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#2031708 03/10/08 06:17 PM
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After 30 years of marriage and the last kid leaving for college, my wife left while I was out of town last Aug. I have worked through the devastation part and although the divorce will not be final for awhile yet, I have seen some attention from some nice gals that is helping me cope and know that life will go on, although I have not returned any attention yet.
I worked hard all our married life so my wife could stay home with the kids. I never drank or partied with the guys or gals. attend church every sunday and am quite outgoing and am still in decent shape.
My wife was unhappy with some intimatcy issues which were cut way back to the behavior that offended her happening maybe once or twice a year., although for the first few years of marriage there was never an issue. I have come to discover that she may have been abused sexually by her dad and brother and that may be why the behavior is offensive. She will not discuss it with a counselor or me. For the first 3 months after she left we talked and dated. Then she decided to end that, only to renew it 3 weeks later. She had a pa and aeveral ea's many years ago, but I do not think anything right now. I've checked. Out of the blue she filed a protection order and accused me of sexual assault when nothing happend, and 2 weeks after going out and ph calls. My kids and I think something is not right, but she also will not follow her doctors advice on hormonal therapy. I am dealing somewhat better at times than others, but still do not know what is going on with her most of the time. I have been forced to go dark with the protection order, and just this week with the birth of a grandchild she mentioned that I should have been there, but the order did not allow it, but perhaps she would talk with her attorney. Some days I do not get this at all. I was never the perfect husband but have worked my hiney off the last 10 years to get there. It just never seemed enough. I should add that when we went to couseling years ago she quit when the counselor pointed out I was doing the homework and she would not. She also quit counseling last year when the counselor suggested she work on her childhood issues after discussing me for 3 months. I certainly was not a great listener or very empathatic the first 15 years but have tried to do better since. Ideas?

Last edited by dbs; 03/10/08 06:46 PM.
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dbs,

I swore as I read your post that you were talking about my X. It is uncanny but so, so similiar.

She never accused me of sexual assualt but the rest of it is just like my X!!

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May not be great practice, but I would have the kids do an intervention on her. Have them (if they're willing) to sit down with her and ask, beg, demand, whatever, that she go to a doctor. Have one of the daughters (if applicable) go with her, so they hear what the doctor says about hormone imbalance. It can do a lot of damage.

It's not all that uncommon for a woman to leave a marriage after the kids are grown. But the sexual abuse is another issue. Sounds like she's developed a life of hiding and pretending and not owning up to her issues/actions because of it, and you would all be happier if she could get past it; that sometimes requires a breakdown of sorts, rock bottom and all, which is why I suggest bringing the kids in. Are the kids aware?

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I believe the kids are pretty much aware of all her pluses and minuses as they are mine. I guess the diff is that I readily admit to them and the need to continue to change and improve, where she will mostly point at me as the cause for her unhappiness. She has told me I ruined her life with sex, but then will admit to good times, including the bedroom. My sons are more outspoken to her that she needs to get help as she is not the nice loving Mom they know and love. My 4 daughters are somewhat less outspoken, but none are happy with the sexual assault charge or the order of protection. I have let the order stay, including giving up my firearms to the local pd to have it be her consequence. She commented to my daughter last weekend at the birth of our 9th gandchild that I should have been there (which the order would not allow). She and I were both at the birth of the last grandchild last oct after she had moved out and getting along quite well. I think at times she feels like we would be back together if we continued to hang out because she has depended on me so much over the years, and has mentioned her pride and stubborness are getting in the way of doing so. Add to that an attorney who makes more $ with the more crap they throw out and her letting others call the shots for her and she will end up being a lonely, bitter, single woman. I am a little encouraged with some of the softening, but talk is cheap. If she amends the order or something along that line then maybe she might indeed be leaning toward a softer heart. I take my lumps with bad behavior, or at least uninformed behavior early in the marriage, but I am beginning to think that her inability to let go of issues from 30 years ago and irrational behavior have more to do with her childhood expereinces and hormonal issues than even me? I hope the best for her and the relationship with the kids. They have expressed a desire to talk with her, but other than the boys who have done so, the daughters are somewhat nevous to get things out in the open and chance her shutting them out for weeks at a time as she has done in the last 6 months. Interesting though, as we watched "intervention" last night I and some of the kids commented about the similarity in regards to their mothers changed behavior in the last few years. Her comments go from one extreme to the other at times, but she has no hesitation in telling the kids (and me in Dec) about how lonely and miserable she is. It's tough. I wish she would really get some help and reconsider, but I cannot be involved at this point even if I wanted to. Pretty sad!

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So basically she's a tyrant who keeps people in line with threats of withholding and bad treatment.

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DBS, welcome. Am I safe in assuming you're fighting the sexual assult charge? I'd really hate for you to show up on Megan's list for a sexual assult you didn't commit!

If you are allowed to have written contact with your wife, I'd send her a Plan B letter. Basically it says when you married her, you married her for life and you still want to be married to her. However, her behavior is eroding your love for her. Therefore, in order to protect what love you have left for her, you will have no contact with her at all, until she does x,y,z. One of which will be to work with a counselor. If you want her to amend the protective order, I'd run the letter by your attorney first, just in case your letter would make things worse for you legally. And then, you sit back and let her miss you.

I'm also wondering if this isn't also partly a mid-life crisis. The kids are gone now, and she may be wondering what the heck she's going to do with her life. Part of that wondering may also include whether her life up to this point was fulfilling and valuable. WE know it was incredibly valuable, but she may have doubts, doubts that are aggravated by a hormonal imbalance.


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Cops have done nothing so far, other than saying my wifes story just did not compute, especially having spent time together and calling me and then 2 weeks later filing a charge.
I wrote that letter last Nov. I cannot contact her right now due to the order. I have told her on severl occasions that I could and would do better. I think she considered it for awhile, then something went boom in Dec. I believe it will take quite some time for her to realize that being miserable and lonely is a choice she does not have to make. I am afraid in that amount of time I will no longer be available. I guess time will tell. I hope and pray she softens her heart before the D is final and before she bankrupts us. It's almost as if she enjoys being the victum and being miserable??? It is way beyond me!

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I think she thinks since the kids are adults now, her time to be strong and keep putting the past on a back burner are no longer necessary.

She may have crossed a threshold in her life where she feels it's okay to have this be about her now. She doesn't have anyone else really depending on her, and it's okay to run.

You state that it was adolescent sexual abuse. At 11 - I don't agree. I think at 11, you're still a child and not thinking on sexual terms or dealing with sexual feelings at all, therefore unable to process this sort of abuse until she was older and felt safe at some point in her life to deal with it. I feel badly for what she went through. I just cannot imagine her anger. I believe she needs to confront the issues of her past and find closure, but I really think she needs a counselor to help her through that.

Last edited by Soolee; 03/14/08 02:03 PM.

Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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Truthfully, I wonder what would happen if YOU confronted her father and brother. Maybe she would see you in another light.

On the other hand, it may do no good at all and possibly some damage would be done. Sigh. Wish I knew the answers.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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DH 46
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Married 21 years.
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I don't think I would dare approach her dad or bro. She will say things like-"They will get theirs someday" but if someone else tries to get involved other than her family members she goes a little berserko wondering why it's anyone elses biz? And I am sure she would see it as an effort to deflect blame off of me, the real culprit for her misery.

She did not attend our sons wedding this last weekend due to the po still in place. Our youngest child is now getting married in June and according to that daughter my wife has said she is going to do something that let's us work together on the wedding and be there together. I let my attorney know today that unless we have to do certain things between now and then, that he could just take a break hopefully until after the wedding is over.

I promised my daughter I would do all I can so that there is a minimum of negative feelings and that we could all be together for that. I think there is always time for the D and not alot of time to make this as pleasent for our daughter as possible.

Last edited by dbs; 03/24/08 07:16 PM. Reason: more info

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