I posted this in the Divorced/Divorcing forum and have not gotten any responses. I am really hurting today and would really appreciate any advice people could offer.

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So, I have come to the realization that my WH is never coming back. I know that I need to let go of this relationship but I am having such a hard time getting to where I can begin to let go.

Everytime I start to think that I will have a new life and be ok with my WH, the next day something upsets me and I regress to I can get him back, I can make it work. But now I know that it's just not possible.

I think the trouble I am having is that he was able to move on so easily compared to me. He seems to be livinghis life and getting out there, and here I am, stuck.... I want to get unstuck. I have so much anger and resentment toward him. He treated me so poorly for years and then just up and left. I am not innocent in all of this I know, but I am having such a hard time getting past all of the anger.

I still love my WH. I wish him well and I want him to be happy.

He has asked that we remain friends. We have 2 dogs that neither of us is willing to give up, so we need to communicate to exchange them from time to time. I'm not sure if I can ever be friends. I have never remained friends with any of my XBFs ever. It's just something I find hard to do.

I need to begin to heal and move on from this R. But I am still stuck on the letting go part. I am obviously also having some anger/resentment issues. Is there any help/advice anyone can provide?

How did you come to this realization?

I would suggest that you do NOT exchange the dogs. The next time he gives them to you...refuse to give them back to him again. He cheated...one of the consequences of the affair.
I also suggest that ou not try and remain his friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone that cheats on his wife.
Go very, very dark. Do not speak to him or see him for any reason. Make sure that he does not have access to your home and speak to a lawyer regarding protecting your rights.
As far as your resentment goes...it is only harming you. I say "NEVER LET THE ****** WIN."

Are you divorced? I don't know your whole sitch. Have you implemented Plan B? If you DO implement Plan B, there will be no friendship, there will be no communication. This would go a long way in helping you to heal, for you will not have to SEE him, hear him, smell him, or anything. You will be able to mourn. IMO, I don't believe you can 'let go' without mourning.

If he wants to see the dogs, have him call a lawyer, otherwise, you are torturing yourself with seeing him.

Z,

This is normal. I have the same feelings, so you are not alone. It is definitely a roller coaster ride and will be that way for some time to come.

Protect yourself by going into a very dark Plan B, otherwise it will drive you crazy. I've been M much longer than you have and I know my WH isn't coming back either, so to protect myself I have gone into Plan B. After a while, you don't want any interaction with them because of the hurt it causes. The only time you should consider contact is if he wants to come back to R by meeting your conditions.

If they want to be with OW fine, but you have to remove yourself from the triangle. DARK Z, it't the only way. Otherwise he will cake eat until the cows come home and you will constantly be hurt.

Chai and Zora,

You don't know what G-d has planned. I'm not saying whether he is or isn't coming back. I'm saying that you don't know what the future holds.

The three of us and a few others on here just need to walk through the pain, learn to take care of ourselves and leave the outcome to G-d.

I would have to agree with SL and Chai, I truly can tell the difference when I have seen, talked to or spent anytime with WH near me. It literally rips me apart each time. Then the days go by with nothing and I am more focused, happy able to just be still...

We are on a journey that G-d is depending on us to seek him for our answers and guidance. Don't cheat G-d of the plan and blessings he has for us.

We really DON'T know. As much as we like to think we do, especially for a control freak like me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree that no one knows what God has planned....but IMHO, free will and people doing lousy things to others is not part of God's plan. It is evil creeping in and staying still and letting this all work out according to some plan is not in the best interests of most people. I think people need to act and take responsibility for things in their life. Being still results in years passing by and living in a constant state of crap.
Take action...pray about it for sure...but don't be afraid to act and defend your right to a happy life with someone that will care and protect you. It isn't cheating God in anyway by deciding that almost a year after a spouse has left that it is time to move on.
Inaction and not the failure to remain still is what I see as the biggest mistake people make on this board.

Z,
Like the others have stated, Plan B is your best option. Continuing to subject yourself to his "abuse" will not allow you to heal. Everytime you have to come in contact with him it will affect your mental and emotional well being.
As far as him wanting to be friends, your friends don't treat you in a disrespectful way. We teach people how to treat us, so please don't accept friendship from a wayward. He will only abuse you by subjecting you to more pain.

If you want to let him know that reconcilliation is possible you can write a Plan B letter outlining the conditions he will have to meet in order to be a part of your life.

Never accept crumbs, a wayward offering "friendship" is just self-serving, cake-eating tactic that they utilize to enable their affair... and it eases their guilt so that they can pretend that you are happy with being left for another woman. You are worth more than that. You deserve more.

MEDC,

I actually agree with you. But what we don't know is what is happening on the other side. My H has been gone for almost 10 months this Friday. I don't think that any situation is as hopeless and frustrating and twisted as mine.

I can feel myself letting go more and more each day. I feel the difference inside myself, and mostly because I haven't been around WH for a few days.

I see myself growing stronger each day and building a life separate from my M, but still holding the space. I don't know what G-d has planned, I don't know if it will or won't include my H. But personally I have much healing to do and that can't be done unless I do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would NEVER encourage Zora or anyone to spend years in limbo and let life pass by them. But as BS we have been through a trauma that we need to recover on.

Would you maybe agree that if there is so much mixed feelings with someone they really aren't DONE with them and should still just concentrate on learning their own lessons and keeping close to G-d for direction?

In some cases I think mixed feelings are a sign that they are not done...
more often than not though I see it as an unhealthy obsession to hang on to a spouse...and I think this is due to the person not having enough self esteem to imagine a life without their tormentor. That's what I see very frequently on these boards.

Zora

Your situation (down the date WH left home) is similar to mine except my WH and I are a little older and married longer.

After I had been in Plan B a month, WH tried contacting me wanting to set up visitation with our 2 dogs. When he walked out I told him if he chose life with OW, he could not expect to have any remnants of his life with me. That included seeing the dogs. And as much as he supposedly "loves" them, he gave up on trying to see them pretty quickly when he saw I was not going to back down from what I said. In fact, my SIL told me he and OW got their own dog for Christmas--which in my opinion is exactly what he needed to do!

Because we have no children I have kept a DARK Plan B. WH and I have not seen or had any contact with each other for 8 months now. And what everyone tells you here is right -- you cannot heal either for personal recovery or recovery of your marriage until you remove yourself COMPLETELY from WH and his drama and disrespect. Early on in Plan B I was relieved to be rid of WH and the drama of the affair. As time went on I flip-flopped between being VERY angry and sad at the loss of my marriage. Now as I approach one year, I find what so many vets on MB told me was true--I am calm, I am more peaceful, I am less angry and more at a place of acceptance that I may never see or speak to WH again and (as Queenie said) giving the situation to God.

And the "friend" stuff -- don't fall for it. Mine said the same garbage. IMO, that line serves one, maybe two, purposes for any WS: 1) he/she can keep BS hanging on until they decide to stop cake eating or 2) allows the WS to soothe their guilt over betraying the BS.

The only way WH and I will ever be friends is if he ends his affair and shows real remorse and tries to make amends for what he did: lie, manipulate and hurt others to satify his own selfish desires. Otherwise, I have no use for him.

Trust me, I know this is hard. But if you remove yourself from the chaos, YOU WILL BE FINE. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Smartie

Plan B.... plan B was initiated with the best intentions.... I have faultered.

My WH says he does not want hurt me anymore. He does not currently have OW, but he does not want to come back.

Honestly, we had a very bad relationship and I don't see that changing at all. There are just too many past hurts outside his EA for both of us. I am no angel and I made him miserable for years, mostly because I was miserable with myself.

I think I can honestly say that I don't want this M anymore. It wasn't all bad, but there was certainly more bad than good.

I am mostly sad about losing his family. They are wonderful people. I would love to remain friends with his parents. I'm just not sure I can if I am not friends with him also.

And the dogs.... they really like him more than me. I wouldn't want to make them suffer.

But I really need to begin to heal.

Sometimes I am glad all of this happened. I was so depressed and so closed off. I was not living my life. Life was passing me by. At least this woke me up. I got help and now I am out there again enjoying things, enjoying friends, traveling. I am living.

I just wish it wasn't alone. When I got M'd I really did mean for better or worse. I didn't expect it all to be for worse.

I have minimal contact with his as it is. I usually get into the freak out sessions when he is not around. most of the time I do see him, I am reminded of the things about him that made me unhappy...Like the drinking.

I know the MB princples are very partiuclar about plan B. But what if plan B doesn't fit this situation?

I guess all I can do is work on myself and just live my life and deal with the hole. I am in IC and group therapy. working these issues. But some days are just harder than others.

MEDC,

I would agree with you again. In fact this could even be the case in my situation.

But then sometimes G-d could turn that tormentor back into the person they were before they became the monster. I just would want anyone to be completely done in their heart before the walked away. Does that make sense?

Zora, Smartie is one smart cookie. I know of this walk she has gone through and she is speaking the truth and from her heart.

Right now, I'm more concerned about someone in Zora's situation REMOVING herself. I'm not concerned with her sitting still or whatever. It's going to take her quite some time to recover, so there will be time for stillness.

As long as you are attached to the wayward, you are sitting still, even spinning your wheels. I say end with a stellar Plan A, then hit the wayward with the Plan B letter, and go dark.

edited to add...

Zora, I read your post. If you really are done, then it's a choice about how much you can handle still having contact with your WH. If it hurts you, why not go dark?

Also, if you believe the dogs should be with your WH, why not settle that now?

"Letting go and letting God" is a "one day at a time" thing, if and only if you go into Plan B. I never was in a plan A or B, because circumstances with my H were different.
But I consider "letting go" as plan B. No contact with him, not friends, not anything.

Work on doing something special for yourself each day, do something special for someone else each day. And say this specail prayer each day.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can.
And wisdom to know the difference.

Blessings,
Lady

I am in complete agreement with SL. At this stage it is about REMOVAL.

Z, in this kind of situation you will suffer losses other then the loss of your spouse. I still have the love and support of my In-laws, but I have lost friends who wanted to support or stay neutral about WH's affair. My in-laws understand that they will have to keep their relationship with me and their relationship with their son separate. I know others in the same situation. If the relationship with your in-laws is that important to you, talk to them about what you need to do as it concerns WH but that you do not want to lose them.

Whether you decide to stay in your marriage should WH want to come back is your decision. Should you want to keep a relationship with WH even if you don't reconcile is your decision. But to be in a healthy place and make the decision that is best for you, you need to get out of the situation and not make decision based on emotions. That was the best advice I received in this whole mess: "You will be tempted to make decisions from your heart. Those will get you into trouble. Stop and make decisions from your head and you'll end up in a better place."

And SL is right again, if you think the dogs would be better off with WH--give them to him and be done with it.

Smartie

Why do you think Plan B doesn't fit your sitch? once you get the peace of mind that Plan B provides you by going completely dark, I think you will start to see the benefits of it. You won't have to be reminded by constant interaction with him of all of the things that made you unhappy...

You said you tried Plan B in the past and it didn't work out so well, if you stick to it I think the "letting go" process will work much better for you. You'll have a clear mind and make decisions that are healthy for you. You don't have to stay in Plan B forever, if you don't want to...but it will give you the peace you need to heal.

The Serenity Prayer is a great help to keep me focused and to feel the courage I need to LEARN and FOCUS.

The loss of family is very painful, but I think your focus needs to lie with you right now, Zora, and what is best for you. If that is a continued relationship with the IL's, AND you can maintain that without further harm to yourself, establishing clear boundaries with them, then I say it's all good. WE don't really know what the IL's want either, so I'm just speculating that they would be open to the relationship, too.

Thanks gang for all the advice. I have somet hinking to do. I may go hiking this weekend with some friends. Hopefully I'll have some serenity on my hike to think about things clearly and make the best decision from there.