I could go on for a while with a long history, but those of you that are on this forum much have heard it all before - just different themes. I'll get to the point, and answer any questions as they come up. Bottom line is my wife has had two sexual affairs in the past 3 1/2 years, another emotional affair that I caught very early on that would have become sexual, and then recently I caught her texting and emailing an old high school classmate that had romantic overtones. That was it for me, I told her that although I did not want a divorce, she had left me no choice. We've been separated several times through all of this, last year for 7 months.

When I told her we were going to have to get a divorce, she had forced it with her behavior, she suddenly began to admit to having issues, etc ... and that I wasn't really the main problem after all, although she blames much on me for not meeting her needs. She does not want to divorce. So now we are going to a 2 day intensive counseling with Haven of Safety in California in April. But I'm just not sure anymore, I feel like I've given all I can give.

Am I an idiot? Too stubborn for my own good? What is the chance that this last thing is really going to change the dynamic here for us? I just don't know that I can gamble my heart with her one more time. Please offer advice, opinions, etc ... No need to soft sell it. I want honest opinions on what the liklihood is of fixing this.

I wouldn't say you are an idiot, just very very hopeful. I think I could forgive if my wife was in an affair once since there is always two sides to an argument. I don't think it is acceptable, but I can see how not meeting needs can weaken someone resolution and let them get into such trouble.

However, your situation shows repeated affairs, both physical and emotional, which shows a level of addiction to it.

Whether it's time to throw in the towel or not is a question only you can answer. You are the only person that really can see if she's finally "got it" or if she's just against the wall and saying anything to get her way.

I would say that she would need to agree to complete and utter openness with no expectation of privacy in anything. If she asks, "Why? Don't you trust me!" then the unemotional and simple answer would be "No. I love you, but I don't trust you yet." Either she will accept her role in that situation and agree or it will be a deal breaker and she will leave. Protect yourself, be honest, and be ready to move on if needed. Work toward the best, but plan for the worst...

Have you read the material here on how to deal with an affair? There are a lot of specific steps you have to take to make your marriage work after one. Please read it, if you want to stay married. Otherwise, your marriage is doomed.

Even if you don't want to stay married, read everything here. Conduct your own Plan A and B, even if it's for yourself, not to save your marriage. The amazing thing is that not only is it possible to save your marriage using these tools, you are pretty much guaranteed to to come out a better person regardless of what happens to your M.

Thanks. We actually attended a MB seminar in May of 2005, just after her first affair. That one was a killer - one of my closest friends, my son's basketball coach - and right in middle of basketball season. He was a big Christian leader, had baptized our kids, and son-in-law to the head elder of the church we attended. That one devastated my life - lost my church, my friends, divided a private Christian school, killed my ministry, angered and alienated me from God - it just about killed me as a person. I still don't know who I am. At the time we went to the seminar, she was still "in love" with him - even though he lied about it all and denied anything. He left her hanging. But she wasn't ready to apply all the principles here. So I am familiar with the MB principles for the most part - although I've forgotten some stuff.

I told her in January, after the last episode, that I was done. She basically asked me to reconsider and agreed to open email/phone records, return to her personal counseling, and seek this intensive counseling. But I'm to the point I just think it is one more thing to prolong our death. Maybe they'll make a breakthrough, but I'm just so worn out now that I almost don't care. I don't trust her, feel like she is manipulating me - because suddenly she is so sweet and attentive, etc... - and I'm just not going to play detective with her for the rest of our marriage. I understand the need for honesty and openness, but I shouldn't have to police her activities. Heck, I don't have the time or energy.

So I was just looking for some opinions. I'm asking lots of people what they think, but I know it will be my decision and mine alone.

Then I would say the likelihood of saving your marriage is poor. I don't see the love in her. Find someone who'll be grateful to be with you.

I think as long as you've honestly tried applying the principles here, and have no children, it is unlikely that she wills straighten up and fly right.

You deserve better. Just take what you learn from here and use it (after a lengthy break as a free man) if you decide to get serious with someone else in the future.

Truthfully, I wish I'd known about these principles before I got married. My high school had what they called a 'prep for marriage' course that I took, and we did the whole precana thing with our church, but frankly - knowing then what I know now from this place could have helped me a lot over the years.