Its been 60 days since my w told me about her affair. Now she is going through depression and its not getting better. How long does withdrawal last and what should I do, if anything, during this period. I'm living one day at a time.

They say withdrawl lasts as long as the affair did...but I don't know if that's true.<P>My withdrawl lasted a little over 3 months. During this time I was extremely depressed and thought of the OM constantly...at times I would break down and call him.<P>At first my husband wasn't very supportive and I felt that he didn't care if I left him or not...this made the withdrawl even more difficult.<P>The best thing you can do is to show your wife how much you love her. I don't suggest smothering her with your love, but simply doing extra little things to show her you care about her feelings.<P>Lovebusting will cause her to withdrawl and think about the OM even more. I'm dreading the next fight with my husband because I know that I will think of the OM and fantasize how "perfect" life would be with him.<P>Your wife really needs to sort out her feelings...maybe she could see a counselor or get on some sort of medication to alleviate her depression.

Thanks Holly, I'm trying to be patient and show empathy to how she is feeling. That's the hard part since I'm the one who feels as thought I have lost everything that I believed in about our marriage. I counted this morning and found that I have purchased and read 7 books about coping and surviving affairs in the last 60 days.<P>------------------<BR>tanker0076<BR>

Hi Tanker,<P>The length of withdrawal is all dependent on each individual's situation. <P>What lengthens withdrawal: the length of the affair; contacts with the OP (however small or minor); love-busting from the spouse. <P>What shortens withdrawal: kind loving behavior from spouse; <B>no</B> contact with OP<P>So the important thing for you to do is no love-busting! Try not to have angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements, no demands.<P>It might take a <B>long</B> time for her withdrawal to fully go away. I can only imagine how painful and frustrating it is to do Plan A behavior and not get much back. But the alternative is to love-bust and therefore send your wife right back into the arms of the OM...<P>--andy

Thanks, I can at least control "my" behavior by being positive and not demanding much from her right now. I am having to "trust" that she is not calling or attempting to call the OM.<P>Your comments as well as others provide great comfort in this struggle.<P>------------------<BR>tanker0076<BR>

You are the innocent party, but you are hanging in there. You've enduring spring training, so you might as well stick around and play in the Super Bowl.<P>Want a scorecard to see how you are doing? If she trusts you enough to cry and confess how badly she misses him and how much she wants to get this jerk out of her soul and save her marriage, you're heading for paydirt.<P>After all, she can't talk about withdrawal anguish with anyone...not a relative...not a girlfriend...no one.<P>If she can share her deepest fears and hurts with you (especially the ones she is so ashamed of), and you can continue to win her trust by biting your lip and giving her a supportive hug, you can't get any more open with your husband than that. And that is a great place to begin to fix the problems that caused the need for the affair in the first place.<P>I know it's hard, but you are hurting too. Your hurt will end sooner if you can be strong when she really needs a friend.<BR>Be a man, be strong.<BR>

My counselor before I moved told me withdrawal was like what a person went through when someone dies. They have to deal with the grief. So you might find information about that. Sosad found a good website on dealing with lost of a love one no matter what kind. I brought the thread back up you might read it. The thread was survivngloss. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

My affair lasted 2 years and it's been about 9 weeks now since it ended. The first couple of weeks were hell. Couldn't eat, sleep, nightmares, hated my life and myself. It's still hard but I work with the OM. It's a really rough rollacoaster ride, sometimes just when I think I'm turning the corner, I crash again. <P>Your wife is very lucky to have such a supportive husband. Maybe you could mention maritial counseling to your wife or she could alone at first just to help sort out her feelings.

Thanks all for your support. I have no one else to talk to so this forum is my only means of knowing what to do, and if I'm headed in the right direction.<P>I'm hanging in there for the long run and have told my w the same.<P><P>------------------<BR>tanker0076<BR>