I am not sure what to think of this...and I can't really talk to him about it because he doesn't know I know. ex-h (who has decided he wants to work thing out after almost a year of separation and the nearing of our divorce being final) wrote a "I can't talk to you or be friends with you" letter to the woman he had an affair with. in the letter he stated that she was the best friend/lover he has ever had and could ever hope to have. It leaves me feeling crappy. Although he says to me and acts like he wants me and wants a future with me he still feels that way towards her. Is this normal? Is it normal for the cheater to say things like that the the person they cheated with when calling it off/taking initiave in cutting off ties and communication? I just don't know what to think of all of it. Also, in it, there was no mention of his wanting/trying to work things out with me. He even went so far as to say he wasn't seeing anyone (although one could say we are somewhat seeing each other) and that his writing the letter was only an effort to move on with life.

Any thoughts? I driving myself crazy with this stupid stuff...

That is a perfectly normal letter for a fogged out infidel to send. However you should not accept it as a no contact letter. Give me a break.

That letter is not worth the paper that it's printed on and certainly not enough for you to base any of your future plans on. Foggy!

continue with your divorce. be happy. the fact that he didsn't mention your M and his desire to recover it speaks volumes.
Be done with him. It is that simple.

Here is what the Harleys say -

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

You posted another thread here not too long ago, you have been married to this man twice before, and he asked to divorce you TWO times already...and you were considering marrying him a third time...You have all the proof you need that he has not changed one bit. He wrote a letter to the OW saying he isn't INVOLVED WITH ANYONE, yet he is asking you to get back together with him while attempting to keep the OW as his best friend and "best lover he ever had"...come on! Move on with your life, do not allow this man to continue this blatant disrespect. That letter is not a NC letter, he is professing his love for the OW. You should stay far away from him, he is not interested in a serious committment like marriage, obviously.

Please, get yourself in counseling so that you can make better choices and recognize emotional abuse when you are being subjected to it. It's time to do something positive for yourself so that you can have a better life.

we never discussed his writing a letter to her. she wrote to him and in response wrote the letter telling her that he can no longer im or email with her and also can not be friends now or in the future...that they both need to move on with life. he told her she is still married and thinks it is good the two of them are in counseling (he has mentioned to me us going to counseling as well - a must for me if we are to move forward...something I am not sure I want to do as of yet for understandable reasons).

As for the comment that it speaks volumes of what he really thinks of us working things out - that is what I was/am affraid of. I am not even sure if this is what I want...still working on that but for him to be almost two faced about the whole thing is frustrating...especially when there is no reason to be. He has a set visitation shedule with our daughter, he has his freedoms of being single, and finally self-dependent. For me, his even suggesting working on things came from nowhere! So why? If he isn't that interested would he. He tells me he is more sure that this is what he wants than ever before but if that is how he truely feels then why does he write her such things? Why mess with me that way?! He even admits to having flip-flopped on me in the past with wanting to work on things (our history together is long and confusing) and said he didn't want to do that now. UHHH men!

Robertswife.

You are right, I have posted before. To clearify, he did ask for the divorce the first time. No cheating...second time, cheating and it was just understood he would leave. I was leaving filing up to him but he never took inititive. When he moved, I filed custody papers and filed for divorce at the same time. He never asked for the divorce and some discussion was had regarding his wanting to hold off but I filed shortly after anyway - I was angry and already paid the lawyer anyway so why not. As for counseling, I have been and am seeing someone. I recognize my need to know what a healthy relationship - there are many aspects of my relationship with him that are not healthy and I know that. While knowing that, it is hard not to see all things that I didn't see then. I recognize our lack of maturity and understanding of what to expect out of marriage and how to fulfill the roles of husband and wife....we were very young, naive and immature. Many of the things that went wrong in our relationship, including our first divorce, can be attributed to that. We never had premarrital counseling (bad idea) and had, by most standards, poor role models. Now that we are older and see many of the things that went wrong - it is hard for me not to fall into the trap of wanting to correct those things. I get the feeling he sees it the same way. I am not saying I am correct in thinking that way but it is hard to fight the thoughts. It is by no means an easy or fast process. It in itself has its own challenges.

All that I am saying to you, is that you have the answer right in front of you...HE ISN"T READY FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE..You can only control yourself. There is nothing you can do to make him become a responsible adult. You say that you were both immature, well, based on everything you have posted here, he is still IMMATURE and incapable at this point of being in a healthy marriage. Based on your previous posts here, it would be extremely unhealthy for you to proceed with this man as he is.

Based on the letter you have discovered that he wrote to the OW, can you accept the fact that he hasn't changed? If you can accept that and you have no problems becoming involved with him again in his current state, then that is your choice....however, do not expect things to be different just because you want them to be. He has shown you he is still the same...sorry for your predicament, but I think you are asking for trouble by continuing down the same path with a man who has proven to be incapable of commitment more than once...you can't change him.