Hello everybody. I am new here so I thought that I would introduce myself and my situation. I have been married for 4 yrs. We were together a little over 3 yrs before we got married. We waited until marriage to have sex and once we were married we rarely had sex due to the pain that it caused me. Both of us seemed to avoid this problem. Me because it caused me feelings of shame and failure and him because he knew that it hurt me to talk about it. Needless to say, this is a big part of the problem in our relationship. Communication is the main culprit though. Had he communicated what our sexless marriage was doing to him I would have woken up from my pity-party and done something about it sooner. He started a new job a little over a year ago and it's been an awful experience. He basically feels like a failure over it. He has been acting strange for the past few months. Clearly antsy for a change. Wants to move to different state, but then wants to move to a house where we are now, then wants to change jobs completely only to turn around and say that he wants to just change his position in his current job. A little over a month ago he tells me that he's not attracted to me anymore. that he loves me but isn't "in love with me". Now he's moved out of the house and tells me that he wants to pursue a relationship with another woman once we're divorced. He's also given his notice at work and is planning on moving in May. All of these abrupt changes point at a classic midlife crisis. But how do I help him through this and still keep my marriage. I am more than happy for him to move and change his job, but I don't want to lose my marriage! That would be a change that he'll regret once this crisis has run it's course. Please help!! I have since finished the treatment to fix my sexual problems but he doesn't even care about that anymore. I want to be there for my husband to help him through this but just don't know how when he's avoiding meeting with me in person.

My guess would be that he is already involved with another woman, because all of his words and actions are classic signs of someone in an affair. I suspect it's someone at work. If you want to save the marriage, you first need to uncover the affair, expose it, and have it end.

AGG

Yes, that's the other woman that he wants to pursue a relationship with. That's the affair and it is someone that he works with. Although he won't be working there anymore in a couple of months. I don't need to uncover the affair because he's already admitted that there's someone else he's interested in.

OK then, if you want to save the marriage, you need him to stop the affair first. A person in an affair is heavily "fogged in", and the fog won't lift until the affair ends. If quitting his job would help end the affair, that would be a good start - but it seems odd that he would want to leave his job if he is having his affair there. I wonder if they got busted?

Bottom line is, you can't stop him from having an affair, moving out, or divorcing.. All you can do is establish some boundaries (e.g. you won't put up with your spouse having an affair, etc), and then detach from his destructive behavior. I would also suggest that you post on the GQII board, since that has much more traffic and better advice on infidelity.

AGG

Sorry. I'm not familiar with all of these abbreviations. The GQII board? which one would this be? Thank you very much for your advice. He's not really listening to me much but I'm definitely going to try to end the affair.

It's the General Question II board.

Go online and read up on MLC. You did not state your ages.

The affair does have to be exposed for it to end and for the healing to begin.

Read here at this site on Plan A and then on Plan B.

You need to protect yourself while you are trying to help your husband through the MLC. Plan A will do that. Write out your plan so that you can see it and the progress that you are making and what might need to be changes.

God's speed to you. Read all that you can and educate yourself on MLC and on Marriagebuilding, marriages can and are saved.

Dawn

Go here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/postlist.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&PHPSESSID=

Post your story there, and you'll get good advise on how to deal with an ongoing affair. Good luck!

AGG