My CH has ended his A, but continues to chat online with another young woman. He swears it is all innocent, but I know thats how it starts. I am considering asking this young woman to discountinue anymore contact with him out of respect for our relationship since we are trying to rebuild our relationship. I think she would listen to me and may even respect my wishes. Has anyone done this and if so what were the results. I have no desire to be rude or attack this person, but I think if she new how sincere I was she would break off contact.

In a case like that, if it hasn't been going on very long, it's worth a shot. Just a short note letting her know that your husband is married, having trouble establishing appropriate boundaries, you want to recover your marriage so out of respect would she please stop communicating with your husband.

If she does break it off, your husband will be mad, but good for the girl.

If she doesn't, watch out. You could be in for round 2.

If she already knows he's married and they have been chatting in a personal way, it could be too late, but I would still give it a shot.

In order for your marriage to make it, this problem is going to have to be addressed. Your husband will have to be on board with recovery efforts. If he won't participate, Plan B is an option even if there is no ongoing A. In a case like that it would simply be to protect you (and your love for him) from being hurt by his continued bad behavior.

If he wants to remain a part of your life, he will need to make some major changes. You will both need to learn to meet each other's needs.

Cricket,

Your F(?)WH is showing a complete disregard for your feelings by continuing inappropriate behavior for any married man, especially one who has already engaged in an affair.

It is possible that he has little idea of the damage his affair did to you and to your marriage. I have to ask if you did any marriage counseling?

He appears to have a real problem with personal boundaries which would really worry me. Unless he protects himself from, well, himself, he will likely repeat his mistake again.

Please provide more information like your ages, how long you have been married and whether or not you have children. These factors will impact the advice you get from the folks here on MB.

Who

Also, in most cases I would not advocate contacting an OW.

Two main exceptions:
~If there is a chance she doesn't realize her "boyfriend" is married
~To send a CC of the PBL

This girl may fall into category #1, so it's worth a try to let her know. But any OW who proceeds knowing their "boyfriend" is married, should be ignored until a copy of the PBL is sent, and then ignored after.

General rule of thumb for dealing with OW's: IGNORE LALALA

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I agree with Who - the common denominator (i.e. the elephant in the room) is not these women, but your H. He is every bit as responsible for the affairs and his actions as anyone else, so I would look for him to stop his actions, rather than trying to control whom he may or may not be in contact with. Since he just stopped one affair but is already well on his way to #2, it appears that your recovery has yet to commence.

Deal with the problem (him), not with the symptom (her). If he won't quit the contact, then you are getting a very important message there.

AGG

You asked about contacting the OW.....read my sad story....I tried to be OW's friend starting with when she called me to apologize after D-Day #1.

It could work, but it could be a bad idea....she could use you somehow and drive your H further underground.

That's what happened to me. OW lied and reconnected with WH twice, the first time while still emailing me saying she would try to rebuild her own M, and the second time when I had cut off emailing.

It was wrong but it accomplished 2 things:

* My WH saw what a liar she was in what she told me compared to what she had told him. He recognized his own lies, but she was in denial about hers. That deflated her account in his lovebank really quickly so we could begin recovery.

* When we discovered 6 months later that we should send an exposure packet to her husband, I knew from our chats and my husband's recollections how to search and find his work address and phone....so I called him and then sent the proof.

Dr. Harley said that even though I tried to be her friend, that she is actually an enemy. I did not want to be rude, either, but that may be what it takes to fight for your marriage.

Welcome to MB.

Ace

When I found out about my SO's A I contacted the OW. She had known about me all along and her only comment was that she didn't appreciate being contacted by me. My SO ended the A soon after. A few days after finding out about that A I also discovered my SO's secret facebook account where he was carrying on with another woman. I found his password and loged on, I introduced myself to her and told her all about our relationship and home life. I also told her about the OW and how our home was being wrecked by these affairs. As it turned out, the one on facebook knew nothing about me and she was mortified for having inadvertently caused me and my family so much pain. She immediately broke-off all contact with him.

I say go for it.

Oh my gosh. How did you find the password? I've tried everything I can think of to get access to my H facebook page. Of course, I messed up by confronting him with it. He tells me that the OW probably set it up for him...whatever.

In regards to the original question, I have to agree with what I see here. If she doesn't know he's married...it might be a good idea, otherwise it's best to just ignore. After all, if they're determined to continue the relationship...they will...and it will be more secretive than ever.

Cricket,


Look under the spying 101 thread and get a keylogger.

I didn't really answer your original question. Sorry. I think that there may be a benefit in at least letting this new OW know that your WH is married. Beyond that, it will be a waste of time.

Don't make the mistake of blaming the OW for your WH's behavior. You might scare away this particular OW, but if he has a propensity to cheat, he will simply find someone else.

I am not saying that this is necessarily the case, but until boundaries are established and maintained, your marriage is vulnerable to other inappropriate relationships.

Who

Regarding passwords etc.

Key loggers are great to gather this information, however you need to be careful when you use them.

Often they will trigger the anti-virus if a scan is run. For most computers these are setup to run nightly. So if your WS has any computer knowledge at all you need to either disable the anti-virus, or remove the logger before the scan.

I found my WW's passwords this way, I noticed when she used the computer the most and setup the key logger right before and took it off very soon after.

Also keep in mind not all key loggers are innocuous, and chances are if your WS finds out you know their password, they will change it or find some other way to communicate.

I'll go over to the spying 101 and see what I can add to it. As a person who does network security for a living I probably have a lot of toys I can add. :-)

I have added my info to my sig block, but just in case.

Been married 22 years this Friday
Im 41 he's 48
DS is 16
DD is 14

I totally agree with you on the inappropriate behavior, but he doesn't see it that way. He said they are just friends and that when he couldn't come to me about the affair when he was breaking with his lover this "friend" was there. This young lady lives in Thailand so he thinks since she is thousands of miles away it is safe. She knows about me and our problems. I just wish she would go away. I did read their chat session and it was very platonic only he did call her sweet thing.

My FWH has agreed not to be in contact with any woman who is not a relative, business associate or long-term friend (of both of us). He has given me full access to his computer (after I put a keylogger on, of course). I asked him to discontinue e-mail contact with several women and he complied. One was quite nasty to me about it, but the other was completely understanding. There are one or two that he just let "drift away", but I would like him to confirm NC with a formal email. He is reluctant, for some reason, to do this.

I did contact OW#2 and OW#3 after D-day. OW#2 was very supportive and eager to work on her own M (even though she did not expose the A to her H). She had serious jealousy issues (a huge LB for my H) and so never wants to be in C with my H ever again, because of A#3.

OW#3 is a nasty piece of business. She was the one who revealed the As to me. She continued to try to contact H via cell phone, text messaging and e mail. He changed his cell phone # but did not change the email add. Her messages were full of lies and delusions. She hated the very thought of me.

I would contact this woman and ask her politely to refrain from further contact. Explain as much of your situation as you feel comfortable doing. Unless it is an A, she should be understanding and compliant.