To give a quick synopsis of our situation.

WH admited to an affair 6 months ago. Since then we have had our share of ups and downs. He has still not completely gone to No Contact with her but admittedly the contact has decreased.

We are now at the point where he has decided it is best for him to move out so that he can stop hurting me. While he says this OW is not important to him and that he cannot see his life without me he feels like this is the only way he can save the marriage. He says he won't give up all contact with her because he sees it as my attempt at controlling him. He sees less risk in leaving than he does in staying.

I have told him that if he leaves, I will have no contact with him and will essentially write him out of my life. I Love him very much and cannot see my life without him either but I also cannot live any longer with OW as part of my life. I am at the point where if it means I lose him it is worth it to get her out of my life. I really don't want to lose him but at this time I see her as the source of my continued pain. Don't get me wrong, he has hurt me plenty but she is the one who keeps text messaging/ calling, etc. WH's apartment is supposed to be ready on Friday but he has made no arrangements to move in yet. I really don't think he wants to leave me or the kids but doesn't see an alternative either. He knows that if things keep on as is there is no doubt that he will lose me forever.

He is asking me to sit down and negotiate a compromise but I just don't see where we could ever compromise on this issue. Am I looking at the situation wrong or not seeing something? I am all for negotiation in marriage but not on this point.

WH is also upset that I won't tell him what he should do (stay or move). He keeps telling me that I am just putting it all on his shoulders so that I don't have to accept any responsibility for the decision. Personally I think it IS his decision. One way or the other this woman has to leave my life.

Any advice or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated from all.

Hope, it is his decision entirely to commit adultery and move out. If he wont' stop doing that, there is nothing to negotiate. I suspect what he WANTS is to keep you on the sidelines so he can continue to get his fix while he carries on his affair. He needs your assurance that you will be his "friend" so he won't feel so guilty about destroying you. If you will agree to be his "friend" and just take his cruelty without complaint, it will be so much easier for him.

I would suggest continuing as you are. Don't negotiate with terrorists, don't pretend like his cruelty is "ok," and don't cooperate with any divorce or separation schemes. Avoid all lovebusters while you do that.

Once he moves out, I would take a very hard look at Plan B.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you exposed the affair? Have your children been told the facts?

I would answer him and tell very clearly that what you want is for him to stay and to have NC with OW.

My husband tried to negotiate his OW, he tried to say they had been friends since high school and have always stayed in touch and always would. Which was a not true, they had not been in touch for 20 years until their high school reunion.

I told him no way, it was me or her.

He then tried to negotiate staying in contact with her sons and I said sure he and I could go visit OW's sons when they were at their dads house. He did not like that at all, he left me and went back to her for a few days, he then moved into his own place and started going to IC because he said his head felt like it was in a blender. After about three weeks of wanting me one minute and wanting her another, he said he was done with me and I replyed that I was done too. Then when I dropped our daughter off at his place and he saw me looking good, he asked where I was going and I told him to meet someone for a drink. He got really mad, but then it must have dawned on him that he really couldn't have us both anymore than I could have him and go on a date. I have taken flack before on here for suggesting letting WH know you can date also, but it was a turning point for my husband.

I'm not sure what he and the counselor talked about, but I think that helped alot and OMG he finally got it. It did take a few weeks of texting and calling between him and OW before he was clear enough to really establish NC.

Sorry to ramble, but my point is I think it is common for waywards to try to negoitate the OW. You need to stay firm and not compromise on this or it will just destroy you.

He wants to move out to continue the affair, not to work on the marriage. I would start writing my Plan B letter. Maybe you can ask for an example here.

Then when he moves, I would let him know that you love him and want to save the marriage, and hand him the letter. Be sure he takes all of his things so that he doesn't have an excuse to contact you.

Also arrange financial matters, and child visitation.

I would let his boss know that the affair has broken up your marriage too.

I was in a similar situation where the OW was a consistent presence in my life and I had to get her out no matter what that meant. My WH didn't try to negotiate continued contact with her, though it took about a week to cut it off completely. It's still early in our process and there has only been NC for about a month.

My advice would be to in no way agree to allow continued contact with the OW. As long as it continues, your M will be in turmoil and your emotional health will be compromised. Your WH needs to understand that he can either be married to you and be faithful with no inappropriate relationships with other women or he can be divorced from you and see anyone he wants.

In counseling with Jennifer Chalmers of MB, she suggested to me that I offer my WH an invitation to create a new M together with him. The offer included the MB concepts and a commitment to learn to meet his needs. Is this something that may work in place of continued contact with the OW?

Your WH may not be in a place to accept such an offer, but it may be a starting point for conversation about how you can move forward without the OW.

And I agree that Plan B is your best option if WH will not agree to NC. I do believe that before you go there, you should tell WH that you love him and want him. That if you had your choice he would live with you and get his needs met exclusively by you. The choice to stay or go is completely his, though. If he goes, Plan B is your next step.