Hello Everyone, I did not "just find out" about my husband's affair, but I did just find out about the nature of and extent of the affair.

My husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years. We have four children, ages 8,5,4,and 2. We also have businesses together and I have always helped him in those, as well as staying at home with the children.

At the end of Dec '06, New Year's weekend, I left and took the kids to my parents' house to get away for a few days. My husband had been treating me terribly for awhile, the kids and I had all been sick, and I just needed someone to take care of me that weekend. My husband definitely was not acting like himself and I was very upset.

While I was away, my husband called me and admitted to having an affair. He was telling me because the OW's husband had found out. This was the wife of his then best friend. They had three kids. He told me that it had been going on for a few weeks and was mostly just phone calls and he had kissed the woman twice. I waited a couple of days to go home, becuase I was still sick and trying to process this new info.

When I got home, he was very remorseful and told me that all contact had ceased. I also made him call the woman and tell her that he did not want to see her anymore. He did this in front of me. (I did not know about the NC letter at that point.) He told me adamantly that they had never had sex.

I did some snooping and found out that they had been obsessively text messaging each other, sometimes up to 100 texts per day! There were also phone calls.

Over the next couple of weeks, I find out that some of the details just did not add up. I could see where he was when he was talking on his phone at times and it did not coincide with some of the things he had told me. He finally had to admit to lying about some things. He had talked to the woman even up to the day that I had come home, when he told me that he was no longer speaking with her. He admitted to having conversations "about sex" with her.

Recovery and healing was rough. We really had no plan for recovery. I thought I could forgive him and do this on my own. In 3/06, we were out celebrating our son's 3rd birthday, when the OW called my FWH's cell phone. I was coming out of the store, got in the car, and he was screaming at someone on the phone. It was the OW. He told me that she had called his phone and left a message for him a couple of days before, wanting to see him again. He had "forgotten" to tell me. A few days later, she called our home and left a message for me. I erased it without listening to it. I deeply regret that now. My husband wrote a letter, which we both signed, saying to stop trying to contact us or we would file harrassment charges against her. We sent it certified. He also changed his cell phone number.

Since 3/06, it has just been about us trying to piece our lives back together, he has been home all the time with us and we have gotten involved in a new church. Overall, I thought that things were going reasonably well.

The you-know-what hit the fan three days ago. I had noticed that my FWH seemed to be acting strange. He was still home with us, but he just seemed to be in a pout. He seemed quiet and unhappy. On Friday, 3/7/08, I asked him to please tell me what was wrong.

He told me that he was tired of living with me. He said he was not sure how he felt about me anymore. He told me that our sex life was still unsatisfying to him. He told me that he and the OW did have sex, one night, in our bedroom, that weekend that I had taken the kids to my parents'. They had sex three times that night in our bed. He said, "And you know what? It was so much better." He told me that he had taken a bunch of my codeine (I had this in the cabinet because I had been sick) and they were drinking. He said they did all kinds of crazy things and it was the best sex he had ever had in his life. I was crying when he was telling me this. I asked him why he didn't just go off with her, and he said that she was a lunatic. She was a real "bunny boiler" because she tried her best to interfere with our lives.

He also told me that he has thought about that night many times over the past year and sex with me pretty much just sucks. He told me that he would like to leave but he didn't want to hurt me. He also told me that there have been times when he wondered what life would be like for him if I just died. I was so stunned and upset by all of this. He packed a bag and left that night.

The next day, he called and apologized for being so mean, but he justified it by saying it was all true and I needed to know. He told me that he would like to learn to love me again, because he doesn't want to lose his kids. He asked if he could stay at the house while we worked things out for the kids and I told him "no". He is currently staying at his brother's house about 45 minutes away.

Last night, he called me crying and said he was so sorry for all that he had said. He admitted that he should have been truthful with me all along about the extent of the affair. I really didn't say much to him except that he needs some serious help.

Now, I don't know what to do. He had been having his recreational needs met outside our home, playing poker every week, going to NFL games and just leaving me with the kids, before he had the affair. I was stressed to the max with a baby girl and three little boys and still doing most of the office work for his business. He told me that he could do exactly what he wanted to do and I couldn't tell him not to. He told me that he had been drinking behind my back (he is an admitted alcoholic) and smoked pot a few times with his brother over the years.

He has now been sober all this past year (as far as I know), but he lied to me all year long. I suspected he was holding something back and I really thought it was inconceivable that he and the OW had not had sex, and I told him so. He made up all kinds of stories about the timeline of events, and now I know that they met a bunch of times and did all kinds of stuff before they had sex at my home.

I realize that my husband is an accomplished liar and I now know that I can't really believe anything he says. I can't get the images out of my mind regarding him and the OW having sex in my private retreat where I have made love to my husband and nursed my babies. My heart is absolutely broken and now I am not sure that I can ever take him back. I haven't told him this, because I want him to get therapy, at least for the kids' sake. After all of the pain of getting through the past year and thinking that we were doing better, and now knowing that he was lying to me all along, I am exhausted. I know that I deserve better than this, and my kids certainly do as well.

I would appreciate any advice or encouragement. I am thinking about consulting an attorney.

Mom

Welcome to MB. I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Infidelity is so much worse than we imagine it could be.

First I say take care of you and the little ones. And I mean that as far as everything goes. Financially, emotionally, socially. You and the little ones need to be protected from his lies. I think consulting a lawyer is a good step just in case.

What do YOU want? Is this the man you want to spend your life with? You do deserve alot better than that. No one deserves that type of treatment. But the thing is, when a person is cheating, they lie. Some come clean with all the details up front, but most don't. His behavior is normal as far as that goes. And his behavior also seems to demonstrate that he is contact with OW again or another OW. His telling you all those mean details as he did is a red flag. My bet is that he's involved again somehow.

Any way to verify that he's not cheating again?


Mom, you need to decide what you want and we'll help you either way you go. You know recovery is hard, even when it is done the right way. There's lots of work to be done and your WH will need to do most of it.

I suggest you read this site and read Surviving an Affair. You can get it from this site. Read the posts on Gen Quest II. Your story is just like many there. I suggest you link your story and start a post on that board. It's a busier board and there's lots of people there that have been where you are. If you can't link, just start a thread and I'll link it for you.

Hang in there. Your recovery is going to begin whether or not your M recovers or not.

Thank you MicheleG. I will start another thread on that other board if you will link for me.

Well, he enjoyed porking the pig while high on codeine and alcohol in your refuge while you were sick and caring for his children. And on top of that, the HO was his best friend's wife????????? YIKES!!!!!!!!!!

I would suggest that he get counseling to find out why he would think that RUTTING like an animal was the best sex of his life.

Stick with us, and don't take him back until he gets some counseling, and you get some strong boundaries.

believer, These were my thoughts exactly and I expressed as much to him. These are not my morals or the way choose to live my life. Truthfully, I am not sure I even want him back. All of this has just happened and I am just taking it one day at a time right now. But, the more time I take to process all of this new info, the more humiliated I feel for even taking him back in the first place. He is very good at presenting himself as exactly the opposite of someone who would do something like this.

Mom...

I have little to offer as advice, but a sympathetic ear and a similar story. Read my story at the bottom and you'll see that you are not alone.

Take care of yourself and your children. You will survive no matter what.

((((((momto4)))))