My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have a wonderful baby girl who is 20 months. I am in a rut at the moment. My husband h=and I havent been intimate for about a month and to tell the truth at first i wasnt bothered. I have lost the "want" for intimacy but I know t is such an important part of marriage. How do I start to fix this? The longer it goes it seems the harder it is to bring the issue up but I feel somehow we need to address it. Why the rut? Will it get better? How? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just get in bed with him and initiate it. Don't bring it up, don't talk about it, just do it!

What you can do to get the "want" for intimacy back is to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionaire. He most likely is not meeting your EN and if intimicy is one of his EN's and it most likely is then you have not been meeting his. Start with improving yourself and do your best at meeting his needs.

I just told another poster to start adding conversation to the mix. Talk about stuff the way you used to, when you were dating and learning about each other. Just because you marry doesn't mean you stop having things to say. Politics, movie stars, sports, NASA's next launch, tv shows,...get back in the habit of sharing with each other.

Are you near a big city? Mine has a website that's geared toward families that is like a big running calendar of things going on all over the city that are kid-friendly - a lot of it is free stuff, new parks opening, plays for kids, events going on...stuff like that. I like to find at least one new thing to do each month, helps keep you from - or gets you out of - a rut. We have one outdoor theatre, where there's a big grass hill that people sit on to watch the free shows, bring their picnic basket and blanket, so much fun. Find things like that to do to reinvigorate your family, and the other stuff will happen, too.

Hi...welcome to Marriage Builders,

Have you heard of the "seven year itch"? It's a myth that may have a tinge of truth to it.

Often seven years is when many marriages start to get boring...the honeymoon is supposedly over and things are a bit hum-drum. The new baby and all the busy-ness involved could also play a part in what you feel is like a rut.

Like Victoria and Catperson have said, there are things you can do, but there are also things you can 'think'......to possibly get out of your rut.

Read my sad story attached to my sig line. I was in a rut with most aspects of our marriage for over 30 years. (We both did not lack in SF, however, even during my husband's affair.)

Read, check out life-coaching videos, listen to teaching CD's, explore resources on the net, join a support group with stimulating conversation...many things may just jar you out of that rut.

Here's a mind game I play. I'm not proud of it, but it works:

Look around you at other couples similar to you and your H.

Make a list of things you have they don't that you are thankful for.

Be grateful for those things.

Focus on the good things you like about your marriage.

Make a list of your H's good qualities and praise him for them.


Hope those help a little. If you change the way you think, your perspective and actions may even change without your knowing it. Also, Victoria and Catperson, please email me when you can. Addy in profile, thanks.

Best wishes,

Ace