I have a story like everyone elses, sad and horrible and insanely repulsive. I have been with my husband for 18 years married for 15, three girls 11, 13, and 16. I work full time and had a friend that was very helpful with my kids. I would help her and she would help me and we became friends. She acutally worked with my husband, he is a teacher and a coach.

He would say how annoying she was and I would laugh. Well for years my husband has been right on the verge of inappropriateness wiht other women. Always trying to get me drunk wiht other couples to see if I would get together wiht other women or men, caught on the internet porn sites many times. But about four years ago her changed and became very intorverted and we stopped having sex, he really became negative and mean to us. The girls hated him, he hated them, it was awful. During the holiday of 05 I told him he needed to go to a doctor because he seemed depressed, he would not go. He kept getting worse and more distant. In November of 06- my day of revelation- I learned the truth. For years he had been addicted to internet porn and would stay home when the girls and I went outjsut to masterbate by himself. As the porn got more extreme he became more insane, and then the women that was caring for my kids, that was on her second marraige- she had an affair with her preasent husband and he has left his wife after 25 years.
He confessed that he had been sleeping with, her for months, in our bed, in her bed etc. They worked together, she was the aid in his classroom and he is a teacher and the coach of her daughters HS soccer team. Horrible truths that have been so hard for me to hear and comprehend. I think I have PTSD.
After 16 months not much has changed. I let him stay with us, he said he hated her and was just sick. I don't understand any of it. He is not a communicator and is very not in touch wiht his emotions. We have been going to counseling, reading books, working on us until a few months ago.
Things began to change again and he started to get mean and distant again. He has been on antidepressants and going to a psychiatrist for a while but I am worried about what is going on. He doesn't hardly try anymore with me or the kids, he is so hard to communicate with and he doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything except himself.
The strange thing about the affair is that in four months he called her 500 times, he seemed obsessed with this women that he disliked before and hates now. I don't understand.
I told him that he needed to get another job or we needed to move. Our lives were very entangled with the OW family, our kids were best friends, in school together, on sports teams together.
It was awful for all of us, but now he still works at the same school and still coaches her daughter, and we have to see her all the time and he sees her daily. He says she means nothing and she is repulsive. But I don't trust anything and I know that I am a fool for all I didn't see before.
I need some monumental change, I need him to sacrifice something for us. He has never come clean about the affair and the porn with his friends, his pastor, or his bible study group. he justs wants to ignore all of it and return to the misery of the unfulfilling relationship that we had before.

When I confront him and ask him to leave if he doesn't try harder or if her doesn't DO something to help me, he will turn everything around and make me feel badly for him. he will say that he is evil and bad and that I deserve better, that I am such a better person than him. But still no real progress happens. He says he is trying but change is hard for him, and expressing himself is hard, and being attached to someone on a deep sprititual level will take him time, it doesn't come naturally for him.

Okay I say, I love my girls, I love my God, I try to do the right thing even at the expense of my self-respect. I humiliate myself to stay with him, trying to be obedient to God, trying to love unconditionally but I don't honestly know what I am doing, I never have. I know its dysfunctional but his promises of trying are not panning out.
How much time do I give him? How much humiliation does God expect me to endure? What have I done to deserve this and what can I do to get out of this situation? Am I being selfish? Am I not being obedient?

HELP, I don't know when to ask him to leave, I guess I know by his efforts in the past that that will mean it is over and I hate that, but I hate this too. I wish sometimes that I had another option, I am so miserable and sad all the time.

Danil,

I'm sorry you're in this position. If you want to save your marriage, I would suggest the following:

Re-post this onto the General Questions II board (there are many vets there and it's more active).
Read up on this site especially Plan A/B, and get the book Surviving An Affair (you can purchase from this website), also, your H must have no contact for life with the OW.

Is he still addicted to porn? There are several threads with that theme.

He says that he is scared to leave his job, he has been there 15 years and ia also a coach. It is his identity and makes him feel somewhat good about himself right now. I hate to ask him to give that up, but I have and I am dying. He just doesn't seem to believe me- should I ask him to leave. I do have the Torn Asunder book, but not much can be done at this point without the offending spouses initiation, at least that is my instinct.

I know it's hard to leave a job. Let's put it this way: if there's still contact with OW, there's no recovery in your marriage. Which is more important...the marriage or the job?

Remember, he's the one who chose to have an affair; if you are protecting him from the consequences, he'll think he can get away with more.

My H quit his job with a large salary to get away from OW; we also moved to another state. We're still struggling to recover, we wouldn't have made it this far if we hadn't gotten out of there. We're so much more relaxed now even though we're making only about 1/5 of what we were before.

He says that leaving the job would cause him more stress and make him likely have an affair again. Jerk

Did your husband really work hard all the time to put the marriage back together? Mine is not consistent and it makes me angry and worried. I think we may need to seperate for a little while, so I can breathe.

Dani,

You really should post in GQII. You will get much more focus on your thread from the vets there. Also, have you exposed the affair to his and her workplace? Exposure does wonders to deflate the thrill of secrecy. I didn't do it and regret it to this day. MelodyLane is an awesome poster and knows the ins/outs of exposure. If you chose to go that route, DO NOT forewarn your H!! That would give him the opportunity to paint you as an insane-jealous wife. He will get extremely angry over exposure, but that's predictable. Please read up on others stories. Many times exposure will be the beginning of the end of the affair...brought to the light of day, it's just not that attractive any more.

ps, your H should have thought about how miserable he'd be if he lost his job. He risked that, your marriage, and your health; he should deal with the consequences. No one forced him to have an affair; he chose it and should be the one to take responsibility for it If that means quitting, then it means quitting. At least he realizes that he's got weak character, maybe he'd be agreeable to counseling for that.

oops, I forgot to answer your question about my H working hard to recover. The answer is; he avoids discussing anything about the affair and relationships. He did, however, give up the job, write a NC letter, move to Texas, and is starting to be a little more receptive. Recovery takes a minimum of 2 years.

If you're thinking about separation, look into plan A/B. This is very methodical. Plan A is where you eliminate your Love Busters, and try to meet his ENs; it usually starts off though with the exposure. Plan B is done after a certain time period and involves going totally dark (no communication with him at all). Read up on it and see the result others have had.

NC letter? I am having trouble in this situation meeting any of his needs. I am angry.

I don't think it's about sacrificing. The main thing about exposure, from what I understand, is that the WS has to own up to what he/she did. I'm a big believer in humility to teach us lessons. When D17 does something to hurt someone, intentional or not, she has to apologize or make up for it. One, to help the other person, but two, to teach her that she is not above anyone else, that she doesn't deserve to hurt someone else. I think that a WS might possibly learn to empathize with his/her spouse, if he/she had to look the other people involved in the eye and get judged.

My favorite phrase is "If your mama knew you were doing this, what would she say?"

I noticed that you did start a thread over in GQII. I'll follow you over there...maybe just to watch the vets guide you. I do hope you listen to their advice, I wish I had followed it more closely.