Originally posted in another thread. Wanted to get some opinions on this one. The "she" in question is my xWW.




She's moving to be with an OM, but not the OM from our M. A new OM after our D and her subsequent marriage to that OM.

Confused yet?

I want to keep this as short as possible so I'll stick to the basics. We hit the skids after 5 years when we were cash strapped with 3 kids and she took a job working overnight to make extra cash. This schedule left us separated and depressed leaving her vulnerable emotionally when slimeball OM1, her co-worker, swooped in with some sympathy and sweet talk and that was that. XWW was pregnant before D was final and they married just as soon as it was.

I truly believe had I found MB just 1 month earlier our M could have been saved, but you live and learn. Plan B did me wonders though.

Fast forward 3 years and they are cash strapped with 4 kids and xWW again moves to an overnight position for the extra pay. Lack of contact (and this time alcoholism on the new H's part) leave xWW lonely, depressed, and vunerable, this time to an internet OM on an online game she plays regularly as an escape.

Then one month ago OM1/Current H in a drunken rage hits XWW around the back and sides of her head with his closed fist while she's trying to walk away from the argument. He suspects an OM. Ironically he thinks it's me. So who does she call first? I rush over when she calls, collect her and her baby (thankfully, my kids were with me and didn't witness this) and take her to the PD to file a report. We move all her things out that weekend while OM1/Current H is in jail.

So I find myself living with my xWW. She's in the guest bedroom before anyone asks, for she has yet ANOTHER new soulmate in OM2!

It was her suggestion that if I let her stay for 6 months or so that she may save money for the move, deposit for an apartment, and a new vehicle, that she would leave my 2 biological children with me here.

I'm a little skeptical as I don't trust her any farther than I can see her, but it does fit in with the fog, since I doubt "Mommy, mommy, I'm hungry" and like statements have no place in whatever fantasy she's got cooked up in her head right now. However, I can give up 6 months for the possibility of sole custody and having this cancer (mostly) out of my and my children's lives.

So, I'm trying to work a modified plan A. Be just as sweet as I can be, don't LB (she is the type to take the kids with her for spite) and hope OM2 doesn't muck it up in the next 6 months.

I don't see that happening though, him mucking it up. I posted a theoretical question a couple of weeks ago about long distance A. Really, how can an OP mess it up when they're really even more a fantasy in the mind of the Wayward than a "normal" A.

It feels strange to be rooting for OM2 in a way. Also, hard to watch her doing this all again and not tell her every time I see her what an idiot she is. I'm trying to maintain her good will towards me for now.

I almost directed her to MB, but firstly I don't believe her marriage to scumbag, alcoholic, wife abuser, OM1 needs to be saved, and secondly I don't feel right about giving her to tools to extend a relationship with OM2. If she would recognize and acknowledge her problems and ask for help maybe... am I wrong on this?

OK, just to be clear, your goal is to obtain sole custody of your children but you are NOT looking to recover your M, correct? If not, skip the rest of this.

Completely different (non-M) situation but it reminds me of the year that I had to share an office with a woman I didn't like. She was incompetent and arrogant and very opinionated. Her incompetency led to insecurity which led to her "ratting out" everyone who did something she perceived as wrong, even though it mostly backfired. Our dislike for one another was mutual and known to both of us as well as others around us. Nevertheless, we found ourselves in this uncomfortable situation. I knew nothing of MB or Plan A at the time and it was not a marital issue anyway to go looking for this. But I guess what I did was in fact a modified Plan A. I was always polite. I always said hello, goodbye, please, thank you, etc. I didn't criticize her work, even when it was screaming to be criticized. I didn't gossip about her behind her back when she wasn't there. I didn't brag about my own work, even when my idea was the successful one and hers was not. I let my work and her incompetencies stand on their own and left it to everyone else to form their opinions on her.

The result: We actually survived that year - both of us. Though I truly believe she was nasty at heart, my absolute refusal to engage in what would be considered an LB in a marriage (don't know what the equivalent is in office politics) actually resulted in her behaving along a similar vein. No, we never grew to like one another but the experience was not as miserable as I thought it would be. We actually developed a form of respect for one another - not respect in the traditional sense but respect for each other's tolerance if that makes any sense.

So how can this apply to your xWW? I really don't know if it's the same, but certainly the elements of Plan A can actually set behavioural boundaries in an uncomfortable situation. It's likely uncomfortable for her as well, but she's not really in a position to LB you considering you are essentially saving her life at the moment. Perhaps by setting up a "code of behavior" that does not allow for LB-ing, it will not only make the situation tolerable to you, but it will be a better environment for your kids as well. I don't know how it will help your custody case, but it certainly will prevent you from harming it by saying/doing anything that she can use against you later.

Does any of this help? I'm still not entirely sure I understand what you are asking.

Essentially my goal is to keep her happy so she sticks to the stated plan, retain my sanity while doing so, and possibly even butter her up enough to sign paperwork, which she has so far balked at doing.

Or if my nerves can't handle that, possibly some kind of in-house Plan B, where I avoid or ignore her, maybe stick my fingers in my ears and sing "la la la" until she leaves.

As far as custody goes, I have two ways to go. Plan A her so well she agrees to sign papers, or simply facilitate her move with OM2 in 6 months so that I can show the court shortly after, that the children have lived almost a year entirely in my home and that xWW has "abandoned" them to my sole care.

And no, not trying to recover M. I had considered it briefly until I saw just how deep she is in the fog with OM2.

I really don't see how one can compete with a long distance OP that essentially more fantasy than reality. Even more so than a "normal" OP.

She's creating her own Plan B situation with her move, but I suppose I would only have to write a PBL (though i might have that covered)...

...but her behaviour during our D (as fogged as I understand it to be now) and her more recent behaviour handling OM1 and now OM2 make her more unattractive every day.

Though my dearest dream would be to have my family whole again, to have an intact parental unit for my children, I am not seeing this woman as someone I want my daughters to emulate or role model after in any part of her behaviour.

I have to say, this situation does not sit well with me. As soon as I read the first post red flags went up. I know OM1 (her CURRENT H) is a jerk but she is married to him. Her moving into your house (you a former lover and H) IMO is not a good idea. I know you have NO interest in her now but as you have seen here on MB you should not put yourself in any situation that can be dangerous. I also think that if you think your wife is a bad example to your daughters they should not be around her on a daily basis. IMO this arrangement will only confuse them more and they will think all of this is NORMAL.

Really this situation wasn't my first choice. I actually put her up in a hotel room for 2 days while we talked about this. She really had no one else in her life who could help her in this situation. She had alienated all the good people in her life, family and friends, during our D 4 years prior.

In those 4 years our physical custody was split like this: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, with mom; Friday, Saturday, Sunday with me; and Thursdays alternated. Many extra nights were spent at my house for various reasons so really it worked out to more like 4 days out of every 7 at my house, which is the house they've always known since there were born. Their mother in those 4 years has moved 4 times.

So, add to that her marital problems and they are used to stability with dad and upheaval with mom. Even her other 2 children who did have some restless nights the first week are sleeping and behaving better after a month at my place. I come home from work and cook and put dinner on the table at the same time every night (they often had to fend for themselves on what they could find in the kitchen) I make sure they get washed up and in bed at the same time every night. They're not used to all the attention and they're responding well to it. I've got the single dad thing down after 4 years... finally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> but the point of that little rant is that despite what you might expect from the situation, I think I've removed more chaos than I've created.

As far as danger from OM1 (and I take it that is the danger you're talking about) I think he's far more stupid than violent. Also he's always been afraid of me. In fact the first time I knew that there was someone else with her after suspecting from her behaviour, was walking in to the store where they both worked and making eye contact with him quite by accident, and seeing his eyes get big and watching his adam's apple jump as he swallowed and turned to run back through the door he had just come out of. Even rip roaring drunk (the only times he would threaten and eventually actually put hands on xWW) he is sweet as a [censored] cat to me, even though he talks trash when I'm not around. Add to that , I have explained with evidence to him about OM2 in another state, after nearly a year of being accused of being OM2 myself and being frustrated at xWW for letting me take the heat for some scumbag for so long.

As far as my kids being around her on a daily basis. I look at this as a 6 month investment in ending just that. At the end of this she'll either have signed papers or given me what I need to make the changes myself.

I am trying to figure out how this is YOUR problem? She did this to herself .


No, by danger I meant you becoming the OM.


Right here tells me OM feels you are a threat to his marriage.


So after you take in your wife and live 6 months of possible he11 exposing your children to who knows what you think she will just sign away? What if she doesn’t? I don’t see how one has to do with the other. If she is homeless then the kids would have to live full time with you, correct?

Your words are saying one thing but your actions are saying another. Are you sure you are not still emotionally attached to your ex-wife?

For the first part the only people uncomfortable with this situation are me and OM1. 4 years ago I would have been ready to open a vein watching her have her affair at point blank range, but now I wouldn't put it above mild exasperation. I've felt much more at ease after posting again and I'm keeping myself and the kids mostly away from her. We're going to the park when I get off of work today and the movies tomorrow.

Part of the initial irritation was that she pulled a muscle in her lower back right before she moved in with me and has been layed up on her back in bed hopped up muscle relaxers and pain pills until last week. So she was crabby and all around hard to live with aside from her fog behaviour.


Plan A is to butter her up to sign. If she doesn't sign I will have established that the kids have lived most of a year entirely in my home, their school, their friends, their church is here, and that she voluntarily left them with me to move 20 hours away. Also since she's paying half the bills, I'm putting all of that money to either going to Disney World with the kids if she signs or hiring a lawyer to submit all of the preceding to court.


Not exactly. Her only other option was her mother, who she has had almost zero contact with since D, after almost daily communication before. Little doubt xMIL would taker her in, but xWW has no desire to move in and have infidelities past and present examined by someone who's disapproval might actually make her uncomfortable. xMIL lives 25 hours drive away. The girls don't want to re-locate. I don't want to re-locate, and I would have to. I will not be separated from my children. So, no, the drama she's created for herself is none of mine. Her location and thus my children's location, is my problem.


xWW was my first everything. There will always be a soft spot, but our dynamic is almost Father/daughter or brother/sister than anything else. Nothing romantic going on in either direction.

Also I have little fear she will be back, her move will put her 20 hours from me and 5 hours from her mom. So in a year or possibly two when that all comes down around her ears surely she'll take the easier route.

I think you should get her commitment to leave the children with you if she leaves in writing before allowing her to take advantage of you cipher.

Don't most divorce/custody agreements prevent one parent from moving the children without the other parent's consent?

It simply didn't occur to me to shove papers at her while she was bruised and weeping in the hotel room before she moved in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Here the custodial parent is only required to make a "reasonable attempt" at informing the non-custodial parent of the move at least 30 days prior to the move itself and provide new address and contact information. The moving parent is responsible for transportation costs involved in visitation. Stopping her if she doesn't sign or at least leave the children is not an option.

I can tell you based on just reading the 1st post in this thread that YOU are inviting a lot of drama into your life.

I don't believe your take on visitation is accurate. Moving out of state usually is a problem. What is your state so I can look up the laws governing custody?

Did you agressively fight for custody during your divorce process?

Either way, the best thing to do is play it out...get custody and then remove her as much as possible from the kids and your life. If your kids never saw her again, their lives will be much richer.

The opportunity for legal custody of the kids and xWW more than 1000 miles away was just to good to pass up.

It is harder simply having her around than I imagined it would be though.

Just remembered what I was gonna post before the board went down.

I got this text from xWW Saturday night while she was at work. I had the munchies and I was headed out to grab something to eat and offered to bring her something by since I knew she was broke. This wasn't completely out of the blue. I had told her earlier in the day that I thought she was depressed despite how giddy she acts most of the time over OM2 and that she knew how to get ahold of me if she wanted to talk.


The bit about getting crap when she gets home and telling all the things she does wrong are in a reference to a rant I went on 3 weeks ago after receiving my phone bill which was $150 over what it should have been due to xWW and OM2. Lots of busting which I was trying to avoid while she's staying here but I've been living with only my daughters for 5 years and it's hard not to get all parental on her.

Beaten and robbed refers to the fight and subsequent beating OM1/Current Husband gave her and the fact that her bowling bag, with 2 balls and shoes about $450 worth of gear, was stolen out of her car last week, most likely by OM1 who was quite jealous and insecure about her having a hobby.

So I guess not everything is peachy in fantasy land... or perhaps fantasy land seems more appealing since this is her perceived reality.

The bit about wanting the kids to be happy cracks me up considering... oh, everything she's done in the last 6 years.