Hi
Several months ago I posted about my wife having an affair in our home, and the fact that I recorded her with the OM.
She denies everything and tells me that I am too insecure and that I should stop bringing it up, so I wanted to beleive her becasue I love her.

Well she did it again, I still recorded her, she brought him back into the house the next day after church, and she just finished bringing him into the house in Feb 05/08.
I confronted her again with this, even played his voice , she denied it again, argued with me and told me if I believe that she is doing it I should just leave as she is not holding me here.
The conundrum for me is that she treats me and my children good, we are going on a trip this weekend to see my children
She looks at me with a look of total honesty, I want to beleive her, I wanted to save our M, but she just wont admit to anything and I need to be able to trust her.
I have been looking for a place, I am thinking that it would be best to leave, I cant make her admit it, I would forgive her in a second, she tells me that we have so many plans for the future, she wanted to help me get a new car, buy a new house , and build our finances, but at the same time I dont trust her, and my heart wants this future she is talking about, she told someone that when she firts met me she was not that attracted to me, yet she stayed.
Please , help me as I am confuised about what to do.

What kind of recording? Video, audio? Is it incriminating or just hazy 'could be'? If it's incriminating, and she still refuses to accept responsibility, you'll have to give her consequences, whether it's separating or papers or forcing marriage counseling, or something, whatever works for you. If you don't do something, she has carte blanche to KEEP doing it. You have to do something. It's not helping her any, by allowing her to continue.

I guess the first thing I would do, after talking to her one more time, give her one last chance to admit it and go forward, is to expose the affair. Her parents, her siblings, your family, the OM's wife and/or family, and their work if they work together. It is the one sure-fire (well, almost) way to stop an affair. Have you read the material here on stopping an affair?

No I havent read it, I will though
I edited the recordings and have his voice load and clear, I have her voice, this has been going on since sept.
I confronted her and she adjusted what she was doing to cover up her tracks...I played the evidence for her, and left the cd out , the cd has since gone, I was speaking to her last night about the recordings because she was upset and angry that I keep bringing it up, she wont say that she didnt do anything however, she has never proclaimed her innocense, she tells me that I know in my heart that she didnt have an affair and that I should just let it go.

That I'm bringing undue stress in the house, I tell her that she is theone who has brought the stress into house by inviting another OM in.. it goes round and round, we tried counceling, she didnt feel the need to go as she had nothing to hide...

She is a habitual liar, she lies about little things with such regularity its mind boggling, this is my second marriage, I was and am so muchin love with this woman,but I cant get a handle on whats going on, it just doesnty make sense to me you know....

I will try the MB save your marriage info, I have though been looking for a place, we have only been married for a year now and all this in the first year mind you, I am so glad that this place is here, I was holding this in, neeeding someone to talk to about this , thank god for you all as I have been going crazy living with this situation...

If you look up and see that the sky is blue, do you need someone else's validation to KNOW that it is BLUE? I don't understand why you keep asking her if it is TRUE if you know the truth? YOU DO NOT NEED THE ADMISSION OF A LIAR to know TRUTH. You HAVE the truth.

Why do you keep ASKING HER? So that she can deny it and you can play a pretend game?

You are CHOOSING to ignore the truth on the alter of WISHFUL THINKING. You know the truth but it is easier for you to pretend it is not true so YOU WON'T HAVE TO TAKE ACTION, right?


Do you also have a NEED to believe TRUTH? Or do you prefer fantasies? It would be INSANE to trust an untrustworthy person. You know full well that your W is UNTRUSTWORTHY. You have the evidence in your hands that she is untrustworthy, so why would you choose to PRETEND she is something you KNOW she is not? Illusions do not make people happy. As you can see, conflict avoidance has only caused MORE conflict.

Why are you choosing to be a chump, my friend? Why are you denying reality? That is not in anyone's best interest to play pretend games like this. It is dysfunctional and it is damaging to your mental health.

You have a wife who is screwing men in your own home. She is defiling your home, disrespecting you and subjecting you to STDs.

Why would you choose to live like this?

You have made a dreadful mistake in your choice of a wife, my friend, if she is bringing men into your home just a few months after marriage. You married a habitual liar and a cheater. If I were you, I would cut my losses before you lose everything. She is dangerous to you and I am appalled that you would expose her to your children.


You will not be feeling "love" for long, I assure you. Lying and cheating are sure fire love busters. And when you fall out of love and grow to hate her, you will have nothing except a deceitful woman who has no respect for you whatsoever. Deceit and thoughlessness and cruelty are not traits that will sustain a marriage.

You have made a mistake in your choice of a wife, healingman.

Why are you denying reality? You know the truth, you don't need her to confirm it for it to be true do you?

I was in denial myself for awhile, it can't sustain itself without you losing your sanity.

Have courage, do what you have to do to start protecting yourself from this manipulator. You say she treats you and your children well, I think you really need to examine that statement, as it is obviously untrue. You need to redefine what you believe to be good treatment.

Healingman...I agree with Mel. Cut her loose. She is a bimbo at best....you can and should do much better.

I agree with ML that you are fooling yourself. You may just not be ready to admit it to yourself that this is really what is happening. I think that a crisis like this sends you through the stages of mourning denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...maybe not in that order.

You are in denial. If you have proof of her bringing another man into your home, than you know. You may not want to know. I was there too. Everyone around me could see and I kept defending DH...

You need to set your own boundaries. Are you ok with the way she is behaving? If so, then do nothing. But if you don't like the idea of her cheating, then tell her that you cannot live in a marriage like this. Let her know that this is unacceptable and that you will not continue with the marriage unless she changes her behavior.

She says she doesn't want to go to MC because she has nothing to hide...hmmm...most of the time, if you are innocent you are willing to share whatever the other person wants in order to show you their innocence. Look up "gaslighting" on google. It sounds like she's using this technique on you.

Keep posting here. You need to share.

Healing2
you need to study up on what makes a healthy man..
(self esteem, boundaries, inner worth etc.)..you sound overly dependant on having this particular woman..
you also need to study up on what destroys marriages ...ALL MARRIAGES... lying, lack of respect, dis honesty, lack of trust..physical abuse, emotional abuse... NO MARRIAGE can survive these
as far as going to couple counseling... any spouse should do it.. for no other reason than their spouse WANTs it. she should do it as a gift to you....
it would be a good idea for YOU to seek professional counseling.. to get insight into yOUR personality..it never hurts..and/read some books on "men"
keep posting here..BUT...be careful the advice you take
regards
jerseyboy

healing, I agree with jerseyboy that you should be careful about the advice you take here. Most especially the advice to get "couples counseling." Be very WARY of "marriage counselors," as they have the absolute WORST track record of any of the counseling disciplines with a 16% success rate. They have NO idea what they are doing and actually have a higher divorce rate than the gen. pop.

Most MC are not pro-marriage and cause more harm than good. Rarely do they ever understand the dynamics of adultery and out of ignorance, become nothing more than DIVORCE FACILITATORS.

"Counseling" is not the magic bullet as some folks tend to believe. We have dealt with the fallout of bad counselors many times on this board. The harm they do is wide and far.

So I would very much agree with jerseyboy to be careful about the advice you take, starting with the suggestion to go to "couples counseling." If you can afford counseling, go to STEVE HARLEY, who does understand the dynamics of adultery and has the ear of his father, Dr. Harley, an experienced, savvy psychologist. They are the best in the business, IMO.

Here is an excellent article about how and why Dr. Harley developed Marriage Builders:

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages

I confronted my WW, and told her that I found a place and plan to move out, it turned quite emotional, she cried and cried and I felt so bad for her, me, she denied everything, telling me how she is such a good wife, that I tormented her for months with my prying and that I'm controlling and selfish and she couldnt breathe, and I fell for it, the tears and anguish, I started to doubt what I have listened to, I installed a good sound card and studio headphones, I am hearing all kinds of things, when I send it to others to hear for validation they tell me that they dont hear anything of interest, I know what I hear, I sound like a broken record I know, I wish it was easy, like when I first found out that she was cheating, I wanted to run for the hills, but I was stuck, I just moved to her home town, my credit was shot, and she was always telling me I should leave, and that she is not holding me here, I remeber when the affair was going on, I couldnt hardly touch her, she was always so tired, she never called me on her breaks, we hardly communicated, and in therepy she balked at the idea of calling me to stay in touch with me to calm my fears, now she seems to be doing all those things to keep me, but I dont trust her, at all, I cried like a baby in her arms, and she still brought him over to our house, she hides under the viasage of a good and caring person, that noone can say a bad thing about her, and I almost beleived that, but I go back to what I have and I know what is going on, but when she cried, and she never cries, that threw me, it was so so heart felt, painful, confused, I am, I am still keeping my place, she does not know where it is.
I am grateful to this forum, a place where I can open up and sound off whats in my head, please continue to support me.
Take Care

Is she willing to go to see a MC? Perhaps a neutral party and safe environment will help clear the air. While it will not help the M during an A, you may be able to address the habitual lying and get her some help. Just a thought.