Hello all.

I am a long time lurker and have a situation that I could use your thoughts on.

I am considering marriage to a woman that I love very much. We've known each other for more than 2 years and both come from long time marriages with ex's that had affairs, left our families & divorced. My D was nearly 4 years ago, hers 2 years ago. We are both Christians and believe in the MB principles.

In being completely honest to me, my gal revealed (early in our relationship) that she had an affair 2 years into her previous marriage. It was a one night stand with a long time friend and schoolmate. While initially concerned; we talked about the indiscretion at length and I chose to continue in the relationship because I truly believe it was a terrible mistake and that she is forever sorry for doing it.

Prior to dating me, but after her D; gf phoned affair partner saying how sorry she was for participating in affair many years ago. Gf felt the need to do this in order to move on with her life. Affair partner is now married with 2 children. There has been no contact since then, until last week

Last week she received an email from affair partner, asking gf how she's doing since D. Gf writes back saying that she's doing fine. Then today she receives another email with photo's of his 2 children and a bit of an update. No mention is made of his wife.

Gf has been upfront w/me about all of this and has not responded to today's email. She is asking me how I would respond. Having never had affair, I told her I could only guess, but that I would tell affair partner that all contact from now on should be totally eliminated.

The problem is that affair partner lives in her hometown, they have many of the same long time friends, there will be HS reunions, etc...

I realize affair happened many years ago and trust gf completely. However I abhor affairs and believe that affair partner may have other motives by re-contacting gf.

Thoughts please!!!

The FOM is "fishing".

IMO, your GF should respond and request NC.

Your GF should never have contact with him again. Affairs rekindle in exactly this way. If she is at all reluctant to cut him off, or seems curious about this man, wants to be his friend, etc. do not marry her.
Were I in your shoes and GF wanted to maintain contact with old BF, especially wayward BF, I would drop her like a hot rock.
You are not married to her. You have no children with her. You have been betrayed before so you know what it's like. Do you want to go through that again?
Remember that it doesn't matter how many years ago it was or how much you trust her. She must have no further contact with this man or she will be putting herself at risk for an affair with him. She would also be treating you with great disrespect assuming you have told her that her contact with him is hurtful to you.
On the plus side for your GF, she has revealed her past to you. She has also revealed that this man contacted her. That's really good stuff. She could have kept it secret for the excitement. If she doesn't balk at no contact with the guy, then maybe she's recovered her integrity. I wouldn't rush into a marriage, though. Make double-dog sure!
May God grant you discernment.
All blessings,

Yes, because he does.

No contact should be for life...NONE...not reunions or any other meeting.Never, ever, never. If she will not agree to this, dump her immediately.

I would also suggest some serious thought before marriage since you know that she has cheated before. I'm not saying to not marry her...but hopefully she has addressed the character flaws that allowed that to happen.

High school reunions are not mandatory.

Although I'm still married and in R, I've already decided that if I ever become single, I would never be in any sort of real relationship with a woman who has cheated on a H before...I don't care if it was 20 years ago, I don't care if she's been through therapy...doesn't matter. I'll avoid them all like the plague. There are 3 billion women on Earth. I'll find one that has never been a skank.

Krazy...there are a lot of good FWS on here. Please don not insult them with such names.

I wouldn't really have a problem dating some if they truly learned their lessons. They might be better equipd than some others to avoid affairs.

Hey, I feel ya. LL...having said that, an affair is not an "indiscretion" It is what it is. I had this very scenario, with the "innocent, how ya doin' emails, heres a photo of my kids". I had a word with this "indiscretion", and my FWH agreed never to email her again. FF 2 yrs, I find proof of her calling him over 300 times and his behavior typical of the Wayward. He said simply " I said I wouldn't email her anymore", so he pulled a slick Willy. What is the meaning of "is" type of thing. Nip it NOW my friend.....heartbreak to follow, and give him a call and tell him how it is....and, in my case, this gal was his first girlfriend, she told me she "saw" him first. Let's retreat to Jr Hi, shall we, cause that's when it started. Tell her and him that this is unacceptable and that monitoring will follow. There is no contact, period, no email, no phone, no cell phone, no smoke signals, no aerial airplanes, no carrier pigeons, no notes from friends to him/her, no nothing, he doesn['t exist, notta. I done hit a trigger point!!! The nerve of other people's kids!!!! (even a generation ago). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> GF

GF's former affair partner did recontact by email - saying he desired to keep in touch. (Yes he was fishing.) GF told him - NO; was not appropriate given their poor choice from years ago. He said have a nice life, she said same, and that is that.

I believe 100% that GF completely regrets affair-day. I also realize that once a person commits an action - that the action becomes evidence that they are capable. I also believe that we've all made mistakes. Some mistakes are worse than others - but we've all made em. There are times that I've made a mistake which resulted in such an unnerving consequence that I know I will never do it again. This is how I view my GF's mistake.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Just... be... careful. I didn't think my wife (fiance at the time of her "one night indiscretion") was capable of such a thing. Like you, I also believe that she learned from her mistake and hasn't had any issue with being tempted over the last 10 years. Still, after knowing for 6 months, I am still having a very hard time forgiving her. She has given me no reason whatsoever to think anything has happened since we have been married.