{{{z}}} I'm so glad you've reached a good place. Good luck.

I thought I had reached a good place. Today my WH showed up and asked me for a second chance. He also sent me a long e-mail and has kept calling me nonstop all day.

I am miserable right now. Mostly because I feel guilty and I feel like I should give him a shot the way I wish he had given me. I still love this man, but I don't think I have the heart to give him a 2nd chance. There have so many more bad times than good.

The big D is the course of action that I need right now. I know that. I'm not sure how I will stay strong to move forward with this. I feel so bad for him.

Any advice on BS who ahve ended up where I am?

You need a support network. Family, friends, some sort of club you can join. People you can talk to or go to when you're feeling doubtful. And exercise! And volunteer!

I'm having serious issues right now. My WH is begging me for another chance and I don't want to give it to him.

He won't stop calling, emailing, texting. etc. etc. He is desperate. The more he does this the more I want to get away from him.

I'm worried now that I myself am sounding like I'm in the FOG that has been talked about here that WS are typically in. The reasons I give my WH that I don't want to try again are that

-I love him but I'm not in love with him
-Too much has happened
-I would like to remain friends with you

Doesn't that sound like fog speak to you?

I feel like my WH is trying to manipulate me into giving him a chance. I feel terrible, but I know what I have been through and I have been at peace with te impending D for about 2 months or so. He even had each of his parents call me and try to talk to me. They tried to use the religious angle to get me to work out the M.

People that don't even know this man tell me I am making the right decision by getting a D. But I can't help think about all the things I learned here on MB. Basically it teaches you that most M can be fixed no matter how far they have gone.

My biggest problem is now I'm feeling like the bad guy because I have closed the door for reconciliation. I waited so long for my WH to turn around, this just doesn't seem fair....

((((Hugs))))

It's still all about what he wants isn't it! - he's not asking what you want, is he?

He hasn't learned those precious things that could save the marriage and that's why you don't want back in. He's not demonstrating marriage-material skills.

Flat out tell him - you are not interested in him as the man he is. That this is no longer about what he wants or doesn't want. He hasn't undone the damage and he doesn't NEED another chance to get to work on undoing that - he just needs to figure out that the world isn't big enough to give him what he wants, then change his mind, then change his mind. He got what he wanted TWICE. That's all he gets.

Now he gets to learn how to be a better person. But, if he continues to feel the pain he needs to feel, he just might do it. If you or someone else lets him off the hook, he gets to continue sliding down the slippery slope to h*ll that he's been on.

Let him go - don't let him carry you down with him.

If he comes back a changed man after the divorce and decides to court you properly as a reformed MAN - your heart will tell you if it can handle the risk of taking a chance that the reform is real.

For now - your heart is screaming "H*LL NO!" No signs of true remorse/repentance and restitution!

Listen to your heart. He can always prove himself later. If he truly does want you back, he'll do the work to learn why he lost you in the first place.

You deserve more.

Walk away. It's not your job to be his friend any more.

Thank you all for sharing. I am having a tough day . I spoke with my WH yesterday who said he isn't chatting up an women but couldn't tell me when he stopped. He has half way left the house and only comes home when he needs more clothes. So I go to work today and find him online trolling for OW to chat up, so I call him up and call him a liar then hang up on him when he starts his babble about me giving him what he wants. AAAAARRGGGG We get into a heated discussion of him saying I need help (been to counseling though can't say the same for him) and me saying to WH stop living in denial of your addictions. I let him know that he should be communicating with me not OW and trying to work on this M if he still says he loves me and wants it to work. He says he is only looking for a friend to talk to (like I believe that line). He says to save the M you know how to do that (JUST GIVE HIM SF). Makes me feel like that is all he wants. SO I guess you can call all this him having EAs without PA but I can't trust him for nothing. I have no idea how long he has being doing this, at least since April 08 but most recently August through present. I don't think I love him anymore but do care about him. But it is hard to let go. I have good days and bad. I have been trying to move on and put my life together but still have to have contact with him due to our DD which is another thing that sets me off as he wants to spend time with her but won't commit because it interferes with either a) work (self-employed can set own schedule) b) his drinking or c) his other activities (EAs). I am trying so hard to be fair with him but cannot. I now starting to re-think what I will give up in the separation/settlement/child custody agreements that I am starting to work on. I am not a vindictive person but I'm giving it second thoughts. Thanks for letting me vent and share. This site has been a Godsend to me when I am feeling low.

Whoa...

Where to begin... To start.. This is Zora's Husband...

I want to start by saying I love her very deeply. I want her back more than anything in the world and I have told her this.

I am willing to do what it takes, and I mean anything to heal this marriage. ANYTHING.

She is at the point where is is ready to quit on me. God knows I am not perfect and I accept FULL blame for where we are currently.

I am looking for advice on how to start healing. I have read her story, it made me cry. I am such a fool and now I am about to lose the best thing to ever happen to me.

A few posts back she asked if she was in a fog... I think she is making the same mistake I made about 18 months ago, having a "friend" and seeing everything that is missing in our marriage. She told me tonight she is seeing someone even though its not physical yet... And cant commit to not see him. The same things I said about my full blown EA.

I am a stubborn person, I have wanted her back for so long, and just refused to give in and say it to her. Thats why we are still here today.

I need to change, alot. A real lot. I took the first steps this week. I have been to confession as well as set up talks with my local pastor to continue healing myself and my relationship with god. I tried to make peace with her parents and I believe I succeded in that.

I need help to get Zora to believe in me. She is at a point where she cannot commit to healing or marriage or even trying anymore. I will call the harleys, see any councelor, talk to the deacon who married us. (he has wanted to talk to us for some time).

I seem desperate because I know how close I am to losing her forever.

J - I love you, I want to make our marriage the beauitful thing it should have been all along. There is nothing that we cannot overcome. We can have all we ever dreamed and more. You fought for so long dont give up now.

So Ive been bothering her a few times tonight even though she does not want to talk.

I dont know what to think, dont know what to do, I fear the harder I try the farther she falls into the arms of another.

Zora,

I see the advice that was offered after your last post and I can only question how you did not mention you were seeing someone when you asked if you could be in a fog? You cant ask for advice without telling the entire story. Your actions are a mirror of mine those many months ago.

There is more, the reason this all started was I went though her internet history looking for a piece of furtinure I had seen a few days before. I saw lots of internet searches for having casual sex with friends, sleeping with a friend, what to do after sleeping with a friend and then a link to the morning after pill on CVS and when to take a pregnancy test. She swears to me tonight that she has not slept with this man and there is no physical contact at all.

I dont know why, given our history of telling each other the truth, but I choose to believe her. I cant say why, I am probably a fool and just desperate to win her back.

Help me, so much has happened today. I threw my heart on the floor to her and her parents this morning, found out that she was seeing someone a short while ago, and with the things I saw the other day, I am heartbroked and lost.

Its my fault we are here, 100 percent I dont doubt that. But it took buying a house and moving out to wake me up. I was stubborn, a fool, and every other word in the dictionary. I just want your love.

Please dont stop posting here, these people can help. Your plan worked, even though we never did a plan B. I wanted to come back for so long, I was just scared and stubborn. I wonder if you had done that would I have woken up sooner? I dont blame you, I blame me. I blame me for driving you where you are.

We can make it, no matter what. We can get past this and grow.

Help ! Anyone!

zora, what has happened is that you have fallen out of love with him because of years of lovebusting. You did everything in your power to save your marriage while you still had love for him and were rebuffed. It is VERY HARD to go back when you have reached this point. This is why we recommend that a BS go into Plan B, so that their love is protected from the abuse of the WS. However, it is too late for that when your feelings have gone the other way.

You are not foggy at all, your love for him has been KILLED by his ABUSE. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you for your reply.

I suppose my only choice at this point is now to let go myself, continue to heal myself, and continue to pray. I blew it.

I will respect her wishes and no longer contact her in any way. She can contact me when its time for paperwork for the divorce.

Thank you,

Eternally sorry.

K

The two of you will not be able to evaluate your chances of recovery until NEITHER ONE OF YOU have anyone else in the picture. Not physically, and not emotionally.

Zora, your "friend" is not a friend and needs to go, even if you get divorced. You won't know what you want till the dust settles from that.

Silverwind, start reading up here. No matter what Zora does, you need to go down the right path: NC letter, honesty, openness. Read about Plan A and Plan B so you understand better how affairs work. Have nothing to do with your adultery partner ever ever ever again. It would probably be easier if you start your own thread, too. Here is fine, but General Questions II under Infidelity gets a lot more traffic. There is plenty for you to work on, but that's a start.

You can both be happy in your marriage again, you can recover, but both of you have to be on board to succeed. Be patient with each other during this time, and we'll see what happens after Zora gets rid of her OM and you're both done with withdrawal.

Prayers for both of you.

thank you neak.


I ended my EA some time ago, I was just to stubborn. I still have contact with OW because of work. We chat but just small talk now. The EA is over but I can understand why I have to end it toally. With just buying a house I cannot up and quit although I would to save my marriage, I would find a way.

Zora will not give up the OM, I asked her for three months to back off with him and see what we can work on and salvage if anything. She was unable.

I will agree to any NC, and therapy, anything.

I know we can make it work, we can survive this. I just need her to fight a little more, she fought so long and gave up such a short time ago. 13 years is alot to throw away when we both have wanted this so bdaly, just never at the same time.

Now we can. We can both commit and do it.

Zora, all you have to do is read that sentence RIGHT THERE to know that you are right to pursue your divorce. This is long term abuse that has been going on for YEARS. Even when faced with divorce he won't give up his OW. You are exactly right to get a divorce.

"I dont know why, given our history of telling each other the truth, but I choose to believe her. I cant say why, I am probably a fool and just desperate to win her back."

HUH??????? History of telling the truth? Please, give us a break. And I don't believe for one minute that all of this was just an EA.

Did your wife's replacement dump you?

Wait, I said With just buying a house I cannot up and quit although I would to save my marriage, I would find a way.

I will do anythin. ANYTHING.

No, I ended that months ago. Zora has been talking with me throughout this entire thing. I saw her more in the past 2 years, talked more, chatted more, IM'd more, etc etc than in the previous 5.

My work is 2 miles from Zora's house. I went home to see her eve4ry day she was there. Just about EVERY DAY!!

We may have lived seperatly, but we were togather in ways more then ever before.

I screwed up big time.

Just meaningless talk. The point is you didn't "find a way" in all this time and it has destroyed her feelings for you.

Well, that is for her to decide. She saw my feelings for her.

She knows in her heart that they never left and I think she has them too. I think she is feeling guilt because of her relationship. I know that feeling, its not good. and it will get worse.

But I hear you all loud and clear.

I know what I have to do. I have to work on myself. I will.

And when I get there, I can only PRAY that she is.

You know what. I'll fess up. I did see someone else. This all happened within these last 2 weeks. I had accepted things were done and my WH was moving out of the house.

I actually went on only two dates with this person. The first date wasn't really a date at all. We just kinda hung out with a few friends. Then we went on an actual date date. There are no plans at this time for another date, though I may or may not accept another date from this person. i was truly not taking any of this seriously. It was just kinda nice to be treated well by someone. I have not emotional attachment to this other person whatsoever.

I wasn't out looking for someone, it just kinda happened. I was actually interested in someone else entirely tbh but that never panned out.

So there it is. I was wrong do to this yes, but how can you possibly blame me? Outside of the paperwork everything seemed at an end.