My wife had an affair that lasted a couple of months with one of her co-workers. After discovery SHE took immediate action by ending the affair and quitting her job to fully devote herself to our relationship. She is taking full accountability to her actions and her love and care for my feelings are remarkable. We are now four months after and just when things started to calm down between us we found out that I have been infected by the HPV virus which is one of those STD’s that are not harmful (to men) but are causing a very demoralizing effect as the visuals of the outbreaks are very depressing making things between us much more complicated and challenging.

This has brought us pretty much back to where we started and healing has become much more difficult. My wife is feeling very bad she has brought this on her family and between our depressions from all of this we still need to find the strength to comfort one another and try to move forward. This virus will haunt us for the rest of our lives as it tends to present itself randomly and in case we decide to stay together we will be reminded of the affair opening again that horror chapter in our lives.

Have any of you had to deal with a similar situation where on top of the affair you also had to deal with an STD of one kind?

Were you able to heal from such blow?

Can a marriage sustain this in the long run?

As committed as I was before I now have started to doubt that I will ever have a healthy relationship and the images of my wife and the OM together with my physical condition have turned into nightmares and I just don’t know if this makes any sense anymore.

I appreciate some help and encouragement.

It's funny about HPV...it is a horrible disease for women and yet they do little to protect themselves. There has been some recent data to suggest that men that infected with certain strains of HPV are at a much greater risk for penile cancer (and the treatment for penile cancer is the REMOVAL of the penis!).
People on this site have contracted STD's from unfaithful spouses. At least one has died and another developed cancer.
This is just a reminder of how utterly irresponsible it is to sleep with a WS.

I hope you recover your M and do not suffer any additional health problems as a result of your wife's terrible acts.

Which strain(s) do you have? Since you mention outbreaks, I am guessing that you have some type of warts? Something that researches are starting to believe, is that a lot of people actually resolve themself of HPV by their own immune system sometimes from months to years after it is caught, but little is yet known.

i am so sorry for this happening to you.

i will NEVER EVER EVER understand why waywards do not use protection. DUH!

"accidental" pregnancies, diseases, etc...
are you kidding me?

good luck to you

mlhb

You might want to read my threads Levad, my W gave me herpes through her A, and it has been one of the hardest things for me to get through. I felt exactly how you feel at one point, but my feelings are becoming more manageable with time.

The outbreaks are still a trigger, but I am doing much better in dealing with them as a trigger. I am also suing OM for knowingly passing on a disease, I don't know if this is possible in your case, or if you would want to if you could. Do you think OM knew he had it? In my case, I KNOW that he knew. I'd be willing to help you by providing you the verbage of the lawsuit and the research that went into putting it together if you want. Its not going to make the disease go away, but my thought is that since I have to think about this for the rest of my life, I'd feel that justice was served if OM had to realize some financial damage for the rest of his!

Anyhow, I don't know how I've begun to move past it. It really is just a choice. You have the disease now, nothing is going to change that. Its there, and whether your with your W or not, its going to be there. So as ugly as it is, there really is no point in allowing it to further damage you by causing the emotional turmoil when outbreaks occur. You have to realize that you have it even when there are no outbreaks. Allowing the outbreaks to impact you even beyond the symptoms themselves is counterproductive, right? Its easy to read, easy to write, hard to implement. I guess it just takes a shift in perspective, you have to realize what you're giving up by allowing the outbreaks to "get to you".

I'll help any way I can Levad, I've traveled this road, let me know if there's anything I can do, I'll get you an email addy if you wish.

I am sorry for you. I have no advise but for the life of me I just do not understand. It is bad enough to have an affair, but to have such total disregard for your spouse that you don't even have the decency to use protection is simply unbelievable. To me it is either a deliberate choice or they are a total ignorant individual. Either reason is enough to disolve the marriage.

Bryanp, the A in itself is enough to dissolve the M. It actually seems to be the norm rather than the exception for APs to NOT use protection. I can't comprehend it either, but it does seem to be the case.

It sounds to me as if Levad's M was progressing through recovery and the discovery of the STD is derailing them. The STD and all the issues associated with it is not an insurmountable challenge imo.

Levad,

I'm am one those that have walked this walked before you. My W's A with her boss resulted in me gaining an HPV virus. It is exactly how I found out about the A. Not from her mouth, but from my dr's dx.

It took me two sessions with a urologist to remove the warts that resulted. for what it's worth, that was three years ago and none have recurred in that time.

I believe it's true that HPV is something the body can rid itself of, but only time will tell.

Your options are to either see an epidermiologist or a urologist. I choose the latter and all has worked well so far.

OTOH, your W needs to have yearly pap smears, including the look for HPV. Most GYN will not look closely unless you tell them that you are exposed and likely a carrier. It is far more important to women(ie cervical cancer) than it is for men.

Go to a doctor, as I did, and remove this horrible reminder. I couldn't function until I did this.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks for your response and insight. Your circumstance and mine look very similar and from what I have read so far I envy your ability to express your emotions the way you did as they resemble very much the way I felt and sometimes still feel. For months I knew about the affair but yet had to find the strength to take the step of confrontation and not fear the consequences. I was very lucky though as my wife did make a choice of her own almost instantly to end the affair and start seriously working on our relationship.

The cloud of the affair and the rage of all the things I did wrong to her lasted for about 45 days until reality sunk in where she realized her errors and wrongness. The love, care, accountability, devotion and honesty I receive from her each day ever since is almost too hard to bear. One part of me is still crying, sad, angry and hurtful while the other wants to reward her for her courage and determination to face together with me the hardship of recovery. This is in way conflicting as I am afraid to de-motivate her by showing her how much I am hurt and sometimes very sad.

When we discovered I had HPV she was devastated and I feared she would harm herself. Her risk for cervical cancer is now a fact for life and I care about her health the same way she does for me now. We have gotten this far and with such support and care from a person I truly love and who has always been my best friend I should be open to give a second chance.

The STD both you and I have cannot be cured. We will have to be accountable for the rest of our lives when considering another relationship in case this one does not work and always be honest about carrying an STD. How does that affect your state of mind?

Taking a shortcut and finish the marriage is an option which I did entertain momentarily but decided to abandon as I do love her very much. The relationship has many ups and downs and at times I simply don’t know how to take things further where I can shut the doors behind me and move on with my life. It has been four months now and while the foundation of our relationship has improved the pain has only increased since I found out I had HPV.

Our intimate relationship has been nonexistent for the last two months and frankly I have no desire whatsoever to be intimate with my wife. Shameful about my physical condition, paralyzed by the affair and insecure about my manhood I battle each day the images of the affair and my own lack of self esteem. How did the STD affect your intimate life and how are you and your wife dealing with it (if I may ask).

Considering a legal action was a thought that I did entertain especially after realizing that the guy has come out clean without any consequences to his actions. He kept his job and has never looked back to the damage and mess he assisted to create. I spoke to his wife the other day who confirmed that they had past treatments for STD’s but she was unwilling to specify what kind of STD. The only thing she mentioned that she has also been unfaithful to her husband in the past and that they paid the price for it at that time. Go figure what she meant. I am 100% sure that he knew about him having HPV and that he was hoping that the outbreak would come after she left me as he was pressuring her to divorce me and has already proposed to her.

I am learning a lot her on MB and your insight and support is very welcome. Talking about an affair with family and friends is hard but adding an STD on top of it is unbearable. Who can understand this?

There are many reasons for dissolving and many reasons for remaining in a relationship. What drives people to remain together after all such hardship is beyond me. I decided to stay not because our child, not because of financial hardship or fear but because I love her and because I feel and see that she loves me. It just feels right.

She made a terrible mistake, an error in judgment by transferring her trust to another person and believed that it was based on honesty and truth. The awakening after the exposure and the response by taking full accountability to her actions and realizing she was living in a foggy state of mind full of deceptions and lies makes it worth to explore the future together without any preset conditions.

The STD added a very nasty element to it and I do wonder how many couples were capable to sustain a relationship with something like this always looming over their head to show itself.

I went to the doctor and let the warts taken care of by freezing them. I don’t know if an urologist would have done the same. The problem is that they keep on appearing at various spots around my private parts and I was told that it can take up to six months before the outbreak stops. This is very de- motivating.

So how did it work out between you and your wife and what kind of lasting effect if any did it have on your relationship? How was intimacy restored between the both of you?

Sorry for asking but I am looking for answers at these lost moments. Infidelity and STD’s are foreign subjects to me and I have no idea, no sense or feeling as to why they should exist in a loving and caring relationship.

Yes, immediately after H confessed adultery with a prostitute 2 1/2 yrs ago, I demanded all STD tests be done.
These tests DO NOT include HPV.
A few months later my H had an outbreak.
He first told me he had a mole under his belly button, and had to see a dermatologist for it. I asked to look, well I saw all six off them. I demanded him and I run to the Dr. office. I was devastated, crying in the Dr's office. Dr. then verified HPV/genital warts on him. My H still denied it was HPV. Then the Health Dept verified it was HPV, he still denied. He came out of denial when he saw the dermatologist. I was tested clean.

Yes it does make recovery harder. Each outbreak is a reminder, each removal is a reminder. Having to use a condom is a reminder (which doesn't totally protect HPV) because it's a virus caught by skin contact.

Shinethrough has had a remarkable recovery with his wife. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but it's possible. I'm hoping the same for you.

Lady

I think you should seriously consider a lawsuit against OM. It sounds like you have good reason to believe he knew he had the disease. An attorney should take the case on a contingent basis, which means you don't have to pay alot up front to do this. If you happen to live in MO or KS, I have just the guy to help you. I will send my email addy to Justuss to forward to you after you send him your email address if you wish, I don't want to discuss too many specifics of strategy, etc. publicly, but there are a couple bits of advice that would serve you well should you choose to persue this. For me the lawsuit has been somewhat of a salve. It has provided in some ways an outlet for my anger, which is good as it means I'm not inclined to project it towards my W. It has also allowed me to escape the "victim" mentality. I'm now involved in a "fight" in a way, instead of just laying down and taking it. Not nearly as good as dealing with the vermin as I believe he should be dealt with, but I have a daughter and I want to see her grow up. Me being in prison would not be in her best interests, and yes, I do honestly take his offense against me that seriously. I basically decided that I was not going to simply take this. In some regard, I can understand the guy having sex with my wife. THAT was her responsibility to not allow that to happen. But by not informing her of the disease, THAT is scumbag behavior and I view it as a personal and willful assault on myself and my wife. Yes, they should have used protection, but even that would have been insufficient. He had a moral (and legal) responsibility to tell her, just as I (and my W, and you and your W) now have a legal and moral responsibility to tell any future partner. I am going to do everything in my legal power to damage him to the fullest extent I can, to force him to compensate me, and to force him to realize the consequences of his behavior and hopefully prevent him from doing this to someone else.

The prospects of a single future with an STD are certainly hard to deal with. Yes, I would most definitely have to inform any future sexual partner of the disease. It still readily angers me when I think about it. Not only did our WW's damage us through the A and the abuse that comes along with it, they also tossed the added insult of making the future that much harder, with or without them. I spent alot of time feeling trapped. The flip side of that trap though is that it is I guess added motivation for both of you to try to stay together if at all possible.

Its hard to explain how I've dealt with this. I guess in some way I have compartmentalized the STD into an issue that is somehow separate from the A. I mean, I guess that in my mind, the A itself was the primary issue. The STD is simply a by product of that. It is also an UNCHANGEABLE reality. There is nothing that can be done about it. Getting divorced won't get rid of it. Flipping out about it won't get rid of it. Allowing it to get to me mentally or emotionally in any way is allowing OM power over me in some way, if that makes sense? I have somehow decided to choose to NOT allow him that power over me. It took me several months though to get to this mindset. The first few outbreaks were very emotionally traumatizing. I knew that I could not endure that for the rest of my life and had to "think my way around it" somehow.

My W and I are and always have been sexually active and attracted to each other. It was difficult mentally through the first few outbreaks, and they are still difficult but becoming less so. I guess I take a pragmatic view of it. I enjoy sex, I get grumpy if I go without for too long. Why on earth WOULDN'T I have sex with my W? Again, I refuse to give the A that kind of control. Although I will admit that I wish I had not engaged in sex with my WW when I suspected the A.

Now, I am not familiar with HPV. I am inferring from this post that it is not something that comes and goes like HSV? If you are permanantly visibly marred I can see how that would be more difficult. If surgery is required for removal of any symptoms, then you need to do that, ASAP in my opinion. Having that kind of reminder is going to make things much more difficult.

Any BS that is exposed to a STD by their WS should be permitted to bring charges against both the OWS and their own spouse.
It is bad enough if the M survives both the infidelity and the STD...BUT, if the marriage dissolves, the BS is injured in that this could impact every relationship they ever have going forward.
The STD issue should be factored into the divorce settlement as well. While financial consideration does not make up for the damage, it is one remedy that our courts could impose.
Jail time and civil penalties seem like a better idea though.

agree 100% TYK.

Sounds like OM needs to have tool romoved.

Sadly I know much more about HPV than I ever wanted to know.

First of all, as another poster said, it is virtually impossible to test for this in males in the absence of actual warts as it is a virus that lives on the skin and can be found anywhere.

Secondly, the strains of HPV that cause warts are NOT the strains that can cause cervical and other cancers so at least you only have one problem not both.

Thirdly, all types of HPV eventually go away. The average time of infection is two years. Although there is no cure, my Dr says vitamin D is known to help.

And smoking vastly increases the cancer risk.

Too bad you had to learn the hard way. I was on a business trip overseas when I discovered the warts and had some bleeding as well which made me rush to the hospital ER. I had no clue as to what it was and when the doctor looked at it he bluntly said that this is what you get when you have unprotected sex with a prostitute. My world collapsed at that moment.

You were mentioning that you were using condoms. Why should you use them when technically you are already having contracted the virus?

The problem with HPV is that it can be dormant for years and even not show at all at the carrier while those who are infected by the carrier can have symptoms shown in months. It apparently has to do with your mental and physical condition. Therefore I am afraid that in court it may not stick as it is hard to prove who has been infecting whom, how and when. The virus can be transferred by just body contact. This new situation has changed our lives where we keep our hands clean all the time using only paper towels and a once a week shower tradition with my little boy is now history as I am afraid to infect him as well.

I tried to research if there have been any legal cases brought against HPV “infectors” but could not find any. I may try to put it in court anyway just to put him out there in front of his family, friends and co-workers.

I cannot yet separate the STD from the affair. It is too soon but I am getting there. I decided to stick it out that which means that any consequences the affair has brought into our lives we will have to deal with it together. I agree whatever choice we make, we will still carry the STD so I prefer to do this with my wife who will have to accept me as is. Going about your business and shutting it out of your life is the way to go and I guess that at one point I will just have to close my eyes and reach out to my wife to reclaim our precious intimate moments. We work together from home now so we are constantly around another and not being able to find intimate comfort around another is very hard on me.

I would certainly be interested in whatever work you have done on the legal side and if you are willing to share privately please feel free to do so.

Thanks again for your insight and sharing your experiences.

Send me an email at tykuhn(at)gmail(dot)com if you'd like to discuss my case in more detail Levad.

let me know when you've got the addy so I can delete this.