So, I have come to the realization that my WH is never coming back. I know that I need to let go of this relationship but I am having such a hard time getting to where I can begin to let go.

Everytime I start to think that I will have a new life and be ok with my WH, the next day something upsets me and I regress to I can get him back, I can make it work. But now I know that it's just not possible.

I think the trouble I am having is that he was able to move on so easily compared to me. He seems to be livinghis life and getting out there, and here I am, stuck.... I want to get unstuck. I have so much anger and resentment toward him. He treated me so poorly for years and then just up and left. I am not innocent in all of this I know, but I am having such a hard time getting past all of the anger.

I still love my WH. I wish him well and I want him to be happy.

He has asked that we remain friends. We have 2 dogs that neither of us is willing to give up, so we need to communicate to exchange them from time to time. I'm not sure if I can ever be friends. I have never remained friends with any of my XBFs ever. It's just something I find hard to do.

I need to begin to heal and move on from this R. But I am still stuck on the letting go part. I am obviously also having some anger/resentment issues. Is there any help/advice anyone can provide?

Thanks!

You can not force yourself to let go do not try. Live your life one day at a time. If he is still wanting to be friends it doesn't sound like he is letting go either.
Work on yourself, your home ect. Stay busy.
All things are not always what they appear to be.

With all my heart, I hope that you are correct on this. My wife has been on the divorce path for months now, but has done nothing about it, and attempts to be friends with me. She also doesn't reject any of the gifts I give her. We have 3 kids, and she will say it's for their sake.

She tends to make contact with me on the days I'm confident I can go through the day without her, or when she thinks that I may be upset with her. Today she went to her first appt with a lawyer and I was crushed when she told me about it. She's called a few times, and written a couple emails...with questions that she really doesn't need answered today.

I figure she either does care and doesn't want me to hurt....or she feels guilty and wants to make it not so hard to eliviate her guilt.

I'm trying to respond and not let her get the satisfaction either way. I don't want her to hurt either, but I can't stop her from doing what she's doing to herself.

This would be so much easier if I didn't love her anymore.

What is working for me is a modified Plan B. I didn't write a letter, as there are no circumstances under which I would take him back. But I have eliminated all but absolutely necessary contact. It was hard at first but eventually you realize that your days are better the further out from your last encounter. It's more difficult with small children - my DS was already an adult and could facilitate his own visitation with each of us without our having to meet on these occassions. We do play in the same baseball league so I do see him and OW once a week but I don't speak to either of them.

Plan B is actually pretty good regardless of what outcome you want. If you still want to keep the door open for him to come back, write a PBL first. I realize absolute darkness is nearly impossible for most people but you can really minimize it.

I am increasingly more convinced that staying friends with an ex is a bad idea, though I know some ex-couples who did and seem fine. I still wish sometimes that I could call WstbX up now and then, and I'm pretty sure there are a few favours he would do for me on a "friendly" basis. But it only leads to trouble so I avoid it and call someone else if I need help.

Well, it's been a while, so I'm going to give an update.

We got a few offers on our house, but in the end, I'm deciding to by the WH out. We recently had a stock option exercise at work, so I sold some options and now have enough money to buy him out. My parents are also gifting me money to refinance and take the house our of his name. They are glad to see me make decisions to move foward. Things are really looking up in this aspect.

Otherwise, I went on vacation to the southwest US for 2 weeks. Did some backpacking on 'The Grand Circle'. A friend and I camped in Zion, Bryce, Capital Reef, Arches, National Monument and the grand canyon. It was a blast. Being away from the WH felt so good. It didn't feel like the life was being sucked out of me when I was out there. And no walking on egg shells!

Anyway, when I returned, the WH was pissed. He was angry at me that I went to Las Vegas on this trip and that I went to the Star Trek Experience without him because it's something that we had planned to do together. My friend and I invited him repeatedly before we left. He refused to come stating that it was inappropriate given our current situation. Then he got drunk and blew up at me! Unreal.

Anyway, I can clearly see now that I will be better without him. The time away really put it in perspective. I feel much better when I am away from him.

I don't know if I will end up friends with my WH. He is such a brooding and depressed individual and I can't stand it. Emo went out in high school and it's time to grow up!

I am currently seeking counsel with a mediator to get things going with the paperwork.

Glad to hear it. And I'm jealous!

[/quote]
This would be so much easier if I didn't love her anymore. [/quote]

It has been a while since I have been here. Since the Divorce, I thought that life would just move on smoothly. Big understatement! So I am here again, reading and learning more. Your statement says perfectly how I still feel.

So, how do you let go of your love for someone that doesn't want it anymore? When asking this question, I usually get the same answer.... get out, stay busy, keep doing things to get your mind off of it, take care of yourself. I do, but in the end, I still love my XW. I know that there is no chance of getting her back, but I still haven't accepted it. I haven't come to that part of the grieving process yet.

I guess that is when you can let go and move on, when you have accepted it all for what it is. Oh but it is hard.

--------
Rummi
I have loved once, and no good has come of it. It was contrary to my nature to do so - to love in that mad passionate, self-sacrificing manner. But yet I did. I think I may say with certainty that I never shall be so foolish again.

For some people they never will. But, then again, is it really necessary to stop loving that person? I don't think so. To me there is a big difference between moving on and to stop loving. You can move on without it being necessary to stop loving. I say do not focus on trying to losing the feelings that you have for but rather to move on with your own life. I think what you really are after is some way to fill the void that she has left in your life. You need to find someone or something to feel the gap that she has left, not stop loving her.

Excellent point Nugget. I never really thought of it that way. I know that the love I have will not go away. But you are right, it doesn't have to go away to move on. I just have to bury it in a very deep hole

----------
Rummi
I have loved once, and no good has come of it. It was contrary to my nature to do so - to love in that mad passionate, self-sacrificing manner. But yet I did. I think I may say with certainty that I never shall be so foolish again.

You know, every time I think I am getting somewhere with moving on with my life... WHAM... something hits me from behind.

STBXWH and I were discussing our home today because I am refinancing to get his name off the mortgage and the deed. I told him that I wanted to see a plan for the day he would move out, in short, I don't want him living here indefinitley after the refinance is complete.

Needless to say, that pissed him off. Go figure. So we started arguing, talking about this, that, and the other and even bringing up how my parents hate him even though he tried to do everything right when exiting this M. Hmmmm. Interesting. How do you do right things when existing a M?

Anyway, it basically ended with him saying that he really should try to hate me because of all the evil things that I did to make him miserable. I told him he should. It really wouldn't bother me.

Instead he told me today he still loves me and couldn't hate me. SLAP...

There is no going back for me. Things have gone too far. Why do they do this? It's been a year and he pulls this out now. He hasn't used those words in over a year. He ahas only said he cares for me.

Right now he is feeling sorry for himself because all of a sudden all of these great things are happening to me. Personally I think its his way of trying to make me hurt.

He always said I belonged in a mental institution. Needless to say he tried to put me there but didn't succeed in keeping me there.

After the last year I think they need to make one of those places solely to study cases of WS. :crosseyedcrazy:

For all the BS out there, once you get your wits about you and start living through things like this, it makes it easier to let go....

He can't stand to see you moving on. Or else he can't stand to see you getting the house, lol. Good work.

Honey,there is nothing wrong with you. HE is the one with the problem. He just doesn't want you to move on is all. Sounds like he needs you to pine over him. He wants the best of both worlds. You feelings are still kind of raw but you are making a big step getting his name off the loan. And he knows that.
My cousins H was incredibly cruel to her. He called her one morning at 2 am wanting to "talk" in his hotel room. She went.....and saw how sick he is. He was laying in bed with nothing on.....and had also called the OW,who walked in. My sweet cousin left in shock and her family was there for her. She filed immediately and when she did.....He did what your H is doing. He merely wanted her to be his emotional punching bag and she finally said NO. She loved this man with all her heart.
But,they are finally divorced and she said that,after time,she felt absolutely NOTHING for him. The OW is no longer in the picture but she doesn't care.
Now,HE is the broken one. He wants so much to "give it another try" but she said it could never happen,not after that stunt he pulled. She gets stronger everyday. She got a great job and spends a lot of time with family and friends.....and won't give him the time of day. Their kids are grown and it's THEIR choice to have nothing to do with him. She never talked against him,to her credit. (I'm not saying you did).
Time,honey,Time. It's on YOUR side.:)

Hi sweetie!

Still "going to meetings"?
How is THAT part of your personal recovery going?
Have a sponsor?

If you get lost and confused ~~~> GO BACK TO BASICS

You sound excited about your prospects - don't lose that excitement when there is a hitch.


God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hold you up in prayer.

and I think you are OK
this recent crapola is EXPECTED

Your husband's expression of emotion probably seemed (to you) to have come out of left field
but those of us who have been on this forum long enough will say "Yep - as expected - sellers remorse"

Here's what you can anticipate: your H's fears will be expressed as anger.
When he acts out his anger .... (unless he is physically violent)
.... this one way you can react: "I can tell this hurts you. It hurts me too."

He will drop his weapon if you are consistently bringing the topic back to the hurts you both have.

Let us know if you have a particular question.

Please - use the "program" during a crisis - that's why it's there

with admiration and affection
Pep

What worked for me in letting go:

NO CONTACT. Sure, in the begining, I wanted to know how he is doing without me, if he misses me, if he feels as lonely as I do, etc. Then hey! I realise that he may be out having time of his life with his new found freedom, so why am I home pining? After two years of divorce, I still do not want to know anything about xwh. I don't hate him, I just do not want this person in my life. Give him the dogs too.

DO YOUR DAILY ROUTINES DIFFERENTLY. Take another route home. Try new cuisine. Watch your movies at a different cinema. Just live life differently because living the same routine reminds you of him not being there doing your routine together. Have a circle of friends who can be available to support you when you feel blue.

SET SOME GOALS. Setting goals allows you to have a different focus other than your misery. Achieving those goals lifts you.

UNDERSTAND YOUR EX. And that his behaviour is the reflection of his thoughts, his values, his character. I felt sorry for my ex when I finally saw how immature he is, and that he is unable to step up to being a person responsible for his own actions.

Anger will subside in time as you appreciate other blessings in your life.

I haven't visited here in a while, so here's an update.

Things are going as expected I suppose. I finally closed on the house so it's all mine now. WH moves out on the 26th.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I'm nervous that I'm not going to be able to do the upkeep the house on my own, but I'm also excited because I can do the things I wanted to it without any crap.

I'm pretty busy with projects around the house and my rowing. I've got plenty of friends to keep me busy too.

Though I know how unhealthy my M was, I'm still a bit sad that it's ending. Mostly sad because I really did like my WHs family. I also look at the whole thing and go what a waste. We were two decent successful people. Why did this have to happen?

I feel very little anger/resentment towards my WH anymore. It's mostly sadness. So I guess I've made some progress with letting go.

Ah well. I've got a lot of things coming up in the very near future. I'm going to India in Novemeber which will be exciting. And I've got about 4-5 races planned in the new england area.

Be well.

heheh

when i got the house, i had a field day redecorating

I wish I can letting her go.
My wife left me with our son back to her home town (550 miles away) about a week ago.
I still love her even she is having an internet affair with another married man in San Diego.

I miss my wife and my son.
She hasn't file for divorce yet but I know it is coming.

I just don't know how to move on.

Hi cwn525

I noticed you just signed in today and as sorry as I am that you are here, this is the best place to be in these circumstances.
It's not too late. You can still fight for your family.

First of all, I would recommend that you head over to General Questions forum and post your story. There is a lot more traffic there and lots of veterans who can help you with a plan. I'm sure there are some who have experienced a situation similar to yours.


Also, read everything you can on this site. Go to "Just Found Out" and read the threads for newly betrayed spouses. Also, read "Summary of Basic Concepts" and "How to Survive Infidelity" in the Popular Links.

Hang in there, and again-head over to General Questions. You will get lots of help and support.

Hi John
I will post my story over there...
I am glad I found this place.
Thanks, cwn525

So my WH finally moved out. Thank goodness. I can't believe I lasted that long with him living in my house.

Now at the 11th hour he is asking me why I look so happy and why I glow. I don't understand this man. This misery has been going on since Feb 2007 and now he has regrets. Sadly, there is nothing he could do at this point to turn things around, so I don't know why he persists in dragging things out and reminding me of house I wouldn't have SF and how I wouldn't try with him.

WHY!?

I am not the one who had a ski bunny for a friend and spent weekends away with someone else.

For once in the last year I am sure of the path I am on. The big D is the only way for me to find peace away from this crazy person.