids and started thinking I can find someone 10 times better than WW and maybe that if why all this happened. We really have little in common.

Maybe this means I really am moving on? I don't really care what she's doing now and if she does come crawling back then while I can say that I would listed to what she had to say, I couldn't guarantee what I'd actually do. Not that there's any sign of that anyway.

She sent another text saying we should be together for DS's birthday and suggested an outing and said just remember it's for DS. I didn't respond. I have no intention of doing anything with her. Like she expects me to pretend for 1 day to ease her guilt. No way!

Also I got a text from her brother in Ireland out of the blue today saying when I get there in july we can have a few games of golf. I haven't heard from him in 6 months and the last I heard from him he was accusing me of making up the whole affair! So I don't know what thats about?

So feeling good at the moment, I still wish everything could be back the way it was but am starting to realise that its maybe not possible and I'm becoming ok with that.

Thanks all for your continued support

MFIL
I understand your feelings on not wanting the ex to "play" the family act, etc. I also understand your ex needing "assistance" to buy airline tickets, etc.

My ex is much the same way. I still go over there and "fix" things, help her purchase items she needs for her new home, and even tell her where and what she needs to file her taxes. To me, this is unbelieveable that the woman could be that dependent on me???

But, since the kids are impacted, I have patience and empathy and just do it. My plan is to give her some time to acclamate herself to single life, or find another man to take care of her.

I guess my point is, Plan B is great if you still have part of your heart to protect but , if you can bear it, being helpful, pleasant, etc with ex and involved in common DS activities together is better if you can stomach it.

This is just my feeling and I really am curious as to what MelodyLane or other MB experts think

Grind

The whole purpose of Plan B is to seperate me completely from WW and allow myself to heal. Any contact with her is bad my recovery. Also if there is any chance for the M then she needs to live the reality of her life without me in it. This is all her doing and she needs to realise that. I am not going to ease her guilt at my expense.

I forgot to mention also that when I dropped DS back to WW I told him he could tell her all about our weekend at the beach. WW then said "why don't you tell me about it". I just said goodbye to DS and left.

Oh and I heard something that could possibly mean that OM#2 was just bait to see if I would call her out on it. Don't know if thats true as I haven't checked the myspace since and have no intention of it.

Just curious as to why she might do this? and why she still has urge to keep contacting me even though she has been told repeatedly that we will never be friends outside of marriage.

The whole purpose of Plan B is to seperate me completely from WW and allow myself to heal. Any contact with her is bad my recovery. Also if there is any chance for the M then she needs to live the reality of her life without me in it. This is all her doing and she needs to realise that. I am not going to ease her guilt at my expense.

I am sorry, you and I are in totally different places. It was just a question / thought that I had when reading your situation.

I do have couple comments about above.
I. Purpose of Plan B is to protect your heart from hardening due to loss of more "Love Bank" units, I believe. Or this is my understanding. This is so you still have a "heart" to give her if the decision is made for her to return to the marriage relationship under boundries implemented by you.

II. Obviously, you are not responsible for the affair. However, I am sure there are things you were doing prior which could be changed to better meet the needs of your ex. Comments like "she needs to realize that" and "I am not going to ease her guilt" do not sound like very loving statements.

In the end, she will get what's due to her with consequences much greater than here on earth. The resentment and anger you feel can do nothing other than drive you crazy, make the children feel awkward, etc. Let it go.

In general, stop trying to figure her out. My ex still does things in which she tries to mess with me for no real reason.

Last week was my b-day and she told me yesterday "Sorry, I forgot to call to wish you a Happy B-day". Then she gave me a "Brithday hug".(GAG) I told her "That's OK, I didn't think about you on my b-day either, so I must have forgot about it too" and laughed.

IMHO, people who have these affairs are so incapable of meeting or trying to meet anyone's needs but their own, they are pitiful and I truly feel sorry for them in that they can not fully experience the beauty of love.

You've asked why MB princles are not working for you, are you sure you are following MB princles?

Did you give your wife a plan B letter?

From what I have read Plan B means no contact with your wife, no texts, no seeing her to drop off your son, no contact.

I have posted to you before about how I see similarities between your wife's behavior and myself in my first marriage. And I was thinking about why MB hasn't worked for you when I realized that my husband in my first marriage never Plan B'd me, he was always there when I wanted to talk or needed help.

I wonder if he had Plan B'd me if it might have changed things.

I do know that when I heard he was getting married again my heart stopped and I think it was then that it finally hit me that we would never be together again. Like I have said before, I was young and stupid, I think that at that time I thought I could go out and play around and then when I was done he would still be there. I am telling you this because I wonder if your wife is thinking this way?

As far was for why she would play this game with you about OM#2. Well if her thinking is as messed up as mine was when I was young, she may be mistaking love and infatuation. What I mean is she may not understand that you love her if you are not acting jealous and possesive and pursuing her. I am not saying you should do any of that, I am just trying to help you understand how messed up some people's thinking can get. Bascially I think she is playing games because she is just immature and does not understand what real love is. It sounds like she wants to go play, but wants to make sure you will still be there when she is done playing.

grindnfool, the reason for Plan B is exactly as you have quoted from Dr. Harley. It is all about protecting the remaining love you have for your WS since by the time Plan B comes around there really is usually little left in the BS’s $LB. This is usually not apparent until well into Plan B and after the adrenalin of a grueling Plan A wears off.

Therefore the only way Plan B is effective is by going very dark so that the BS knows very little about the WS's activities. Every email, text message or voice mail will only stir up negative feelings for the WS and drain the $LB even further.

In my experience it is very difficult to perform a dark Plan B while maintaining "loving" feelings for the WS. Part of shutting them out of your life and preparing for a future without the WS involves a change of mind set from trying to meet all their EN's to meeting absolutely none.

It is not Vladie's role to help assuage his WW's guilt while in Plan B and I completely understand what he means by this statement. Remember that guilt is like kryptonite to the WS and they will try to escape it using whatever manner is at their disposal, from justifying and rationalizing their actions to seeking a "friendly" relationship with the BS. If they are to become a FWS they need to feel that guilt to facilitate change in their behaviour.

Sometime loving actions need to be tough and that is one of the bi-products of Plan B.

Hand in there Valdie and go back to a very dark Plan B.