this is going to be a long post... basically my wife has cheated on me in the past, and since then I resented her for it, but am finally ready to let go of it. But that's not why I'm here. About 3 weeks ago, I was sick with the flu, and she started spending a lot of time with her male friend "Joe". Well, I was starting to feel uncomfortable with it, and we argued on a tuesday night about it. It wasn't the first time I had problems with her spending so much time with a male friend, there was once she spent 2 fridays in a row with another friend "Tim". She claimed I don't trust her, that I was accusing her of cheating. I kept telling her, All I'm saying is that it's an inappropriate amount of time to be spending with guys. Anyways, she spent all day friday with the guy, and I confronted her about it saying that we had just argued about the guy and you go out and spend all day with him again. That was her last straw, she left that night, started staying with him. I confronted him a couple days later telling him it wasn't right for him to have gotten between us the way he had. Anyways, she got mad and started going out with him. She's been staying at his mom's house and going out with him since she left. This guy is a real loser, can't hold a job, no car, 24 living at his mom's, alcoholic and druggie. Anyways, I've been to counseling since then, and trying to follow plan A. She has told me that she loves me, but not "in love" with me. Then she turns around and says that she loves us both and is trying to figure out what she wants, and appreciates that I'm giving her space. She knows I want to work things out, but at the same time she's going out with this guy, and is basically saying that if things don't work with him, then she might try again. I feel so used... been feeling empty since she left. So all I can do is sit and bide my time and try to work on plan A, but how much longer should I try this approach? I mean the guy has already offered to pay for her divorce, but at the same time, she keeps trying to turn to me because she had a falling out with one of her girlfriends over this, crying on my shoulder about it. She also is constantly out of money (she gets paid and spends it in the same weekend), has called into work twice since she left so is at risk of losing her job, won't talk to her family about it at all, because they all hate the guy. He dated her sister a long time ago, so they know what he is like. Last Thursday, she comes to me telling me, she loves us both, is trying to figure out who she want... says I'm controlling about her friends (which I said I would back off of, but still don't agree with) and he's controlling about other people. She said he was getting more complaining to put it politely, and told me that if it continued, she would probably be back. She took the roses and teddy bear I got for her as she left, even gave me a kiss. He got mad at her about it to the point she asked me to stop buying stuff like that for her. Everyone knows that the relationship won't last, her mom even asked me, "When "Joe" dumps her, will you take her back?" I've just been going out of my mind this whole time, switching from angry to crying. I love her and still want her back, but at the same time don't want to be runner up. So all I've been doing is trying to be there for her to a degree, discussing things with her (we've had more open honest conversations in the past 2 weeks than we have had in over a year), and trying to treat her with respect despite the fact that it has hurt me deeply. How much longer can this last? Sorry if it seems I'm venting... but I have started going to counseling to try to work on my problems, as I am guilty of many of the Love Busters that this site has mentioned. I have even admitted to them to her, and told her that I've been going to counseling about it. It still doesn't seem to matter to her, but at the same time keeps dropping hints like maybe we could work things out, but right now she is with "Joe"

sledeen - time to take a real hard look at your Boundaries.

She gets away with it because you let her.

Bottom line? End the affair and return home NOW, or the marriage is over. She's already had one admitted affair. Now you're letting her have another one with you waiting the wings until she "get's tired of him?"

She has already chosen to end the marriage. If you want to recover your marriage rather than let her have what she wants (a divorce), then it's time you took control of the situation. Either she agrees with the recovery terms or she doesn't.

You need to understand that "tough love" is needed sometimes, and this looks like one of those times.

If you want to try to save your marriage, I'm sure that others will chime in with suggestions, but they all begin with her ending the affair and renouncing any future "choice" to have yet another one if she doesn't like being a wife who "forsakes ALL others for her husband."

How long have you been married, and do you have any kids with this woman?

We've been married 4 1/2 years, no kids. She cheated on me less than 4 months into the marriage. I've been through this once before, only not married at the time. I know not to push too hard, but at the same time it's killing me to give her space. My boundaries as they stand, I have female friends, but don't go out of my way to spend time with them or talk to them, just kinda if I run into them I talk with them kinda thing, cause I know that it's wrong to spend so much time with other women being married. I used to go out 3 or 4 times a month, with friends that knew what happened, they would put her and me down, make me feel small about myself till I did what they wanted, which generally was not call and stay out all night. I have since stopped hanging out with them as much, and told them I didn't like the pressure they pushed on me. Everyone says I should just move on, but my heart won't let me. Like I said, I admit to several Love Busters, like the demands, disrespectful judgements, etc. I have told her since this has happened, I was wrong, that I should've discussed instead of going into angry outbursts, about why I felt the way I did, instead of saying she was wrong. I understand what I did, and am trying to work on myself, but it doesn't seem to matter to her. I feel that until she admits her mistakes that there won't be much hope in working this out, but I still want to try. Everyone knows this guy and his reputation, after all, this is his third gf in 3 months, and pretty much knows it won't work for her. I don't want to see her get hurt, but at the same time it's like she made her bed, she needs to lie in it to figure out what she done. Everyone's prediction is that he will end up hurting her/dumping her and she'll try coming back. Like I said, I have mixed emotions on that possibility. When this first happened, I suggested marriage counseling, she said it would bring up too many issues. My counselor says it's alright if she comes along, so I keep leaving open invitations to her, trying not to push her. I even tried suggesting that instead of jumping right into things, she stay with a friend or family and we could date and talk, she considered this possibility and agreed until "Joe" went against it. It just seems to me that he is preying on her and using any anger she has at me to get her to do what he wants. When she wants to come over to talk, he wants to come with her, when she's on the phone with me, he's standing next to her... I can't seem to get even a moment alone with her, because when she did come over alone, she brought her cell phone and he texted her the whole time. After an hour and a half of open honest talking, she said she had to get back because she told "Joe" she would be back by a certain time. Anyways, it feels like I can't even get a chance with her just because "Joe" won't let her around me for any length of time without contacting her or being with her. He actually had the gall to lecture me on how I should've treated her. She said I was controlling over her friends, but man, this guy is really seem to be playing puppetmaster right now.

It is good that you are working on the LB's and making changes. Affairs always end, and then you will be the attractive alternative.

But there is NOTHING you can do to save her. It is not in your power.

Are you taking good care of yourself?

Up until recently I've barely been eating, had troubles sleeping because dreams of her would wake me up, and my bad habit, smoking, has increased twofold. I have started making myself eat more, get more sleep at night, not letting the dreams wake me up and keep me awake. I know there's nothing I can do to save her... I still wish I could though. It will have to end sooner or later... though I wish it would be sooner rather than later. Everyone has told her what they thought of this guy, like one of her sisters told her that even if her and I didn't work things out, she needed to get away from him. Her mom even tried to get her to come stay with her, but my wife refuses and says she shouldn't have to give up her life. She knows his reputation, but refuses to pay attention to it. So I'm backing off of her for now cept when she calls I try to be loving and listen to what she says. She's called me twice crying on my shoulder about losing one of her friends she drug into the middle of this mess, all i could do was try to calm her down and see if there was anyway I could get her and her friend to talk. I'm trying to be there for her when she needs me, but at the same time distance myself to let her find out for herself that things won't work with him. It seems that she has become more responsive to me, but still refuses to leave him. It's only been about 2 1/2 weeks since she left, but they have already had arguements mainly over me, because she brought the roses and teddy bear I got her back to his mom's house. He just found out we kissed and she just saw his profile that said he was single looking for whatever he can get, got mad that it was pointed out to either of them by a third party. It seems that they argued and are trying to work it out, but still, they are already hiding things and lying to each other. It's a crazy situation and I don't see it lasting much longer, especially since it sounds like he might be going to jail soon for at least 30 days. I've read enough that if and when it does end, and if she comes back, that she will go through withdrawl.

Can I suggest you find a gym and join it? If you can't afford one, start walking and jogging, or find a local basketball pickup game. You need to start getting exercise into your body so your mind will follow along. Make yourself more attractive - physically and mentally. If you want her back, you have to start looking better than that jerk. Be strong, smart, sympathetic, and quit smoking so you'll smell better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

..and she cheated on you already, 4 months into your M, eh? My advice: Get away as fast as you can from that woman. Plan D followed by a permanent Plan B.

You have no boundries. If you do not want to divorce WW at this time then you must go to plan B.

That means zero contact with your WW until she gives up her OM and comes home.

Time will either make her miss you or you will get over her and get a divorce.

OHH OHHH!!!!!!!! I second, third and fourth THIS! EXERSIZE any way you can. It is great for your body and it elevates endorphin levels (natural mood enhancers). I know you don't WANT to do it but I Guarantee if you start you will realize how good it is for you and you will keep doing it.

Sledeen,
I agree with TheRoad and ManinMotion. Read up on Plan B. You have no kids so you are not tied to her for the rest of your life. I know it is hard to see right now because this is very painful stuff, but you are in a Great position! You can get away from her and make yourself the best YOU you can be. Then your life will get better and you will have a better idea of what you want for your future. If your WW shapes up and wants to be a part of that, then it's up to you to decide if you want that. YOU will then be in control of yourself and decide what you will and will not tolerate. She's already out of the house. She's with the OM. She's gone now and can't do anything to hurt you more than she has. Write her a good Plan B letter and get busy so you don't have to think about her.
All blessings,

Today was a confusing day... there was a pregnancy scare I found out about yesterday, but apparently she went and found out she wasn't. It's a relief and a bit of a disappointment at the same time... funny to say. Then she talks with her friend, and asks her if I'm dating anybody yet? What is this people, are we in high school again or something? She already knows I had a chance to go out once with a girl I knew and passed it up, why would she be checking up on this? Trying to see if I'll be there for her to fall back on when things don't work out? Then she texts me asking if I'm going riding today on my motorcycle... what the ******, I mean, was she wanting to ride also or something? I don't have it in town yet, it's in storage at my cousins, so I told her so. She asks me to pick up her dog's meds, that she charged them already and would pay for them on Friday, which I'm taking care of the dog, since she can't have it at OM mom's house. So I go ahead and pick them up, cause no use in the dog suffering because of what's going on, she texts me thank you when I told her I picked them up, and I was going to leave it at that. She then texts asking me if I was mad at her or something cause I didn't reply... I thought it was the end of the conversation myself, but I blow it off saying I got distracted cutting my brother's hair, which I was. What the ******, why the sudden boost in talking to me? Why the interest in seeing what I was doing? Oh yeah, fixed my truck today, which her and OM tried doing (not sure why) for 2 days, it only took me an hour and a $1.27 part to do... I'm still laughing about it. Still, it's been a confusing day, like her asking if I was getting off work early... I don't know what's going through her mind right now... maybe when her friend pointed out that I haven't been yelling, or getting violent and going to counseling and she had to admit that we were talking better the last 2 weeks than the last 2 years, it got her thinking... but I doubt it. Then again, she's playing like 2 different people, when OM is around, she says she's completely happy where she is at... when OM isn't around, she complains about him, saying he's getting ****** and controlling. Sounds like only 2 reasons she doesn't leave him... 1. Everyone tells her OM is no good, trys to tell her what to do, so she takes the spoiled brat approach, "nobody is going to tell me what to do, I'll show you"... and 2. She apparently heard how several of OM past relationships ended with him blowing up, so she's scared to. I know, I can't save her, won't even try... she has to learn for herself... but I'm about to the point if he does lay his hands on her in anger, or hurts her in anyway, I'll take him out myself, but apparently there is already a line, cause her friend already told her that if he did anything like that, she would shoot him. What happens now, I can't change... I'm starting to accept that... it's wondering if she will learn from the situation that's got me confused. Oh yeah, I made another counseling session in a couple weeks... so far every session I made, I've left an open invitation for her to join... I think I would die of a heart attack if she did... but at least the offer is on the table.

Sledeen,
Your story sounds very similar to many other stories I have read here. Your WW dangles you on a string, feeds you the same BS lines, but ultimately doesn't want to lose you. She just wants to make a pet out of you until she gets dumped by the OM.

You are noticing the first stages of her realizing her actions may cause you to sever ties with her for good. And this is a VERY good thing! The more independent you become and the less willing to deal with her drama, the more frantic she will become to get and hold your attention. Your WW sounds like one of those that will go positively [email]bat@#$^[/email] crazy if you go to plan B. She will be beside herself trying to check up on you and exert her influence over you (in vain, right?), which will put a huge strain on her affair.

I completely agree with FH that you need to show her some tough love. Make it clear to her that your willingness to reconcile is not an open-ended offer. I wouldn't set a timeline here because that just tells her how long she can continue to screw another man. Leaving the deadline ambiguous will force her to always worry about whether "Is today the day he turns his back on me?". Then after another 2 weeks or so of your best plan A, get the Plan B letter to her that clearly lays out why you are severing contact and your REQUIREMENTS for the reconciliation. Then go completely dark. Act like she doesn't even exist until she is ready to abide by the letter.

This all supposes that you still want a wife who has cheated on you twice in a 4-year marriage.

Good luck!

Sledeen, your marriage is done.

Stick a fork in it and bail out before you impact.

I have to agree. A woman who runs to be with another man - while her husband is sick with the flu?! Why would you want that life?

You deserve better than that. Please consider leaving and finding someone who actually loves you and is not using you.

I know first hand at these symptome.

My wifey didn't even stay with me in the hospital when I got shot.

Well, apparently OM got busted last week for paraphanalia and possession of 3/4 ounce of marijuana. I think it's funny myself. I also keep hearing of her behavior even prior to the start of A. It seems she would go out get drunk and hit on any man around, much less when she was sober texting guys trying to get them to come over. I'm about ready to wash my hands of the whole situation. The only way I can see this working out right now is for her to seek professional mental help, plus counseling. It's like she equates sex with attention, which pretty much tells me that the saying Once a cheat, always a cheat is true with her. I may have been guilty of Love Busters, but at the same time, I'm finding out I was more justified than I thought, pretty much every single time. I'm just trying to accept what should happen, what's going to happen, and what's already happened. It's not easy to do, I still love this woman, still miss her, still want to be able to work things out, but I just don't see how it's going to be possible, even if she did give me a chance. She just keeps saying she can't put herself through it again, not right now. She says that she has to do this for herself and see where it goes. Everyone knows where it will go, he's been known to get drunk in the past and slap a woman around, he's probably going to jail, they are constantly out of money, in fact she took out a payday loan on Monday, because she already spent all her check on Friday, and his mom is already giving them 5 dollars a day, like they have no money again. She's using her cell phone at work, which is a big no no, could get her fired from her job permenantly, which her bosses are getting ready to find out about so they will keep an eye on her. Her friend used to work out there, been trying to get back out there, and is pissed that Anna pretty much is blowing off her job. Oh yeah, his mom caught her in another lie, dealing with the cell bill specifically. Apparently, his mom loaned her 85 to pay on the cell bill, where that money went, nobody knows. I ended up paying it about a week later when she asked me too, knowing that her half of the federal income tax check would cover it. His mom just found out about it, went in, had a statement printed off, and confronted Anna about it. Pretty much told her that if she lied to her one more time, that her butt would be out the door, and if her son didn't like it, his would be out too. And this folks... Is the days of our lives. It's just so crazy... I feel like it's a soap opera... like I said, I'm beginning to question whether it's even worth it.

It's not. You deserve better than this. Run away.

alright... new complications... she lost her job, running herself further and further into debt, drinking heavily, and possibly doing drugs (Speed from what I hear)... how on earth would I deal with these problems if she ever decides to come back?... and here's the kicker... I changed the locks... and the following conversation just happened yesterday. "R you going to make me off a key to the appartment or what are you going to do b/c I want one that way I can come and c my dog if I want 2" to which I replied. "I don't know Anna, are you going to come back and try to work things out? It's been a month and I'm just getting more depressed by the day. For the past 3 nights, I woke up early cause I've been having dreams about you... it's getting to me that much... hell, I've had at least 9 dreams about you since you left. I'm tired Anna; tired of getting the blame for everything, tired of being depressed, tired of being second best... I can make you one, but I really want to work things out." I still haven't got a response to this, though she has been online today... was this too harsh, or not harsh enough?... anyways... I'm beginning to wonder just how far down she will go? that, and I'm wondering if it's worth it, seeing how bad she's screwing up her life, and it's only just been a month?

Please don't give her a key! I watched my BIL's alcoholic girfriend CONTINUOUSLY break into his house to steal stuff to use to buy more liquor. Once it gets hold of you - any drugs - she is no longer the same person. Please don't open yourself up to that. The ONLY way you can help her, if you still care, is to do tough love and make her hit rock bottom and HAVE to change.