Thanks you so much, LG.

Another thing that is nuts, is I actually feel for PWC. He has no idea what he's losing; absolutely none. He is numb to it.

I know you are right about his demons, and I am giving it up. It's not my fight. We seriously do reap what we sow.

So many things you said about his relationship with his son worry me. PWC doesn't deal well with adversity. DS is going to get tougher to deal with as he grows older. Harder questions, more guidance, more trouble. HE will also grow to understand people, emotions, actions much better as he ages. In the absence of me, providing a soft place to fall, I wonder if he'll be able to have a strong relationship with his son.

I hope he can do it. I just don't have nearly as much faith as I used to. Only time will tell.

I believe PWC will find another lady and put her first (or rather, put his needs to be with someone to make him feel better, first) and his son will take a back seat. Gosh, I so hope not. There's nothing for me to do about that, and it's in the future, so I'm not going to think on that more right now .

Absolutly!

If he is only going to man-up one time in the past two years, this would be the time. None of that "Mommy and Daddy have decided" blah blah blah..He needs to own it.

Marital recovery is completely possible if it is what both sides want, but PWC didn't want it. He said that he wanted it, but he never followed up with ACTIONS.

He either never climbed out of the Fog, or maybe he just transferred from one Fog to another. He's the one who is losing, but you're right that he doesn't know it. Maybe (hopefully) he will figure it out some day.


I completely agree with this. You have put up with SO much and been SO strong--if PWC can't do this, I really will come over there with a shovel.

So, Silent, you can start making plans to create a BETTER life for you and DS. And deal with the baggage of PWC as you need to. Eyes wide open, you know.

SL, LG is right on! And as the days turn to weeks, and the weeks to months, and months to years, it will be easier and easier for YOU to deal with him. You are such a strong lady I know that even though you have a tough road ahead, YOU will be a shining example for your son, and gain more and more strength as you go!

It's been decided that PWC will talk to DS in my presence . I plan on zipping my lip and being there to hold my son if he wants me to (he may cling to his daddy, who knows). I know it will take all I have not to cry my eyes out. Just the thought of the anguish that DS will FEEL, ugh, I tear up just thinking about it.

I believe that DS will level off somewhat as the weeks go by and (if) his daddy sticks to his schedule, and keeps his word on communicating with DS. Time will tell. Through all the ups and downs, I'll be there for him.

I ASKED PWC that we BOTH keep our private lives just that, private. I asked that he not bring anybody into DS's life until he is absolutely sure he is serious about her. PWC agreed, but again, time will tell. Words are fleeting and easily forgotten, so we'll see.

PWC is looking for a local apartment, and I think he's going to go back to a schedule close to what we had before, except he will have one overnight during the week and every other weekend. I think it's best for DS that he not make commitments to more time right now. It's one thing to ask for more time, and quite another to disappoint a child when you don't show up for your visitation time. I can't control him, for sure. He was really good at sticking to the schedule last time we separated, so I have higer hopes that he will do even better this time.

As far as divorce goes, yes, this is where we are headed.

and you know what?
YOU can look in the mirror and more importantly YOUR CHILD in the eyes and say you did absolutely everything you could to make this marriage work. that is more than some can say.

i stayed the last 3 years of our marriage, through ******, but did everything i could. i wanted to be able to tell my children i did all i could. their father CANNOT say the same that is for sure.

some marriages do not make, some should not make it.

learn from this experience and make a wonderful life for you and your son. when my marriage ended i went back to school, something my ex would never support me in doing. now i am almost done my bachelors and may go on for a masters. i have a wonderful job that is a good stepping stone for me. i will have at least 1 if not 2 side businesses going by the end of the year. i am very involved in my church now (something else he never supported) and i continue to improve my life every single day.

you can do this. take the time to heal and mourn your loss, then completely make your life into exactly what you dream for it to be.

is your son in counseling? if not, get him there. it helped my children to go for about a year to adjust to all of the changes. not only daddy moving out, but daddy going to iraq and daddy moving in with ow. 3 years out, with the exception that my daughter still wishes our family were in tact of course (but understands why knowing how her father is) my children are doing quite well and do not live having to walk on eggshells anymore. we all had to walk on them when their father lived here. one never knew what kind of mood he would be in.

i am sorry it has come to this, but silent, you have done all you can do. he is not on the same page you are and you see now that a marriage cannot be saved unless both parties want it.

mlhb

Thanks for typing out your story here, mlhb. I had read it elsewhere these last few days and it does help to know that the kids are stable. MY MAIN CONCERN.

I know that I am going to be fine. I have some mourning to do, but it's not for the man before me, it's for the hopes that I had for a recovered loving marriage, it's for the man I thought he was. I have come to a place of acceptance that he has changed and I don't want this man. I don't want to be with anyone who could choose to do what he's done to his family and NOT do anything to make it better, or seek forgiveness for his trangressions. He's not the man for me.

It's a devastating blow to the psyche for any BS to endure post Dday trauma. The trauma starts the minute the bomb is dropped, and goes on for some time. The triggers then bring back some of the trauma. I believe PWC's decision to come back home was shortsighted and cruel, only thinking of his relief, from whatever was challenging him at the time. Very cruel. If and until he grows up some and fully, truly accepts what he became and the gravity of what he's done, I want nothing to do with him. It is best for me to not be further, personally, pained by his choices and actions.

If he can stick to putting his son first, and I'm having a hard time trusting his WORD, as I should, then we'll be straight.

Good morning SL. In spite of the pain at least you now have a real direction and the ability to focus solely on your son and yourself. Indeed, now that the decision has been made, I am very excited for your future. You, fine lady, are going to do great. And your son has you.

Here’s a Rainbow just for you.

Thanks Chrisner, for the RAINBOW, such a lovely version of the song, that I've always loved.

It's really intersting how the mind works. I do feel a sense of relief; and at the same time, I feel such loss. If only, if only, if only

I still feel like I've failed something, someone, somehow. That feeling is telling me something that is going to take a while to get to the root of.

Your welcome SL. I have always loved IZ's version.


I am divorced 9-months today. I have had the same questions and although it has gotten better, I still occasionally visit "if only" and "failure" land. But in the end, the choice was solely XWWs. As it is PWC's now.

Somebody let me know if these feelings go away (i.e., I know what you're talking about).

(((((SL)))))

No one is perfect, and yah, we can all do better. It's just that you need support and love and, for lack of a better word, sticktoitivness (if that's even a word).

The HUGE difference between you and PWC is that you realize the need for change, both in you and your marriage, and are willing to do the hard, hard work it takes. He is a quitter and not committed and you are better off without him. Easier said than done, as I well know.

I know this sounds dumb, but it is good that your son is young and resiliant. He will be okay.

You deserve better, SL, even with your non-perfectness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You didn't fail. You didn't cheat. We are not ever going to be perfect in this life. DO your very best and strive to improve...that's all you can do.

Hugs to you and your son.

HTH

Interesting, yet again, HTH...

PWC WAS a perfectionist, and had that expectation of others as well. He has fallen very far from perfection at this point. Disillusionment could be part of his issue.

I never thought of myself as perfect, always flawed, very realistic, analytical. Probably why I value honesty so much. I've been really honest with myself during this process, and have found good AND bad. Acceptance has been the next step in this process for me. I find it easier to forgive myself when I recognize that it's okay to not get everything right, but it's not okay to sweep it all under the rug.

I would rather KNOW what was irking PWC, have him tell me outright, even if it caused initial hurt, than to live with this solemn one. I have an even deeper respect for those in my life who've learned the ART of honesty. I hope to learn how to better deliver my message, than to JUST deliver it. TACT, I suppose.




I prescribe to the train of thought that if his mom is healthy and happy, he will gather experience from that which will help him along his way.

My friends are beside themselves at how well I'm handling all this. I honestly am very stable right now. I'm physically tired, though. I KNOW that I will have my doubts and will have my own coaster to ride, but I really have exhausted all my efforts, and feel MOSTLY confident in that. The if only's are normal. I'm sure I could have tried to continue with my magic tricks, pulling those pesky rabits out of that hat, but to what avail?

I can't control the outcome for my son, but I can sure as h3ll give him all the love and support I have to help him.



Will do, guy, will do...

PWC called regarding something with the house, this morning; I asked him about his apartment search and he said it was ongoing, he was emailing and calling and trying to set up appoinments, and what not. He then asked me if I wanted him to make himself scarce this weekend (go to his friends house in PA), so I don't have to see him. I said that he could do what he wanted, whatever. I told him that it was awkward for me to be around him anymore, that this was not what I wanted, so I can't make this decision for him. I told him it would be better for me if he were not there AT ALL.

He then got a bit angry and said that he wasn't asking for my permission, and then I replied for him 'not to do that, not to pull that card' of me making his decisions for him.

Honestly, the way he said it kinda ticked me off, like, oh, poor SL, do you want me to make myself scarce. DUH, YESSIREEBOB I DO! Duh, d,duh,duh, duhhhhhhhhhh. It's divorce, not roomies parting ways.

I would really prefer that he find a place and get with the moving, rather than go hang out with his buddy in PA, but it's his choice. What am I supposed to say to DS when he goes away for a weekend, huh?

I just really want this part to be over. I'm more of a rip-the-bandaid-off kinda person.

I made a promise to myself AGAIN, to not react, but to stay calm.

I did call and apologize for reacting as I did, and he did the same. I told him that I have been clear that this situation is not what I want, that I want him out.

I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg; miles to go and all that. BLECH!

First thing I thought of is that he is setting you up to be the one to tell DS. Gets him right off the hook again.

Are you getting a lawyer? Are you just going to co-petition and mediate?

Sorry you are about to go through this. The paperwork and division of property and all the rest of the crap is poor therapy.

Hi SL,

Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. I am touched by your COURAGE.... as many many would and do run the other way....if only NOT to experience the PAIN for the LOSS...

...and choosing the UNKNOWN can in fact be very scary in the short-term.... but I suspect for you, like for many here, not as scary as choosing to stay or maintain an UNHEALTHY situation, in the long-term....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))))))))

I haven't re-commissioned my lawyer yet. I have to gather some funds, and things are looking pretty tough this next month. I will have to take money from my retirement AGAIN, and that hurts.

We have spoken and have agreed that our previous legal agreement stands. I don't mess around when it comes to money, and I treat it like a sterile process. In MD, it's 50-50, so the house, land, etc. are half his half mine. He has already agreed to NOT take half my retirement. That's really all there is to settle.

The only thing not set in stone is HOW LONG I can remain in the home before we sell. The seller's market is craptacular right now and he also doesn't want to sell, to keep the home 'in the family'. I don't WANT to sell, but don't know how long WE can afford to keep me in the house. He will have to pay 'alimony' to cover the mortgage, as long as I'm living there.

I've already spoken to PWC about visitation, and we have agreed that 50-50 would be fine with both of us, but he needs to get settled before we settle this. For now, we are doing the one day a week, every other weekend thing. PWC is welcome to take DS more often, as long as I know ahead of time. Last time he was away, MORE time was not asked for.

I don't want to set visitation in stone right now, for DS's sake. If his dad wants to spend more time with him, I'm all for it.

I have made PWC aware that I may choose to get a lawyer sooner or later, depending on how things go, and if we can stick to our verbal agreement. If not, the lawyer already has our last agreed upon draft of the LSA, which we could redraft and re-sign.

He hasn't even moved out yet. One day at a time.

I'm with Chris--don't let him weasel out of telling DS. Do you have that scheduled? Do it sooner rather than later, I would think.

"Do you want me to make myself scarce?" "I don't think you should do anything differently until after you've told your son."

Silent:

You described several differnent visitation plans there.

Decide and DO one of them. Yes, he has to move out first. But, the judge tends to look at arrangements that the parties have made, and agreed to, even if NOT in writting, to be continued.

If PWC wants DS one night a week and every other weekend, than you deserve child support for that. Because your responsibility to DS is SO MUCH greater. PWC WILL agree to 50/50. so he doesn't have to pay CS, but then only have one day and every other weekend time.

That's my .02

LG

I hear you LG. That is why we are sticking to the one night a week and every other weekend right now. He WILL be paying CS. We've both visited the online calculator. We are in agreeance on visitation right now. I don't want to FORCE this issue. If PWC wants more time with DS, we can visit that issue and involve the lawyers for a change in the LSA at that time.

I DO NOT want to push an agreement on 50-50 custody now, to have PWC fall short and hurt our son. DS will already have so much to deal with. As it is, CS will be paid, and DS will have a set schedule with PWC. I am going to stay open to the idea of MORE time, if it's asked for. PWC will have to show that he can follow thru, or he will have to saddle up and take me to court, before I will agree to a change in CS or otherwise. I'm not saying this because I think he'll poo on his son, but I haven't seen signs from PWC that anyone is more important than himself. In all honesty, if he wanted to really protect his child and be with him, he would have worked on his marriage, in the face of his and my anger. As it is, he's only shown me that he lies and avoids to get out of the tough stuff.

I'm not AFRAID to bring out the big guns. The big guns are there, locked and loaded. I will use them tactically, and as needed.