I posted my story on the Just Found Out board. MicheleG, could you link it for me?

I really don't know how to proceed from here.

momto4's thread from Just found out:

Hello Everyone, I did not "just find out" about my husband's affair, but I did just find out about the nature of and extent of the affair.

My husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years. We have four children, ages 8,5,4,and 2. We also have businesses together and I have always helped him in those, as well as staying at home with the children.

At the end of Dec '06, New Year's weekend, I left and took the kids to my parents' house to get away for a few days. My husband had been treating me terribly for awhile, the kids and I had all been sick, and I just needed someone to take care of me that weekend. My husband definitely was not acting like himself and I was very upset.

While I was away, my husband called me and admitted to having an affair. He was telling me because the OW's husband had found out. This was the wife of his then best friend. They had three kids. He told me that it had been going on for a few weeks and was mostly just phone calls and he had kissed the woman twice. I waited a couple of days to go home, becuase I was still sick and trying to process this new info.

When I got home, he was very remorseful and told me that all contact had ceased. I also made him call the woman and tell her that he did not want to see her anymore. He did this in front of me. (I did not know about the NC letter at that point.) He told me adamantly that they had never had sex.

I did some snooping and found out that they had been obsessively text messaging each other, sometimes up to 100 texts per day! There were also phone calls.

Over the next couple of weeks, I find out that some of the details just did not add up. I could see where he was when he was talking on his phone at times and it did not coincide with some of the things he had told me. He finally had to admit to lying about some things. He had talked to the woman even up to the day that I had come home, when he told me that he was no longer speaking with her. He admitted to having conversations "about sex" with her.

Recovery and healing was rough. We really had no plan for recovery. I thought I could forgive him and do this on my own. In 3/06, we were out celebrating our son's 3rd birthday, when the OW called my FWH's cell phone. I was coming out of the store, got in the car, and he was screaming at someone on the phone. It was the OW. He told me that she had called his phone and left a message for him a couple of days before, wanting to see him again. He had "forgotten" to tell me. A few days later, she called our home and left a message for me. I erased it without listening to it. I deeply regret that now. My husband wrote a letter, which we both signed, saying to stop trying to contact us or we would file harrassment charges against her. We sent it certified. He also changed his cell phone number.

Since 3/06, it has just been about us trying to piece our lives back together, he has been home all the time with us and we have gotten involved in a new church. Overall, I thought that things were going reasonably well.

The you-know-what hit the fan three days ago. I had noticed that my FWH seemed to be acting strange. He was still home with us, but he just seemed to be in a pout. He seemed quiet and unhappy. On Friday, 3/7/08, I asked him to please tell me what was wrong.

He told me that he was tired of living with me. He said he was not sure how he felt about me anymore. He told me that our sex life was still unsatisfying to him. He told me that he and the OW did have sex, one night, in our bedroom, that weekend that I had taken the kids to my parents'. They had sex three times that night in our bed. He said, "And you know what? It was so much better." He told me that he had taken a bunch of my codeine (I had this in the cabinet because I had been sick) and they were drinking. He said they did all kinds of crazy things and it was the best sex he had ever had in his life. I was crying when he was telling me this. I asked him why he didn't just go off with her, and he said that she was a lunatic. She was a real "bunny boiler" because she tried her best to interfere with our lives.

He also told me that he has thought about that night many times over the past year and sex with me pretty much just sucks. He told me that he would like to leave but he didn't want to hurt me. He also told me that there have been times when he wondered what life would be like for him if I just died. I was so stunned and upset by all of this. He packed a bag and left that night.

The next day, he called and apologized for being so mean, but he justified it by saying it was all true and I needed to know. He told me that he would like to learn to love me again, because he doesn't want to lose his kids. He asked if he could stay at the house while we worked things out for the kids and I told him "no". He is currently staying at his brother's house about 45 minutes away.

Last night, he called me crying and said he was so sorry for all that he had said. He admitted that he should have been truthful with me all along about the extent of the affair. I really didn't say much to him except that he needs some serious help.

Now, I don't know what to do. He had been having his recreational needs met outside our home, playing poker every week, going to NFL games and just leaving me with the kids, before he had the affair. I was stressed to the max with a baby girl and three little boys and still doing most of the office work for his business. He told me that he could do exactly what he wanted to do and I couldn't tell him not to. He told me that he had been drinking behind my back (he is an admitted alcoholic) and smoked pot a few times with his brother over the years.

He has now been sober all this past year (as far as I know), but he lied to me all year long. I suspected he was holding something back and I really thought it was inconceivable that he and the OW had not had sex, and I told him so. He made up all kinds of stories about the timeline of events, and now I know that they met a bunch of times and did all kinds of stuff before they had sex at my home.

I realize that my husband is an accomplished liar and I now know that I can't really believe anything he says. I can't get the images out of my mind regarding him and the OW having sex in my private retreat where I have made love to my husband and nursed my babies. My heart is absolutely broken and now I am not sure that I can ever take him back. I haven't told him this, because I want him to get therapy, at least for the kids' sake. After all of the pain of getting through the past year and thinking that we were doing better, and now knowing that he was lying to me all along, I am exhausted. I know that I deserve better than this, and my kids certainly do as well.

I would appreciate any advice or encouragement. I am thinking about consulting an attorney.

My husband said something very similar to me some time ago. This came out of him mouth mostly because one of his OW (there were several) had a husband who died of a heart attack when he was just 35. I don't know the whole story but I guess he was abusive to her and he was an alcoholic. She said she was LUCKY that he died because he would have never gotten any help and fixed himself for his kids.

My WH actually looked at me and said, why can't that happen to me?

That's love for you. I usually don't get all the hurt by what people say, after all they are just words and can be said in the heat of the moment. But that one really made me look at the kind of person my WH really is.

Your H does not sounds like he really does need help. After all this time it seems like he truly does not have any remorse for the things HE did. I think it is time for you to go to plan B and kick this fool to the curb. Get your financial situation in order and contact an attorney/mediator as soon as you can.

We all have our limits. Personally some of the things he said would be unforgiveable to me. So my choice would be to move on.

However, you have 4 children together; and only you know whether your family is worth saving. Nothing needs to be decided this minute. Take some time and think about what you want.

How was the marriage pre-affair?
How has it been the past year?

From his behavior I would suspect some recent contact between OW and WH. And I just have doubts that you have gotten the whole truth.

At the very least if he wants another chance with you -- he should sign a post-nup giving you EVERYTHING.

But personally? If someone wished me dead, I would never spend another night in the same bed with them....

Here ya go

Momto4's Story

Duh...didn't see it had been copied.

I also think that there has been further contact and MT4 has not gotten the whole truth.

Thanks everyone.
I am trying to take it one day at a time right now. He asked again tonight if he could come back home if he would get help and start working on our marriage. I told him, again, "No". I want to see him get therapy first and even then I am not sure that I can take him back after all of those things he said. It has tainted my view of him and I am afraid the damage is considerable.

If any of you were to meet my husband, you would all think that he is a very down-to-earth great guy who would not even think of doing or saying things like this. I told my in-laws and some of my own family what tranpsired, and they were beyond shocked at these things. My father-in-law talked to my husband and told him that this is abuse.

I am hurt by all of this, but I am also extremely angry after all that I have been through, especially in the last two years.

The first five years of our marriage was really good and we were very happy. The last five years, he started acting very selfishly. He was gone a lot, he started going out with his friends and became more and more busy. The last year before the affair was even worse. Some weekends were competely packed with recreational activities out with his friends. I became very irritable and stressed because he was rarely home and I had the care of our 4 small children. Naturally, all of this resentment affected our sex life. He accused me of being a nag and I asked him if there really was any acceptable way to ask him to be home more and be a husband. This was NOT the man I had married. He was changing big time into someone else.

There are two things that keep me from kicking him to the curb: 1)Our 4 young children 2)Knowing what he was like before all of this. We were happy and he treated me very well. Even through all of this, he has always been a very hard worker and a very good provider. We own a homebuilding company and a remodeling company and he has an excellent reputation locally. He is very honest in his business dealings, and I know, because I help run the companies. It has been heartbreaking to see these behaviors which I never thought he would even think of doing.

I honestly do not know if he is involved with anyone else or the OW. I have asked him, of course, and I have been snooping around, but have come up with nothing. Considering how much he is whining about missing being at home and having no place to go, I tend to think that maybe he is NOT having another affair. But, at this point, nothing would surprise me.

Mom2-4;

You are in the driver's seat. This is YOUR decision and you have no reason whatsoever to rush it.

Start measuring time in months and years....because that is how long it would take to fix this. He can't have made enough progress in days or weeks. He has a LONG way to go.

So, start with deciding whether you want to continue this marriage. Obviously if you decide *not* you will know your next steps. Its equally likely you will decide to try.

If that is the case, then start thinking about your boundries and what he needs to accomplish to make you feel safe to consider recovery.

How can he prove himself to you?
How can you measure his changes?
What will remorse look like?

Well, you are going to have to take some of the blame for allowing him to live such an independent life. I know you were probably trying to be a good wife, but he needed to be spending the bulk of his time with you and his children.

Now he may feel entitled to a seperate life.

I did the same with my ex, and all it did was cause resentment on my part and a sense of entitlement on his part. And I was the one more invested in the marriage.

Also did he want 4 kids? Just asking because you said the first 5 years were good.

Believer and everyone, I don't believe that I ever "allowed" him to live such an independent life. He just did what he darn well pleased despite any input from my end. I was always accused of "nagging". He even accused me of being jealous that he had more "freedom" to leave the house than I did.

He has acknowledged that all of this was very selfish on his part. He knows that he was taking advantage of my vulnerability. In the past year, he has been home with us,he has helped us and has cut out all of the activites that he indulged in before. He goes out sometimes with his Dad and his brother to catch a movie, but that is about it.

Yes, having 4 kids was a mutual decision. He said 4 was great, and neither of wanted more than that, so I got fixed.

Now,he keeps asking if he can come back home and has tearfully apologized for all of the things he said. He says he has nowhere else he wants to be and nothing he wants to do. But it is because he misses the kids. He wants to "learn" to love me again.

He said he felt like I still didn't trust him like I should during the past year, despite all of the changes he made. I told him that I was trying to recover without complete honesty on his part. I knew in my heart that he hadn't laid all of the cards on the table so my emotional rollercoaster was even worse. He said he was afraid to tell me everything, but the guilt was eating him alive.

Also, what do I do with the knowledge that I have been guilty of not always being there for him in the bedroom? All of these things he has said and done have been terrible, yet I know that I was not always there for him in that way. He said that he has never felt really "wanted" by me and that this woman came along and wanted him. I have told him that I refuse to accept BLAME for his bad decisions, but I know that our marriage was lacking in this area. I feel bad about that. I don't wish to paint this picture where he is all bad, and I am just a perfect wife. This is just not so.

I just don't know what to do now. I wonder if too much damage has been done.

That is a manipulative trick. To downgrade you so that you feel guilty, wonder if you really ARE bad or nagging, and therefore you stop giving any input. It worked for him, didn't it?

Now's your chance to change that. You have the opportunity to set up all the rules your marriage needs if it is to be healthy, and set up ahead of time the consequences he will face if he doesn't cooperate. I like the post-nuptual idea.

You can own your guilt at not enough SF for him but that only means that he should have been honest with you about not getting enough, NOT that it gave him the right to go elsewhere. Quit doing that.

Are you going to marriage counseling together? I wouldn't let him step foot in your house without at least 6 months of it.

catperson, He WAS honest about not getting enough. It was an ongoing issue in our marriage. I have a much lower sex drive than he does and I know that I was stingy. I agree about the marriage counseling.

I am trying to figure out if this is worth saving. I just don't want to get hurt again.