My xWW, who is the custodial parent, is planning to re-locate 4 states away... but planning to leave our two daughters, 6 and 8, with me here.

She balks whenever I mention paperwork or "making this official" and also says she will not be made to pay child support.

How soon after she moves would I be able to move on a custody change?

I would speak to a lawyer. Do NOTHING to discourage her moving away...but DO EVERYTHING you need to do to protect yourself from her taking the children with her. I have to say...some women are horrible when it comes to taking responsibility for their children. They have no problem collecting child support...but "pay it"...nah, that's offensive to them.

Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. Look for a lawyer that specializes in child custody cases and IF you live in a state that will allow you to record a conversation with your wife, without her consent, get some of this recorded. It will be priceless.

I feel sorry for your daughters that they have such a [censored] bag for a mother.

LOL, Oh MEDC, you do have such a way with words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />You were reading my mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Who

My H has had full custody of our kids since they were very small for this exact same reason. In our experience, it was crucial to get it on paper. But like your WW, the bio-mother in our situation also balked at doing any paperwork or making it official.

So we tried to make it as non-threatening and smooth as possible. We got the forms off of our state website and prepared a joint motion for change to parenting time, but wrote it so that it read almost like an address change for her. It basically said that she was moving, here's her new address, both parents think it's in the children's best interests to stay here so they will reside most of the time with their father and she gets parenting time EOW and the split holiday schedule continues as-is. Nothing controversial, we didn't even mention child support.

Because it was so simple and non-controversial, she was willing to sign it. They both went down to the courthouse and signed and notarized it together, then submitted it to the judge. About a month later, the judge blessed it (no one ever even had to appear before the judge), and it was done.

That one little joint motion, plus the fact that our state has a "status quo" rule (courts are required to support status quo in a custody dispute except under difficult to prove extreme cases), have helped us in court and protected us from court several times.

Once the order was final and signed off on by the judge, that's when we went for child support. She tried to fight that and lost. Then she tried to file for custody to have the kids move with her (to avoid child support), but the court wouldn't even hear her case. She's changed her mind and moved back to town twice, both times trying to file for a change in custody -- and both cases were dismissed without ever even getting to court. The only time that we ever have ended up in court is over child support, and the joint motion has held up every time. (She doesn't actualy pay CS, it seems to be much more difficult to have that enforced against a woman than a man, but it is ordered.)

Based on what we've been through, the biggest things I would suggest are to get a custody agreement on paper and to keep a calendar of when she sees and has contact with the kids. We had to go back 5 years on that calendar once to show "status quo" ... it's amazing to be able to show the pattern of how much time she missed (and the excuses).

That's what worked for us. Obviously your state laws might differ, so you need to check into that. Good luck.

-AmI.

You could approach the "making it official" issue by explaining to her that currently the documents show her with custody, and you will need something on paper to give you the legal right to enroll the children in school, provide medical care, etc. for them.

For now, ignore the child support issue, until you get the papers for custody.

Definitely speak to an attorney, asap!!

Why is she moving 4 states away and leaving her children behind (just curious)?

My boss went through all this 12-years ago. He wishes now he had known about Marriage Builders. He even gave her the house outright in the divorce settlement so his two boys could stay at their home and at their same schools. So what did she do?

Sold the house, sent the boys to live with their Father at his 2-bedroom apartment, and ran to Florida with her adultery partner and bought a new house.

My boss raised his boys alone.

But the Karma Bus arrived on schedule. They blew the money, lost the house and now she drives a hotel courtesy bus in Billings, Montana. He works at a golf course and it is reported that they are both miserable. The boys almost never see her, but when they do all she does is break down sobbing at them.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Please let me know what state you're in. I may be able to refer you to a statute. It's strongly advised that you consult a local attorney specialized in such matter. I can only provide you with general information so you can ask the right questions when you do see your attorney.

One of the biggest misconceptions about child custody is that the non-custodial parent believing that he/she can have custody of the child once his/her circumstances (usually financial) change. That's not true at all. Once someone has legal custoday (not to be confused with physical custody) of a child, it's very difficult to have that changed unless the custodial parent gives consent. The reason behind it is that the court believe that it's in the child's best interest to have a constant and stable guardian, with the exception of extreme circumstances such as severe physical abuse. The burden of proof is difficult as well.....instead of the "by proponderence of evidence," as most often used in civil cases, it's by "clear and convincing evidence."

The good news is that once you have legal custody of the child, it would be very hard for your ex to have that changed.

I am new here (been reading for a while), but I will pipe in and say this. As hard as it is to have their mom leave them, this is the DREAM scenario for many of us. Many of us would have walked away from a marriage with a cheating partner if there were no kids involved. With kids involved, it changes a lot for the BS. If my W was willing to walk away from our kids to be with her A partner, I would have said "Go for it." I will take the kids and move on with my life without thinking. Yes, I love my spouse, but if she would be willing to leave the kids, well, that is a spouse not worth fighting for.

Clearly this is not the *best* thing for the kids involved, but I am certain a single, non-cheating, honest parent can rise to the occasion of raising and caring for their precious kids alone.

I agree with the other posters. Get it in writing and move on without her forever.

She's moving to be with an OM, but not the OM from our M. A new OM after our D and her subsequent marriage to that OM.

Confused yet?

I want to keep this as short as possible so I'll stick to the basics. We hit the skids after 5 years when we were cash strapped with 3 kids and she took a job working overnight to make extra cash. This schedule left us separated and depressed leaving her vulnerable emotionally when slimeball OM1, her co-worker, swooped in with some sympathy and sweet talk and that was that. XWW was pregnant before D was final and they married just as soon as it was.

I truly believe had I found MB just 1 month earlier our M could have been saved, but you live and learn. Plan B did me wonders though.

Fast forward 3 years and they are cash strapped with 4 kids and xWW again moves to an overnight position for the extra pay. Lack of contact (and this time alcoholism on the new H's part) leave xWW lonely, depressed, and vunerable, this time to an internet OM on an online game she plays regularly as an escape.

Then one month ago OM1/Current H in a drunken rage hits XWW around the back and sides of her head with his closed fist while she's trying to walk away from the argument. He suspects an OM. Ironically he thinks it's me. So who does she call first? I rush over when she calls, collect her and her baby (thankfully, my kids were with me and didn't witness this) and take her to the PD to file a report. We move all her things out that weekend while OM1/Current H is in jail.

So I find myself living with my xWW. She's in the guest bedroom before anyone asks, for she has yet ANOTHER new soulmate in OM2!

It was her suggestion that if I let her stay for 6 months or so that she may save money for the move, deposit for an apartment, and a new vehicle, that she would leave my 2 biological children with me here.

I'm a little skeptical as I don't trust her any farther than I can see her, but it does fit in with the fog, since I doubt "Mommy, mommy, I'm hungry" and like statements have no place in whatever fantasy she's got cooked up in her head right now. However, I can give up 6 months for the possibility of sole custody and having this cancer (mostly) out of my and my children's lives.

So, I'm trying to work a modified plan A. Be just as sweet as I can be, don't LB (she is the type to take the kids with her for spite) and hope OM2 doesn't muck it up in the next 6 months.

I don't see that happening though, him mucking it up. I posted a theoretical question a couple of weeks ago about long distance A. Really, how can an OP mess it up when they're really even more a fantasy in the mind of the Wayward than a "normal" A.

It feels strange to be rooting for OM2 in a way. Also, hard to watch her doing this all again and not tell her every time I see her what an idiot she is. I'm trying to maintain her good will towards me for now.

I almost directed her to MB, but firstly I don't believe her marriage to scumbag, alcoholic, wife abuser, OM1 needs to be saved, and secondly I don't feel right about giving her to tools to extend a relationship with OM2. If she would recognize and acknowledge her problems and ask for help maybe... am I wrong on this?

We're in Oklahoma.

What I'm getting from you're post is that if she should leave without signing anything, I might have to wait a substantial amount of time to establish that the status quo for the kids is to live solely in with me in my home? Or would the time that she and kids live with me before she moves count towards establishing that?

cipher, Please see an atty. Forget about whatever drama your XWW is involved in. Make sole custody your goal. Find out what it will require to ensure this. If sole custody occurs due to the fragile state of your XWW, so be it. She created this.

I would not hesitate to Plan A knowing it's for the kids, not the M.

The kids in the end is what's most important.

please note that complesxustice is a poster that has poted here under about 10 different names...all of them to cause trouble. Be very careful revealing anything to this troll.

Ya, I noticed that after i responded. What's his/her history?

That's what I'm working on but it's hard. She's only been here a month and she's driving me up the wall.

She snapped at me when I happen to be walking behind her at the computer while she was talking dirty with OM2. Dressed me down for "always looking over her shoulder" which I understand was something OM1 had been doing quite a bit of, apparently with good reason.

I DJ'd and LB'd right back at her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gotta work on that. It's hard when I don't at all feel like she deserves my best behaviour any more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
What she needs is a couple of 2x4s

Gotta keep repeating to myself that it's the kids I'm doing this for and that deserve me at my best.

I do best on days when I pretend she's an overgrown and very spoiled child of mine.

::bump::

for some possible new eyes.

I haven't contacted an attorney yet, as until she actually does leave she may decide she values my money and continued contact more than added privacy with OM2...

but! xWW is paying half my bills while she stays and I'm putting that money away to either (if she signs papers) go to Disney World with the kids, or hire aforementioned attorney.

I'd suggest keping a very detailed calendar of the kids activities and who's taking care of them. Be able to show that you provide the most care for them.

If your X is custodial, then I assume that means there is a judgement out there. Depending on your state, it's not easy to get that changed. You're going to have to show that the kids are and have been living with you, and that you provide their care.

I'd still try to convince her to sign the papers, and the sooner the better. Right now, you have a hook .... something she wants .... to stay at your place while she saves money. Is it possibel to leverage that to get her to sign the papers?

I'd think that even a nice, easy "this is where the kids live now" thing would help .... at least it would put you back on level footing in another custody battle. Run it by a lawyer.

I dont' think it's wise to wait on her to act before you see a lawyer. You need to be the one in the drivers seat, with a good plan in place.

FWIW, the bio-mother in our case waffled back and forth for well over a year before she finally actually left, and that was with about the 5th "soul mate" that she was going to move away for. It sounds like yours is just as flaky .... hopefully you won't get stuck in that same kind of cycle, you might have a roomate for longer than you think.

-AmI.

I seriously hope not, but the 6 months she was talking about originally have recently turned into "closer to a year". :eek:

She's still desperately in love (read lust/fantasyland) with OM2 but she thinks she'll need more time than originally conceived to "do things right". As if she knew what the "right thing" was or would do it if she did.

Not sure what to make of that.

I actually priced plane tickets to Virginia yesterday to see how much it would cost to send her off myself; send her off for what would ostensively a weekend get-away and hope she can't stand to be separate herself from her soul-mate and just stays there...

I was trying to help you by giving you some information so you can ask your attorney the right questions.

Well, new development there... originally the 6 month estimate was her reckoning of how long it would take her to save up to fix or replace her current vehicle and save up a deposit on an apartment in OM2's city.

She keeps stretching that time out... and adding things.

The other day she was talking vacation...

Last night she asks me for a measuring tape. The soft sort that a tailor would use. I ask her why. She waffles a bit and gets defensive. Finally she admits that her friend at work has recently gotten a breast augmentation and had explained that if the nipple is more than 9 inches below the collar bone a lift is required along with the augmentation... she's pricing boob jobs... where the face/palm smiley when I need it?